Saturday - FBSFC 0 Frigate & Firkin 4 This was probably our worst game of the weekend as we all seemed to be asleep out there (this was in fact true for Steve Sexton who was really asleep in bed as we played this game). The game started out fairly scappy with some rough challenges but neither that nor an early goal seemed to wake us up - it wasn't until halftime that we seemed to get it together - we were down 3-0 by then. Don Clendenning started in goal during the second half and played well only giving up one goal. FBSFC had their chances to make the game close but couldn't finish. Not much to say about this game - we sucked.
Saturday - FBSFC 2 Lizzards 7 In between games FBSFC acted as true athletes and had the following: Grand Slam breakfast, 4 beers, 8 cigarettes and few cups of tea each - (for most this was no joke).. I get tired just thinking about this game. ..Mango (pictured) pulled another incredible stunt by missing the game and taking all of our soccer balls and water bottles with him when he left....
"Mango or Maranda?"
So we ended up not only playing like crap - but looking like complete idiots - all thanks to Mango. We did end up scoring two goals which was nice - but Don Clendenning ended up with a sore back from picking the ball out of our net so often. All of the boys played their hearts out (or at least wanted to) so we had some fun tormenting Dave everytime he ran for the ball - or Hal every time he lost it. We all had a great time for a great cause - and manged to win the "drunkest team" competition at the Saturday night party!Therapy the Only Answer for FBSFC Stars After Incident Can Lowe "Get His Groove" Back? FBSFC's Dave Lowe is going through an emotional rebirth after a very tough weekend of soccer. The weekend's lowlight for Lowe had to be his sending off by his own teammate during Saturday's 4-1 victory over Weston United. "It was a difficult time for me - actually it was made worse by the fact that we had a 3-0 lead at the time - and I was still sent off. I couldn't believe when it happened - I thought we had too many men - but no, I was sent off because of my play apparently. I was nearly in tears when I saw that my replacement was Sean "tin cup" Nejat.......it really can't get much worse than that". Many thoughts went through my mind; should I retire? I mean how can you have trouble keeping your place on this team for God's sake!...it was then that I sought out Matt Foley "Inspirational Speaker". After a very intense session he recommended that I rent "How Stella Got Her Groove Back" to really prove to myself that I wasn't too old and that I could still "party like it was 1989"! I mean I was pumped after that movie - I knew with my newly found confidence I could get myself back into FBSFC's first team or even pick up a young black man in the Caribbean if I felt like it! I was pumped - just pumped. All I can say is: Thank you Matt Foley and thank you Angela Bassett! - You've changed my life and turned back the clock!
Foley - "Inspirational" Lowe "Back in the Groove"
Nolet Invests In Web Site "The first step towards healing is realizing that you have a problem - and sending off a teammate in the middle of the game on Saturday made me realize that something is wrong" a somber Ron Nolet stated .
"Investing in this web site is really a chance for me to reach out to others that are suffering like me - I'm just sick of lashing out - basically I just want to be loved!. And to do that I must learn to love myself first. I think it's time for Ron Nolet to start spending some quality time with Ron Nolet.
"Quality Time"
FBSFC Celebrate 50th Match With 40th Loss Two milestones were passed last Sunday as FBSFC celebrated it's 50th competitive match in it's long history and also recorded the teams 40th defeat. "I've been looking forward to this day for a long time - and to cap it off with a loss is, well, very appropriate" team Skipper Mark Rattray announced while wiping tears from his sunken, tired eyes. "I love this club - I just hope I'm around for our 100th loss - now that will be a night to remember". Rattray immediately left the pitch to catch a flight to Scotland to relax during a self imposed mid-season break...adding that he may catch a Motherwell game if he misses FBSFC's style of play. -------------------------------------
FBSFC's Mango Richardson outside his newest "alternative" nightclub on Bourbon Street, New Orleans. His nightclub chain "Mango, Mango", has grown to eighteen locations across North America - these clubs, known for their tolerance and openness to all community groups are now the fastest growing chain in the USA. Mango and his partner Yves (of "Yves Vegetable Dogs" fame) will be opening nightclub number nineteen next week in San Francisco. We are so proud of you, Mango and Yves!!!
