Dear Fellow Supporters,

What can I say? Todays cover says it all. The ‘Boys in Blue' have been relegated and will be playing their football in the second division next season. Much has been written as to the reasons for the demise and it would be painful to go over it all again. Suffice to say, Neil Warnock has signed a new 12 month contract and has promised an immediate return to the first division. Time will tell. The only positive thing to come out of this season is that Oldham will not have to play Tranmere Rovers until the third round of the league cup next year. Start saving Roger!

Congratulations are in order yet again as the second wedding of the year comes about for a Latics supporter. We wish Mrs. Nola Desaulniers a long and happy marriage and now that she has finally tied the knot we might see more of her at the meetings as she now has an excuse to get drunk. They must be putting some ‘special’ herbs on the pizza as three of our members have got married in out centenary year (two to each other).

If you haven't visited the web site recently take a look as we now have a scrolling marquee to give out news flashes etc. Pretty Posh if I say so myself.

The Chairman

Much has been written in the past about Scottish goalkeepers and I must agree they are quite famous because of the fact that they are rubbish. The following was recently reported by our Scottish ex-goalkeeper, Ben Doon who was on assignment.

Before taking the pitch Scottish goalkeepers are given a map of the eighteen yard box and a compass.
Scottish goalkeepers share the same pre-match ritual - they pray.
The majority of Scottish goalkeepers are on incapability benefit, and have been since they were in the youth team.
Scottish goalkeepers often shout at the defence in front of them. The most commonly heard instruction is "Help!"
Most Scottish goalkeepers have a Sanatogen Wine at half time.
Only a handful of Scottish goalkeepers use a walking stick. The rest prefer the modem zimmer frame.
While outfield players often take a urine test, Scottish goalkeepers are carbon dated.
When asked what does it take to become a Scottish goalkeeper the usual reply is 'arthriticjoints.'

So there you have it, conclusive proof that reporters north of the border can poke fun at our own shortfalls. At present, however, Andy Goram (who learned his trade at Oldham Athletic) seems to be doing a good job, and long may it continue. Alan 'Dropsy' Rough was last seen getting the sack at McDonalds in Princess St., Edinburgh, allegedly for dropping too many burgers on the floor.

A couple of years ago there was a story in the local paper about a Cambridgeshire league match that was played one winter in typically murky fenland conditions. After about 10 minutes, the fog came down so thickly that visibility was reduced to about half the length of the pitch, so the referee decided to abandon the game. It was only after the players had been enjoying the warmth of the changing rooms for about 20 minutes that a player on one of the teams noticed that their goalkeeper had not come in. When they went out to look for him they discovered him still faithfully guarding his goal, oblivious to the fact that the match had been abandoned. Apparently, he thought his team had been playing particularly well and had managed to keep the play at the other end of the pitch.....

The need for an offside law goes back to the early years of the game. A player was off his side if he was standing in front of the ball, that is, between the ball and the opponent's goal. To the Sheffield Association, this didn't matter at all! There was no offside rule, and players known as kick throughs were positioned permanently near the opponents goal. The people who drew up other rules of the game in the mid nineteenth century had been brought up with the idea of keeping all players behind the ball, disallowing the forward pass, and making progress towards the oppositions goal by means of dribbling with the ball or in a scrum. For a game of soccer to flow freely, it was essential to allow the forward pass, thus raising the need for an offside law.

The Cambridge rules of 1848 stated that it needed three of the opponents side between a forward player and the goal for him to be onside. However, the Uppingham rules of 1862 remained strictly against the forward pass if the ball is kicked by his own side past a player, he may not touch it, or advance, until one of the other side has first kicked it, or one of his own side, having followed it up, has been able, when in front of him, to kick it. The first set of Football Association rules agreed with the Uppingham idea.

As football developed in the 1860’s and 1870’s, the offside law proved the biggest argument between the clubs. Sheffield got rid of the kick throughs by amending their laws so that one member of the defending side was required between a forward player and the opponents goal; the Football Association adopted the Cambridge idea of three! Finally, Sheffield came into line with the F. A., and three players were the rule until 1925.

