April 14, 2001
FBSFC 1 DIABLOS 5
It became very apparent to Soccer City's overflowing crowd early on that FBSFC's players lacked the most basic of motor skills and suffered from constant brain cramps - a deadly combination that could have led to serious injury and very, very bad soccer. Here are just a couple highlights to illustrate the point: -Don Clendenning's first touch of the ball went something like this: ball goes into corner..Don decides to go get it (brain cramp)..Don falls down (lack of motor skills)..Don kicks ball to opposing player...Don falls down..Don stops shot...Don falls down..Don falls down...Don makes it back to net -a job well done. -Barney Hill also showed his lack of basic motor skills as it took him nearly thirty seconds to open the gate during a change "on the fly" - all you could hear was: click, click,click,click,click as Barney tried in vain to figure out the locking mechanism on the gate (brain cramp). -At one point Diablos were given a free kick in our end...the Diablos player placed the ball and backed up to take the free kick - out of nowhere Sean Nejat runs up and kicks the ball all the way down the length of the field. Why? We may never know....This was just a small sampling of the antics of this team...it was just the worst. A little bit of soccer was played between this FBSFC's slapstick improv: Diablos dominated early and scored often..FBSFC got things together a little after being down 3-0 - but just couldn't put the ball in the net (see: Sean Rice missing the ball completely with the whole side of the net empty). Jimmy scored a nice goal but it just wasn't even close to enough. Only four players played well at all - Stefvvvghiiie Sexton got his "magic" back, Hall Huff had a good game (in a rare appearance) and Mark Rattray and Dave Lowe were solid in the back. With three games to go FBSFC need to win two of them against teams that killed us already this year..it looks like an early exit - but hey, that also means the pint fund will be emptied sooner!!April 1, 2001
FBSFC 3 Barbarians 4
In a special report filed by an anonymous source in the West Bank, several FBSFC players were seen hurling tiny stones at each other prior to the match in an attempt to create some animosity towards each other as they "put their game faces on". This was allegedly a request from the Club Director of Sponsorship and Catering Mark Rattray in an attempt to secure a sponsorship deal for next season from the "Jewish and Palestine Friendship organization of Brampton". In a move that should financially secure FBSFC for another season, Chairman Sean Rice stated after Sunday’s loss, that he had secured a lucrative endorsement deal with Fox Television for his players to star in the next "Boot Camp", airing in the fall at SoccerCity. Unbeknownst to the majority of the players in attendance on Sunday, the Club’s future Drill Instructor donned a referee’s jersey to "test the waters of obedience". D.I Ref berated the gang of dis-orderlies for close to 45 minutes before relenting and finally letting the cat out of the bag. "I am these boy’s Momma’s come the fall, and if their game play is evident of their physical ineptitude I’ll have their pansy ass’s for lunch!!!!!!". Steve Sexton was seen quietly smiling to himself, even commenting to a reporter that he was happy that his "ass was finally gonna be had". In related Steve Sexton news, the Club’s Ombudsman was stripped of his "Magic" moniker as it was handed to former Club Coach and general all around useless defender Ian B. Richardson. Henceforth, Steve Sextons new nick name will be "the guy that is still reading fashion magazines, and also lost his magic to Ian". Chairman Rice was impressed with the defender Richardson’s ability to actually get to the ball quickly without having others dance around him for a change. Defender Justin McCarthy also became the first defender to notch a goal for FBSFC this season after a rolling ball accidentally made contact with Justin’s foot as he was attempting to abscond from his responsibilities on the pitch. McCarthy refused to comment after the goal as he was too busy being intubated with oxygen by the Club’s medical staff. Chairman Rice recuperating from an alleged alcohol poisoning incident by an unknown assailant at his spacious mansion on Saturday night, turned in an electrifying match as he potted 2 goals. Asked to comment on his situation the night before the Chairman commented "Sambuka, Goldschalagger and Guinness are not the 3 Musketeers that I wanted to dance with last night. What I did discover however is that porcelain is as comfortable as my goose down pillow made by the impoverished love children of Temptation Island". Brian Warren is quietly campaigning for the "player we never see on the pitch" award of the season as many questions have been raised regarding his ability to count to 60. Speaking on behalf of anonymity, an FBSFC "keeper" was overheard remarking that Brian was not overly impressed with the fact that he was being asked to stay on the pitch for up to two minutes at any given time, and as a result has taken drastic measures to reduce his own playing time. FBSFC striker John Desantis turned in an outstanding game between the posts as he became the glue that holds the club together as Club MVP Ron Nolet takes some personal time for himself while learning Yoga and Tai Chi at Chairman Rice’s Wellness Spa. As the club passed the half way point of the season, Finemaster Ian B. Richardson and Chairman Rice called a news conference to release the team’s financials to date. To date the Club has amassed a staggering $256.00 in fines. Leading the way once again in financial penalties is Club Finemaster Richardson with several players closing in on him. The Top 5 "fined" players are:
March 25,2001
FBSFC 1 Urban Chaos 11
It was Oscar night at Soccer City - and FBSFC stole the show! This is a performance that will not be soon forgotten. Highlights included Don Clendenning's tribute to "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon"as he flew though the air on many occasions and hurt his back (maybe from bending down to fish the ball out of the net too many times). Hal Huff acting out his "Gladiator" fantasy on the pitch as he took out player after player....and don't forget Brian Warren's run that took on the big boys in a stirring tribute to "Erin Brockovich". The only failure was the forwards attempt to create any "Traffic" in front of the opposing teams net. Seeing that it was Oscar night FBSFC decides to do a little acting of their own as they came up with a unique "big plan" - a path to victory that was pure genius."Our idea was to let them jump out to a seemingly insurmountable lead...let them lull themselves into a false sense of security and then come storming back in dramatic fashion to win the game in the last minute." explained Chairman Sean Rice.
"We started out beautifully - we let them tic-tac-toe around us and score in the first minute...it was hilarious how Urban Chaos fell for it. Don Clendenning showed his acting skill by flopping around on shot after shot - even faking injury at one point." "I started to think that we were over acting and that they would figure out our "big plan"...I mean it was really hard to hold back - and as they got up 6-0 at half time I had to really choke back the laughter - we had them right where we wanted them. Brian Warren got greedy at one point and made a great run and nearly scored - he nearly blew our cover as he showed a little of the energy we had been saving." "Then we made our fatal mistake ....talking on the bench we decided to start making our run at them with five minutes to go - but we just could pull ourselves out of our roles as "crap players" and our comeback never materialized." The Chairman explained. "I get so deep into a role that I just live it - I can't just snap my fingers and come out of it..." explained Steyvvie Sexton "It was some of the best "method acting" I have ever seen - They are artists in the true sense of the word. The fact that they did not come back to win is a small point in the big picture. The performance was spellbinding - thespians beware of this troupe - they are awe inspiring!" claimed critic Leonard Maltin. My issue is that we have used this plan so often that we may end up being "type cast" as crap footballers....so perhaps we should try something different.....maybe darts.
March 18, 2001
FBSFC 1 Sprockets 9
FBSFC Chairman Sean Rice has now placed "Leprechauns and St. Patrick" into his "Big book of things/people that have done me wrong". Several players apparently suffered from delusions of "green beer" and "a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow" on the pitch, as the Sprockets handed the club its worse loss of the season. The club obviously suffering from massive hangovers, had their game play driven to a new level of "crappiness", quite the change in pace from their normal level of "crap play". Upon consulting several dictionaries no word could be found to describe the lack of ability displayed on Sunday by the few players that managed to climb out of bed for the early morning match. As a result, Club "Alpha Captain" Mark Rattray sat down with pen and paper (and pint) after the match and wrote to Webster’s Dictionary petitioning for a new entry. While not confirmed, it is believed that the following description is a word for word account of Mark’s letter.Deer People at Websters Dictionarry:
I am riting to let you know that your dictionary should contain a new word. It is based on my experience with Fat Boy Slim FC of Mississauga, Ontario. They are crap. As a result, your new idition should contain a word based on their inability to play football (or do anything else).
FBSFCrapness – (verb – Krapp-nez) – The action of giving less effort than is humanly possible. An amount below "no effort whatsoever". The act that defies "no ability and any fitness". The epitome of the worst that could possibly be. Shite.
"That team is FBSFCrapness".
"That bloke I slept with last night, the guy from Air Canada that reads British Men’s magazines was FBSFCrap in bed".