Board of Director's Visit New Orleans High level representatives of the FBSFC Board of Directors visited New Orleans, Lousiana last weekend. The group was invited jointly by the New Orleans Knockers Football Club and the New Orleans Chamber of Commerce to discuss closer ties between the two footballing regions and contemplate player requirement for both clubs.. "I am the first to admit that we have certain needs within FBSFC and we will sign a player if we feel we can improve our club - and I will sell if the price is right". FBSFC Chairman Sean Rice stated. Most of the talks are rumored to be surrounding FBSFC holdout Sean "Mon Ami" Nejat who has not set foot on the pitch this summer after a contract squabble with the Board - he has now demanded a transfer. The New Orleans Knockers are keen to acquire Nejat and have offered a record $50 fee for the explosive midfielder - but negotiations hit a snag when FBSFC demanded that the rights to Ian "Superman" McLaughlin be part of the deal and an extra $10 added to the overall fee. "We can't seperate these two players - they go as a package" Club Ombudsman Steve Sexton demanded "they have become very close while playing together and even were roommates on road trips, and as Team Ombudsman I feel that they need to be together to be successful and the rest of the Board is behind me on this". "This claim of not separating them becuse of their "friendship" is just crazy - FBSFC are dumping salaries and players and trying to play hard ball with us - we won't stand for it" Johann Cruyff, Chairman of the N.O. Knockers stated. In other news, a bid for FBSFC veteran Don Clendenning fell through after he failed the Knockers team medical. Don was deemed "uninsurable" and immediately placed on pure oxygen after passing out trying to get onto the examination table. While in a delerious state Don claimed Elvis broke into his hospital room and stole one of his Canadian International caps - although hospital security could find no evidence of an intruder. Mango Richardson used his time in New Orleans to launch his new line of "Mango Wear" a collection of Thongs, Flip Flops and Water Wings - Board Of Directors Scandal Rocks FBSFC Financial "Irregularities" Come to Light During Day One of Trial Under cross examination FBSFC BoD Financial Director Mango Richardson has admitted that an "off-site meeting" referred to in accounting records turned out to be an all inclusive New Orleans junket at the clubs expense. After an anonymous tip, FIFA officials, the RCMP and a Price Waterhouse forensic accounting team descended on "Mango's Mansion" in prestigious High Park last night. Mr. Richardson spent the night in a holding cell and looked haggard during his testimony (his hair looked well over the usual quarter inch in length). Mango held out against the prosecutor's onslaught for nearly four grueling minutes before he started to cry and name names - first blaming his live-in girlfriend with altering documents and then his mother for "planting the seeds of his downfall". Mango has since completed a deal with Prosecutors that will let him enter the witness protection program after the trial - rumor is he will be undercover as a Global One player. Rattray was named next.... All airports are being watched at the moment as rumors swirled that TinMan Rattray, the Director of Catering and Marketing, was set on fleeing to his native Scotland in the next few days. Rattray is wanted in connection with a truckload of stolen Mini Pizzas, fish sticks, and other deep-fried treats that he has been flogging to Pubs in the Brampton area. The Jamaican government is also looking to question Rattray after it was found that the Jamaican Patties he was selling turned out to be made in his kitchen in Georgetown and were not native to Jamaica - as advertised. A warrant has also been issued for his arrest in Britain - after Mango Richardson's claims that Rattray is really the "Claret Bandit" - the most wanted man in Motherwell. The Claret Bandit is wanted for such crimes as cutting the break lines on visiting teams buses, stealing Mars bars and painting "Stop" signs in his favorite colour: claret (a sickly colour that defies description). TinMan Rattray is believed to be in hiding - waiting to make a run for it. Mango also named Team Ombudsman "Magic" Stevvie Sexton as a "Cappo" or Captain - his specialty is taking the knees out of "opponents" and has also been figured as a member of "New Orleans" gang - a small select team that was trying to spread FBSFC's influence into the United States and take a piece of the "bead" and "hurricane" underground market in Louisiana. Sexton is expected to take the stand in his own defense soon. Team Player Representative Brian Warren - who had recently fallen out with the Board over his attempted coup of Cappo Steve Sexton (he was later seen limping and was hospitalized with a broken neck) is also a target of prosecutors who think he may sing if offered the right deal. Warren would apparently love to "start a new life". Mango also named FBSFC Chairman Sean Rice as being the mastermind behind all of the irregularities within FBSFC's murky accounting - however no direct link has been found yet - although Rice had no comment when asked how he funded his lavish lifestyle - he did point out that the "paper trail stopped at Richardson". Mango will continue his testimony tomorrow and will be joined by Team Ombudsman Stevvie Sexton................ Chairman Sean Rice, Player Representative Brian Warren and "Pint Bitch" Don Clendenning may be heard from in the next few days. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- PARENTAL GUIDANCE SUGGESTEDIn a recent statement from the board of FBSFC and Eric
Cantona.
