The elderly clerk, hard of hearing, says, "Come again?" "No", says Monica, "Mustard".


A man goes to Fredricks of Hollywood.
He wants to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find.
The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit. "This is $200," she says. "I want one that's more sheer," he says. "This one is $350." "I want it even more sheer than that." "This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500." "I'll take it!"
The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her. He tells her, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me." His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not." So his wife comes down wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose. "So, how do you like it?" she asks. "Damn, you'd think for $500 they'd have ironed the thing!

Brilliant lawyers!
You too could be a lawyer!

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal,
the following are 22 questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys
during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightfulwitnesses:

1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"

5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

6. "Did he kill you?"

7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"

10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes".
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes".
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None".
Q: "Were there any girls?"

12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes".
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, Sir".
Q: "And you took your new wife?"

14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death".
Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"

15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard".
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"

16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work".

17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people".

18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral".

19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 pm".
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing anautopsy".

20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel".

21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood".

And the best for last:

22. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No".
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No".
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar".