Dear Fellow Supporters,

Three years ago Oldham were in the Premier League, now they find themselves outside the top two leagues for the first time in 23 years. I remember, with fond memories, the night in 1974 when I travelled to Plymouth Argyle (a long haul from Oldham) to watch us clinch the Third Division Championship. What was doubly satisfying was that Bristol Rovers had already had their championship winning booklet printed as they were walking away with the league and thought it impossible to be caught. Who was it who said, "Football's a funny old game?"

What went wrong? A lot of people would say that the board have not put in enough money at the right times. Other turning points are the sales of big plavers like Earl Barrett, Paul Warhurst, lan Marshall and Neil Redfearn. It's easy of course to look back in hindsight, and don’t forget the Latics were just one victory from Premiership safety back in the 93/94 season. I was also lucky enough to have witnesses the most successful Oldham team ever under Joe Royle and his departure was a blow but when Graeme Sharp left in February he said the Latics board did not match his ambitions. Let's all hope that Neil Warnock is capable of getting the side back to it's former glory.

With North West football booming at the moment, we'll look at the success of the sides in that area this season.

Manchester United-Premiership Champions
Bolton-First Division Champs
Bury-Second Division Champs
Stockport & Crewe-promoted to First Division
Wigan-Third Division Champs
Carlisle-Promoted from Division Three
Macclesfield-Conference Champs.

Unfortunately the only North West side to be relegated was Oldham. I rest my case!

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were exploring deepest, darkest Africa when they came across a huge river. They were just wondering how they would get across when a leprechaun appeared on the riverbank (It's a long way to Tipperary. He'd got lost). "If you can get across this river without being eaten by the crocodiles" he said, I'll give you my pot of gold..."
"No problem" says the Englishman.

He gets half way across before being swallowed by an enormous crocodile. The Scotsman goes next but almost as soon as he touches the water, a croc. gets him. Finally it's the Irishman's turn. Before diving in, he gets out a permanent marker and writes "Man Utd. for the league and cup double 1996-97!" on his shirt. He then dives in and swims all the way across, no problem.

"That’s amazing" says the leprechaun, "How on earth did writing "Man Utd. for the league and cup double 1996-97!" stop the crocodiles from eating you?"
"Well”, says the Irishman, "Man Utd for the league and cup double 1996-97? Not even a crocodile can swallow that..."

An antique collector walks into a store in a place called Hamelyn. He sees a small brass rat on the shelf. After looking for any other bargains in the store, he decides he wants to buy the rat. He asks the storekeeper "How much for the brass rat?" The storekeeper says "Ten pounds for the rat. One hundred and twenty pounds for the story." The guy says "What's the story?" The storekeeper says "I won't tell you unless you give me a hundred and twenty pounds." The collector says "Skip the story", pays for the rat, and walks out of the store. He puts the rat in his backpack and starts riding his bike across the nearest bridge.

A short time later, the guy looks behind him and sees a rat following him. This strikes him as odd but not unheard of, so he pedals on. A moment later he hears cars honking behind him and turns around to see a pack of about a dozen rats following him. He turns and pedals faster. Finally, as he nears the other side of the bridge he looks behind him and sees hundreds of rats chasing him. He concludes that the rats must be chasing the brass rat and decides this is too much. He stops his bike, pulls the rat from his pack and throws it off the bridge into the river. He watches as the huge pack of rats jump off the bridge and drown. Relieved but curious, the guy pedals back to the antique store. The storekeeper sees him come in, shakes his head, and says "You should have bought the story. You can still have it for one hundred and twenty pounds." The guy shakes his head and says "Forget the story. How much for the brass Manchester United supporter?"

ORMONDROYD TAKES PAY-CUT

One player happy to sign a new contract was lan Ormonroyd, although it is reported that he had to take a pay cut to get it. The 6 foot 5 inch striker has signed a new one year deal. He moved to Boundary Park from Bradford, on a free transfer last season, finishing the campaign as the Latic's top scorer with eight goals. He has agreed to take less money, and part of his salary will now be based on the number of appearances. The frontman was plagued by injuries last season, and made just 27 starts with another 4 on the subs bench. He will be keeping his fingers crossed that he can stay injury free next season.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies, and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

Bill Shankly : "The trouble with referees is that they know the rules, but they do not know the game".