Discussion's are under way to present a plan to the player's to make up for the debacle by
the chairman to exclude them from the pain of another loss by withdrawing them at the last
minute from the"The Cup."
Mr Cantona's agent approached Chairman Rice this week to invite them to play beach soccer.
Mr Rice was obviously impressed by Ireland's attempts at
launching this new fad last year.
If Ireland can do it so can FBSFC of Canada.
Rizzo reported:
"Last year everything was going along fine in Ireland,
that was until the tide came in."
And in a recent international tournament an Irish player stepped on a shell.
"In hindsight maybe Dunkirk should have been dropped from the tournament."
But Mr rice was optimistic that FBSFC wouldn't face the same problems!
"We have the resources, Rattray and Richardson could
pull off the catering.
Sexton is eager to make up for his shirt scandal so would pull out all the stops to
supply the sand.
Clendenning has a denture holder so grit wouldn't be a problem.
Jez could catch up on his tan."
Stay tuned for details as they break but expect big new's in the next week.
"The Skipper"
Don Clendenning Stares into Space Terri Clendening was disturbed to find her husband and FBSFC 'keeper Don staring out of the kitchen window at 4 am this morning. "I reached over and he wasn't in the bed - so I walked down stairs and there he was just standing there in his pyjamas staring out of the kitchen window" Mrs. Clendenning explained "it was freaky - then I heard him sort of mumble something about "it was in my hands, I had it" - then he just walked right past me and went back to bed". Lowe Fitted With Iron Lung FIFA has sanctioned Dave Lowe's use of a "portable" Iron Lung device that should move his lung capacity up to that of a normal 35 year old. " We figure we can run the compressor on the sideline and have Dave play left back. I'm sure he will keep within the hoses 25 foot tether. "
Lowe demonstrates at local Arby's.
Lowe has also sold sponsorship space on the Iron Lung to a local Arby's restaurant. "I first met Dave last year while he was picketing our store's anti-smoking policy. We became fast friends and just "agreed to disagree" on the smoking issue. Since then I've supported his decision to return to organized sports - and hey, I may sell some beef out of this. It's win-win". Restaurateur Mike Greeley stated.
Rattray's Skills Deteriorating FBSFC Skipper Mark Rattray has undergone a battery of tests to determine the cause of his decline on the pitch. "The rate of deterioration has just been alarming - he was the Iron Man of this team - now frankly we are finding it difficult to even give him a place on the bench. So I ordered these tests." self proclaimed team leader Ron Nolet announced. The two doctors on the specially appointed panel could not agree on a root cause to Rattray's steep decline. "Actually I'm surprised he's up and about - never mind trying to compete at a level as high as FBSFC require" Doctor Edward Morecroft of Cambridge announced. "A life of self abuse leads to this kind of thing. I give him six months." Doctor Andy McManus of Edinbourough just pointed out that Mark just "wasn't well" and it was nothing "a little scotch and water" wouldn't cure. He also prescribed one IRN BRU before every game.