An official response from Webster’s was not available at press time. The bad news continued to grow for the club that has only mustered 1 win this season, while putting together 3 straight losses. Keeper Ron Nolet, cured by team physician Hal Huff’s magic rock prior to the match, lasted only 10 minutes before blowing out his knee again after running into several of his own defenders that were seen milling around in the box discussing the significance of St Patrick. Ron was replaced by Club Chairman Sean "I’m not changing shirts with him" Rice and did an outstanding job in goal even managing to stop a penalty shot. It is apparent that Mark Rattray has now taken over the role of "most inept defender", a role coveted by Ian Richardson, after handing the ball in the box on more than one occasion. Rumors continued to swirl around the club that Ron Nolet’s injury was a "Brian Warren type of injury" after Ron was seen laughing and joking on the bench with several players after the incident.It was reported that Nolet’s stunt was more or less a way of auditioning for SURVIVOR 3 after Ron remained shirtless for the entire match and was seen rubbing sticks of wood together and smudging charcoal on his chest. Ron’s angle will be the "Big guy that doesn’t like to fish and is always yelling at the other contestants to "come back" and "pick up the extra man"". FBSFC ace striker John Desantis will return next week after a one game suspension. His scoring prowess was missed on the pitch, however several players wives were amazed at his ability to "Coo and cuddle" with some of the toddlers of the players. Reports of John opening a FBSFC day care are unconfirmed.
Surgeon-General health warning:
This is a warning for all FSBFC babies and their mothers. Do not come to any matches. Ever. That is, until the team no longer sucks. It is too risky for the wee ones – especially with their sensitive tummies. I can say for certain that it was the absolute lackluster performance that contributed to poor Margaret Rice’s upset tummy. Every time the Sprockets scored, she was so upset that she spit up all her milk. Again and again and again. With every goal came projectile milk. The Chairman’s wife Darlene was so concerned that the team’s apathy for the their game was hurting her baby, she was forced to relocate to Wingers so that Margaret could no longer witness the carnage on the field. Plexiglass and netting can keep the ball out of the fan’s stands, but the only thing that can protect young fans’ general health is to just look away. Or even better yet – don’t come to the game.March 5, 2001
FBSFC 2 Global One 3
Chairman Sean Rice has scheduled all FBSFC players present for Sunday’s 3-2 loss to Global One, a two day comprehensive training program with some of St John’s Ambulance finest Emergency Response Technicians.
The topic – how to prevent CHOKING.
All aspects will be covered, from how to prevent CHOKING, how to spot CHOKING victims, and most importantly how not to become a CHOKING victim yourself.
Unfortunately this lesson comes a bit too late as the members of FBSFC CHOKED on a two goal lead last night, handing Global One a surprise victory. Chairman Rice was furious as his charges collapsed in the second half giving away a late penalty kick after star midfielder Mike K. broke down in his own penalty box and cuddled the ball repeating the phrase "YOU MUST LOVE ME LIKE NO OTHER" over and over. This untimely event coupled with a short bench handed the unlikely victory to a team that "didn’t deserve to be on the same pitch as FBSFC" according to bench coach Ron Nolet.
In other news Zaim "I score goals" Jasaraj solidified his place in FBSFC lore by scoring a brilliant goal in the first half and adding an assist to Chairman Rice’s goal. Zaim held a brief news conference after the match confirming that he had indeed contacted a representative from Guinness’s World Book of records to state that he was indeed still on track to score a goal a game for the club. Chairman Rice replied "Mmmmmmm Guinness" and was seen leaving Soccer City to prepare for St. Patrick’s Day celebrations. Reports of FBSFC players having to pass an "Irish history test" to be eligible for the game on March 18 are unconfirmed at press time.
In a story of resurrection, John "the animal" Desantis made an appearance screaming "COME ON REF!" several times throughout the game, even when the ref had left Soccer City and was seen driving away. John was incensed that the ref, on several occasions turned a blind eye to numerous infractions involving Global One players. It was reported that one of the players even taunted John with the infamous terrace chant "We’re all out of chicken wings and pies you fat bastard". Reports of SONY Canada offering John a sponsorship deal are unconfirmed. Speaking on condition of anonymity a spokesperson for SONY however did confirm that a deal was in the works revolving around the phrase "Desantis – One Volume LOUD!".