Bill Shankly (to a reporter in the 60's) "Yes, Roger Hunt misses a few, but he gets in the right place to miss them".

Bill Shankly (after signing Ron Yeats) "With him in defence, we could play Arthur Askey in goal".

Bill Shankly (talking to a Liverpool trainee) : "The problem with you, son, is that all your brains are in your head".

Brian Clough (on his young Forest side) : "Acne is a bigger problem than injuries".

Dave Bassett (after another Wimbledon defeat) : “I’m not too happy with our attack. Some of them couldn't hit a cows backside with a banjo".

Howard Wilkinson (after a one-all draw): "If they hadn't scored, we would've won".

Also on the theme of opposition........ it has been brought to our notice that there is a splinter group which meets every Friday. They are known as the 'Sharks Hockey Supporters Club'. Enclosed is one of their recent seniority lists. You may notice one or two similarities to our own list. The recorded attendance for that particular week was err..... one.

Attendances must be confirmed by a ‘Top Dog’ and.... the purchase of a beverage before 18:00. Draw at 16:30. Must be present to win. You are here or you are not - Semper Fidatis

TOP DOGS
1 B. SMITH. OWNER
2 K. DEBOICE, GM
3 L. MCCANN. COACH
4 K. GOODWIN, CAPTAIN
5 E. LIBERA, Assist. C.
6 M. STICKLEY (STICKHANDLE)

FIRST LINE
7 A. WILLOUGHBY (WRISTSHOT)
8 G. SHARP (WEST WHALLEY)
9 A. PALSENBERG (POWERPLAY)
10 S. ERICKSON (GREAT ONE)
11 L. ELCHUK (THE ENFORCER)
12 D. HOLMES (HOLMIE)

FARM TEAM
13 B. ELLIOT (ARDIEL)
14 D ELLIOT (ERMA STEPHENSON)
15 R. HEIDE (HIGH STICKING)
16 M. JONES (ARTSY)
17 M. LONCARIC (DOC-ON-CALL)
18 A. AUCOIN (NEWFIE)

JUNIORS
19 J. CROSSON (EX-VIRGIN)
20 R. SOON (SLASHER)
21 C. LONCARIC (FLASH IN THE PAN)
22 G. WORSLEY (RINK RAT)
23 T. MATERI (MAD DOG)
24 P. FEDAK (VIRGIN)

Dear Dan,

I am a Latics member with long standing and wish to remain anonymous. I have been number one in seniority for the last 10 years and am disgusted that I was given a yellow card last week for failure to write an editorial in an almost non-existent programme. I know it was a record week with no less than nine cards being shown but I feel my staying power over the last few seasons (including two relegation seasons) should have given me some exemption. Please try to help as I am afraid my respect will be severely diminished with this wanton act.
Anon.

Dear Anon,

When the red, red, robin comes bob, bob bobbing along.........

Dan.

Dear Dan,

I have this dilema, and I need your advice!!!!! This gentlemen, who attends our library club on Friday’s stated that he would marry me. He said we could both have a stag on the Tuesday before we were to be married. Our wedding day was.to be two weeks ago Friday. Well, I had my stag, and was looking so forward to the BlG day. The day came and went, and he made no reference to us getting together. I've been jilted, I am heart broken and I'm not sure how to get even with him.

Dear Jilted,

Don't get even,....... get mad! He obviously doesn't deserve your affections. He is probably a Manchester United spy sent by MI6 to infiltrate our club and find out all our secrets. They used to do this during the war you know. I'll have a word with our underground, the Block resistance, as they have been very quiet recently and might already be on to him. In the meantime ... try to catch him out by coyly mentioning Cantona and watch his reaction. Also toy with his advances so as not to make him suspicious ancl when he's not looking smack him over the head with something hard like a sausage roll. That usually does the trick. Keep me informed.

Dan