FSBFC Headquarters
1515 Fuhrer Drive
Dresden, Germany
Notice to All FBSFC (Canada, Inc) Directors,
This official letter is to inform you of the suspension of Mr. Steve Sexton from the position of Ombudsman, Director, FBSFC Canada, Inc. as of Monday June 18, 2001.
FBSFC World Headquarters has upheld the Canadian Board of Directors decision. This suspension is open-ended and can only be reversed by a further vote of the Canadian Board of Directors (only active members have voting privileges).
After a finding of three votes to two Mr. Sexton is suspended. As Director and more importantly, Team Ombudsman, Mr. Sexton was expected to uphold the basic code of ethics as described by the Chairman and his fellow Directors. The main impropriety involved the reckless use of company funds in the purchase of equipment – and also a distinct lack of commitment to the position and to the players he represented. Mr. Sexton’s lifestyle has also been an embarrassment to the club. Inconsistencies in his character, his social life and his play on the pitch have brought this action to a head.
We hope that Mr. Sexton will take this as time to reflect upon his contributions to the club and to find areas of improvement with all facets of his life, both professional and private. Mr. Sexton will be given leave to address the Canadian BoD after a five-day grace period. The Board of Directors may then either: extend the suspension, end the suspension, or start actively looking for a replacement.
We are sorry to have this extend to this point – but there was no alternative.
Signed,
Percival Adolph Ayyvill - FBSFC C.E.O.
Jez Fletcher has admitted for the first time - that yes, he is Batman. "I have been hiding this for so long - but I'm just tired of giving excuses and lying to people. So from now on if anyone asks I'll tell them the truth. I just can't stomach making another appointment or having another soccer game and just as I'm about to get there I see that damn "Bat Signal" and I gotta let everyone down. It really sucks mate." Fletcher announced.
The rest of the FBSFC team announced that "being Batman is really no excuse for missing a game".
Although Ian Richardson has been trying to perpetuate the rumor - Jez denied that Ian is in fact "Robin".
Rattray Runner-Up in Mr. Scotland Competition
Skipper Mark Rattray has finished second in the 2001 Mr. Scotland Competition. It was close this year - but for the record 35th year in a row Sean Connery has taken first place. Here are the top 5:
1. Sean Connery, 2. Mark Rattray, 3. Billy Connelly, 4. Jackie Stewart, 5. corpse of William Wallace
It was a tight race - until Sean Connery took the wife-slapping competition. Corpse of William Wallace won the Head Butting competition for the 300th year in a row - but was nipped for fourth by ex-Formula One driver Jackie Stewart during the caper toss. Mark Rattray drank the most Irn Bru and Tartan - and finished second in the "Deep-Fired Mars bar" competition (to Connery).
Rattray may have had a shot at first place but refused to leave the Drambuie table (having a chat with Connelly) and missed the pissing contest.
A startling statistic has come to light - within FBSFC, Herbivores are more likely to score "own goals" than Omnivores. Ian Richardson - a herbivore, has scored six of FBSFC own goals over the last two years. The rest of the "own" goals (three) were scored by a group of Omnivores.
hmmmmmmmm........
Sexton's Spending Drives FBSFC to Bankruptcy Brink!
FBSFC full back Stevvghgie Sexton has pushed FBSFC to the brink of bankruptcy after another unauthorized spending spree.
"We've warned him before - but now he has definitely gone too far - this club is on the brink. We need a cash insurgence quickly or we will not be able to keep up with our financial obligations. " Club Chairman Sean Rice announced.
Sexton has annoyed the rest of the FBSFC Board of Directors with his spending on many occasions - but after repeated apologies (and one stay at an addiction "facility") the Board of Directors thought that Sexton's problems were behind him.
"Once he refused to pay his fines I knew he was at it again - but we let it go. Now he has purchased new uniforms and the club in on the hook. And lets face it - he hasn't endeared himself with his play on the pitch - so this is hard to swallow. Club Finemaster Ian "Mango " Richardson added.