Andrew "This is my shoulder let me kiss your face with it" Corrie was having an "A game" last night causing havoc intermittently throughout the match by bowling into numerous players and spilling their assess to the turf. Andrew’s contract is up for renewal this season and is apparently playing for a extension to become FBSFC’s quietest player on the pitch.
It has been heavily reported that Team Physician Hal Huff has been abducted by aliens and that rigorous experiments have been conducted on Hal’s back, so severe that the good doctor is out for at least another 3 weeks. Many players have donated a small portion of their beer money to a campaign aimed at "buying Dr Huff a back brace" so that he can at least join his players on the bench in a vertical position. The Western medical world is dumb founded by Dr Huff’s ailment only saying that "this is from a man who believes cinnamon is not only a great spice to cook with, but a great way to treat turf toe".
Brian Warren has let his team down for the last 3 weeks, and his excuses continue to wear thin on fellow Board of Director members. It is now reported that Brian is on probation and will be forced to play one complete half without a break once he returns.
The "magic" returned to Steve "I wear silly clothes to work" Sexton as Steve ran the midfield like a general returning from the whore tent. Steve even managed to take a ball in the face off a shot and was tenacious in his approach to tackling other opponents. Steve’s hair was also in fine shape after withstanding many attempted "mess ups" by Global One players. Mr. Sexton recommends a good conditioner nightly, and a half litre of gel applied generously.
FBSFC has a week off as they prepare for another loss on March 18 to Stackpole Sprockets, a team whose fine standing in the table doesn’t do justice to their stupid name.
February 25, 2001
FBSFC 4 Diablos 7
Not even the good lord above could prevent his "angels" from getting an old fashioned spanking from Satan himself, as Diablos FC handed FBSFC its first loss of the session on Sunday 7-4, despite an attempted intervention from the "man who rests on Sunday even when his favourite Football club plays"..
Unfortunately even the return of Bernard "put the ball on my feet" Camara, and Jez "Jez’s ball" Fletcher could not see FBSFC pull one out of the ashes as they fell behind, and like a class "A" porn star, they remained on all four’s, as Diablos gave it to them good (and often).
The return of several top flight players did little for the lad’s confidence, as they continued to play catch up through out the entire game, in thanks due to another own goal by the "maestro" of defense Ian B. Richardson.
Speaking through an interpreter, Mr. Richardson commented that "the own goal phenomenon remains an anomaly that my people cherish and worship". He continued by saying "I cannot be in the right place at the right time, all the time – as a result many times (roughly translated as "all the time") I am in the wrong place at the wrong time". Chairman Sean Rice expanded on the comments of his favourite whipping boy defender by saying "I’m surprised it took him two games to get on the score sheet". An apparent investigation goes on behind closed doors as the Directors of the Club ruminate whether or not "charges of ineptitude" should be brought against the defender. The investigation continues..
On a positive note defender Barney "I don’t run like Benny" Hill continued to baffle the medical staff as a man of his "girth" could sprint from one end of the arena to the other without the aid of "ethyl alcohol" similar to the mixture found in "monster trucks" like "Bone Yard", the current reigning diesel Monster Truck champion. Unfortunately team Physician Hal Huff could not be reached for comment as his "magic rock" conference continued into its second week. However, team nurse Dave Lowe commented that "for a man to take more than three consecutive steps with the ball at his feet remains a mystery to me – and look how healthy I am". Reports of Mr. Lowe having his Irish citizenship withdrawn due to "unfortunate circumstances – mainly involving his inability to get past a bunch of hockey playing Canadians" remains to be seen.
In another unfortunate incident, the Board of Directors also voted to withdraw the "Magic" from Steve Sexton’s moniker, due to his lack of magic play on the pitch. Mr. Sexton remarked that his current game play was similar to his "love making" – "grossly inadequate, and too quick" as he was an unfortunate blemish on the squad.