Eventually the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlics in their hair, Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Then came the middle ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bemard Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

A SCHOOLBOY who broke a leg playing soccer has fractured his tibia again - after just three minutes of his post-injury debut. Ben Staff, 16, midfielder for Carrow Youth, in Norwich, Norfolk, said: “As far as I'm concemed, my football career has ended now.”

the prinse _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

ther we all woz in mister smiffs class
lernin abowt the red
see but leanne wozunt listnin she woz reedin insted
a glossi mag on er nee

it woz sumfing inkredibul - i cud see her ise bulge
and er mowf droppt open ded wide
but trubbel woz brewin, becoz mister smiff
stopt wot ee woz doin ... and sighd

"leanne yore not lissening to a word i am sayin,
wot is makin yu so eksited"?
leanne stud up "sir, it sez in this mag
prinse willyum supports man yewrited"!

“ees gone to eeton, thats a reeli posh skool
for peepel wot are wel bred
and wile othuer kids tern to be lawyers and dons
ees a blummin ard stretferd end red"

"oh yeah" sed jonni barkur "i'll bluddi bet
i sumhow dont fink that ee'd risk it
cos if ee showts is mowf offlike u and chantelle
theyd all make him play soggi biskit"*
(and wen ee told all the klass ow yu play it, we at startud to feel realli sik)

"SILENSE IN KLAS!" skremed mistur smiff
"I fink that leanne maybe rite"
"na-na-na-na" showted leanne
"jonni barkur - yore so full of sh*te!”

"lets luk at the faxts" sed mistur smiff
"like, vAv manchestur ee as no konextshun
but ees got lodes of cash so ees bying a dreme
to mek up for is parunts rejekshun"

“cos is mum is toyling in a jim wiv wil carling
leeving the poor bugger alone
and eez sycolojicaly disturbd by reports
of is dad and camila parkurballs"

“so wen ee is older eel go bluddi loopi
and luse al is sense and reesun"
"shut up, shut up" I showted at im
“wot yore sayin is treasun"

"Eel bee a grate king - nobel and wise
and eel rule wiv fareness - not feer
and eel mek it a law as sune as ees king
that we kan win the dubbel eech yeer"

"and bukkingam palass will be a shrine to the reds
and all of the playurs wd be nightid
so god save king willyum and long may ee rain
and pore cash into manchestur yewnited"!
(mister smif just slumpt in is chare and stared owt the window. i fink eez not well)

Andy Cole is the first Manchester football player to have a University named after him...
UMIST!!!!!

Bolton Wanderers is apparently under investigation by the Inland Revenue for tax evasion;
they've been claiming for Silver Polish for the past 20 years.

With all the Gemans now playing at Manchester City the ticket system has been changed to make them feel at home: You now sneak into Maine Road in the middle of the night and leave a towel on a seat.

I've just been poking around on one of the soccer websites. They have a football field with a bunch of icons on it. I was a bit sloppy with my mousework and clicked on the space between 2 icons. A page came up with big letters saying "You missed. Fancy a career at Tranmere Rovers?"

“I spent a lot of my money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered" - George Best.

"If we played like that every week we wouldn't be so inconsistent" - Bryan Robson, Man U, 1990.

"That's great, tell him he's Pele and get him back on." - John Lambie, Partick Thistle manager, when told a concussed striker did not know who he was.

“I was saying the other day, how often the most vulnerable area for goalies is between their legs...” ANDY GRAY, Sky Sport

"Richard Keys: Well Roy, do you think that you'll have finish above Manchester United to win the league?
Roy Evans: You have to finish above everyone to win the league Richard.

It was wrongly stated in the last programme that the second leg of the European Champions match ended in a 1-1 draw. To redress the balance and therefore avoid any embarrassment the score should have read:

Manchester United 0
Borussia Dortmund 1

We apologise for any inconvenience caused. The aggregate score was 2-0 in favour of the German team and the English team were unfortunately knocked out.