Goalkeeper Don Clendenning has called for Sexton's removal from the Board and his retirement from competitive football: "I've just had enough..and lets face it - how long has it been since Sexton last played a "Magic Steevvie" game? I'd say over a year - I think we should just realize that Sexton will never reach his full potential..in other words he's washed up." Don also stated that at 54 he's still "just learning" the game - and will play for another decade - at least.
Sexton could not be contacted for comment - but his office denied any wrongdoing on Mr. Sexton's part.
New Brown and White Uniforms Showcased
FBSFC showcased their new brown and white uniforms during a media session yesterday. The reviews were mixed.
new uniforms - mixed reviews.
New FIFA Rules to Benefit FBSFC
After intense lobbying the so-called "FBSFC Amendments" were passed by FIFA as announced at joint FBSFC-FIFA news conference today.
'This is a very important day for the world of soccer. FIFA has shown it's flexibility by agreeing to a set of rule changes that will make the game more accessible to more people around the world. " FIFA President Sepp Blather announced.
Warren next athelete to legally use a cart? Clendenning to use Halo device?
Based on the new "Casey Martin Ruling" allowing the PGA golfer to use a cart - The rule changes allow "handicapped" players use of any equipment that may make them more competitive on the pitch. A player is considered "handicapped" if they are deemed by the presiding referee to be "well below" the normal competency of their opposition for that game.
Currently FBSFC have plans to use the new ruling extensively to try to take their first ever title. Brian Warren will be the test case as he plans to use a golf cart during next game - FBSFC believe that no referee would deny him the use of a cart under the new rules. Warren is in very poor physical condition.
"The idea is to have Brian, and maybe Dave Lowe eventually, riding golf carts - we'll leave them on the wings - then have a couple of strikers in wheel chairs riding up the middle in a pincer movement that will give us a great chance of scoring. Our defense will just need minor adjustments...Steve Sexton and Ian Richardson will be using pediatric soccer shoes (with 6" soles) to give them some height. We may fit Don with one of the metal "halos" to help him from getting whiplash watching the balls go past him."
"I'm sure all of us will qualify in some way" Chairman Rice announced.
Sexton's Double Life as "Sex69" Exposed
FBSFC standout Steve Sexton has been exposed as the infamous "Sex69" who has been terrorizing internet Chat Rooms for over 16 months. "Catching Sex69 should be a warning to all that we will not stand for this kind of behavior on the internet" Special Agent Jim Burrows of the FBI announced.
"Sex69 was known for his "slow seduction" of innocent Chat Room users - He would spend hours and hours just talking - that's what threw us off at first - we thought Sex69 was a woman. He also seemed to have no care as to the sex or age of his victims - all seemed to be targets. Once he had your name he would hound you at all hours of the day or night - this is the worst case of harassment I have ever seen. It also made creating a criminal profile very difficult." Agent Burrows explained.
But a profile did emerge over time. The FBI knew their culprit was:
-Addicted to technology (cell phones, computers)
-In a job with unusual hours that seemed to bar him from social contact (made worse by working in an airport - usually the busiest of places)
-Faith in outdated foreign institutions (monarchy)
-Member of a frustratingly bad sports team
-vertically challenged
-horrible taste in music
-owner of an ugly pet
-and the real sign of insanity: lives with parents at 32.
The FBI's take down of Sex69 was made at a rendezvous that was to take place with one of his victims. "It took us forever to get him to actually meet with us face to face - he seemed to be afraid to meet - but once he agreed I knew we had him. Fromm what I hear from his soccer teammates - he had trouble "finishing" on and off the pitch"
Brian Warren Knee-Capped - Yet Still Able To Play
FBSFC defender Brian Warren was knee-capped at a shopping mall on Sunday in what police describe as a random attack. "I think he was just in the wrong place at the wrong time - I'm sure he will be fine. We'll catch the bastards" officer Eugene McPherson explained.