On a more positive note, Mike "I’m the CROW in CROATIAN" confinued to amaze many, as his "horizontal" runs have now become more "vertical". The versatile mid fielder recorded a two goal performance amazing many with his ability to "move forward with the ball rather than just across the pitch". Player Rep Don Clendenning remarked "he gives all good players a good name. It’s good to see him do good on the pitch. He’s a good player with a good attitude. After all it’s a good thing". In related news Don also scored off the pitch as Soccer City’s Supreme Beer Wench stepped all over his toes. "That’s the most action I’ve seen all weekend" Don remarked, as he slipped his dentures back into his mouth and cracked a smile.
In related news to the Clendenning Clan, Jimmy "99 timbits on the shelf" McKnight was seen drinking the supreme "girl’s drink" Mike’s Hard Lemonade after the match. This was not to be blamed for Jimmy’s lack of production on the pitch however as it was alleged that he was seen "leafing through an IKEA catalogue and discussing the virtues of hanging blinds over vertical blinds" after the match. Reports of Jimmy scampering off to watch re-runs of "Sex and the City" remain unfounded at press time.
Sean Rice remains in the scoring lead with 3 goals. Ian Richardson leads all defenders with one goal (against his own team – AGAIN).
February 18, 2001
FBSFC 6 Barbarians 4
Not even Conan could help the Barbarians against the comeback kids of FBSFC on Sunday afternoon, as last season’s division finalists cruised to an impressive victory over the Barbaric hoard’s, by coming back from a two goal deficit in the second half to score 4 unanswered goals.
FBSFC’s scouts racked up the airmiles during the off season signing several key players on free transfers from all over Europe. While admitting it was tough to leave Barcelona FC, Zaim Jasaraj admitted that the chance of "winning copious amounts of silverware with FBSFC" was far more appealing than playing in the sunshine of Spain. "I have come to FBSFC for one reason, to be a big fish in a little pond". When asked to expand on his cryptic comments, Mr. Jasaraj stormed out of the press conference in search of a good hand sanitizer.
Chairman Sean Rice quickly added " Zaim is looking to cleanse himself of that garbage goal he scored today, thus he is looking to wash his hands with a good soap. Other than that I have no idea what he’s talking about, but he adds to the eclectic mix of talent at the club. And he’s tall".
Newcomer Dave Lowe quickly realized that without blood flowing to his legs and his brain at the same time, he was of no use to anyone. However he did bring a wealth of experience to the club which was unfortunately never realized as his "Brian Warren-esque" like attitude of refusing to take in any more exercise past the 5 minute barrier quickly led to his timely benching.
In a related note, Brian "phantom injury" Warren was seen roaming the hallways of SoccerCity with an official medical report from team physician Dr. Hal Huff, exonerating him of allegedly embellishing a "turf toe" injury. Dr. Huff could not be reached for comment as he was attending a "magic stone seminar" in another city. Reports that the city was "Never Never Land" were unconfirmed at press time.
Also absent from today’s kick off was Andrew "too drunk" Corrie, as apparently a severe case of the "sniffles" came over the Corrie household at 1:55 p.m. this afternoon.
On the scoring front John "vertigo" Desantis, Jimmy "timbits are good for you" McKnight, and Zaim "cleanliness is next to godliness" Jasaraj scored half of FBSFC’s goal tally while Chairman Sean Rice scored his first hat trick for the club, scoring an impressive goal on a back kick with his back to the opposition’s net.
Setting up several goals and earning the moniker "Magic" once again was FBSFC playboy Steve Sexton. Chairman Rice commented that "even though Steve drank half as much as me on Friday, and was twice as drunk, I’m glad he learned what "teamwork" meant even after Ian and I schooled his ass in several games of pool".
Making a debut of sorts was keeper Don Clendenning, as the burly elder statesman once again donned the gloves after MVP keeper Ron Nolet decided to move behind the bench to yell at the players. (he fell down and hurt his dodgy knee). Don turned in an outstanding match on Sunday doing his best impression of a "drunken octopus" as he juggled every shot hit at him, while managing to take a few off the face.
Defender Mark Rattray played a remarkable game in the central defense at times showing his age and lack of speed as apparently running from one end of the pitch to the other was too much for him to take – this action was in direct competition with Brian Warren for the "quickest shift" award.
On a final note, FBSFC captain Justin McCarthy was called "safe" on the last play of the game while sliding headfirst into the Barbarians goal. Justin was quickly signed by the NY Yankees and has given up playing "indoor soccer" at this point in his life.