Warren - knees "extra"
Team "doctor" Hal Huff announced that Warren will make the starting line up for Saturday's game "we've decided to just fuse the knees - he never seems to bend them anyway - so I don't see why he can't play. Actually, it was probably the best place he could have been hit."
Warren's only comments were "kill Hal" as he was being rolled into the O.R.
FBSFC 2nd Annual Awards Gala Piss-Up A Success
This years Piss-Up was just exceptional. The Pint Fund was at an all time high with an incredible $520.00 (before tips) being spent on pitchers of beer.
The evening started with cocktails at 6pm and dinner at 7pm. Donnelly's went out of it's way to lay out a wide selection of deep fried foods carefully prepared by the dwarf "Pat" (not sure of it's sex). Mango Richardson has a little trouble sticking with his "veggie" lifestyle (seen picking deep fried bacon out of his salad and pepperonis off the frozen McCain mini pizzas). Director of Catering Mark Rattray kept mumbling "jus' like 'ome" between every mouthful - one thing about Scottish cuisine is that it makes you thirsty...
Awards kicked off at 8:00 PM and it really was fantastic - here are a few highlights:
Sean Rice: Awarded with a spare fuse - as he keeps blowing them on the pitch
Mark Rattray: Awarded a tiny "trouble" light - used to locate all of this injuries (in all the nooks and crannies)
"Mango" Richardson: Awarded a Scottish Thong - used for his special "performances"
Andrew Corry - Awarded a framed picture of himself (blank with caption "image not available) - ironically he did not show up to claim his award.
Don Clendenning - Awarded a "denture holder" for use on the pitch (clips to his belt).
Dave Lowe - Awarded a FIFA Ashtray (ashtray hangs around his neck during play)
Barney Hill - Awarded a siphon pump (to steal gas to make to games from Guelph).
Kevin Bracken - Awarded a "Texas Fly Swatter" - used to keep teammates in line during a game.
There was many more.....
After the Awards - the serious drinking began with pitcher after pitcher flowing to the table..Mark's accent started sliding into "Scots Gaelic" or as we know it - "Drunken English"..
At 1:30 am the remaining members of the team (6 left at this point) got up for a rousing version of "You'll Never Walk Alone" - with ManU supporter Ian Richardson leadingg the choir. Then the cops came in to break up a fight at the other end of the bar - so we stumbled home - a wonderful evening.
Nejat's Father/Agent Plays Hardball Over New Contract
FBSFC Superstar Sean Nejat's father and agent is pushing hard for a lucrative extension to his son's contract. "Look, we have a struggling organization here that really has only one star player. My son puts butts in the seats and puts the ball in the net so we have every reason to believe that FBSFC's Board of Directors will buckle to our demands." Mr. Newman Nejat stated.
Newman Nejat -"hardball"
"Look, I don't know what this flake is telling you but Nejat will have to sit out the entire summer if he does not sign the original extension offered by FBSFC's Board - we won't be bullied - I don't care if Sean's agent is his Father."announced Club Financier Ian Richardson.
Newman Nejat also stated that if an appropriate contract is not signed he will hold out for a trade - and to make things more difficult for FBSFC, demand to be traded ONLY to Global One. "Global One has always been a team I'd like to play for - with their Iranian roots and great play, I think I would fit in perfectly" Sean Nejat added.
"Look - I have no problem trading Nejat if the contract does not get done - but I won't be told who I have to do business with. I had a quick discussion with Global One and they are only offering that big goofy defender that argued with DeSantis - I want more for Nejat. He may only have one career goal for us - but the way he defends his teammates on thhe pitch - it's priceless. It's hard to find a player with a soft touch on the ball and a mean streak when it comes to nailing the opposition. His cries from the bench really motivate and inspire the team - who can forget the famous "Gooooo Johhhnnnnnyyyy Goooooo" rallying cry from just a couple of games ago. He's Magic. " Chairman Sean Rice explained.
Negotiations are continuing...........