Pillsbury, Montana - The Pillsbury Doughboy is finally hanging up his apron. In a courtroom, that is. On October 12, the little white doughboy, made famous by his giggling upon being poked in the belly, filed harassment charges against the giant finger that has tormented him his entire life.
"I'm just a guy like any other guy. Like Bill Clinton or Jimmy Stewart or even Hulk Hogan. I'm just a guy. And I don't want the giant finger to poke me anymore," said the adorable white blob in a press conference earlier this afternoon. "I've got a family to support and, of course, my wife, Strawberry Shortcake and I have decided this is the only way I can rid myself of this vexatious large finger without giving up the entertainment industry. There's nothing wrong with showbiz, but there's something wrong with having to be physically poked in an erogenous zone to sell biscuits and croissants. Tee-hee!" The doughboy then further revealed that his famous giggle is not actually a response from being poked in the belly, but a nervous condition he aquired in Vietnam.
Pillsbury spokesperson Reggie Dawson, in response to the lawsuit, states that this is nothing more than a misunderstanding, "We thought Doughy and the giant finger had a great relationship. They've brought the Pillsbury brand into households across America and made our name a substantial contender. After all, who wouldn't want a flaky croissant made by that sweet, little, puffy, white man"? Dawson then described the many eras that the doughboy and the giant finger went through together, "Remember back in '91, when we tried to get a bit funky and made the doughboy rap? And remember when instead of the giant finger poking Doughy in the gut it stabbed him with a switchblade? Man, after that occurrence, I thought there was nothing that could keep these two apart. But I guess I was wrong."
The doughboy alleges that he has no actual ill-will towards the giant finger, but against the industry that forced him to get so intimate with such a giant finger, and then had the audacity to make it so darned cute, "I'll never be respected in this business? I'm not a man. I'm a character doughboy. Now I'll never work in this 'biz again. Tee-hee!"
In response to the possibility of tarnishing the Pillsbury brand name, a temporary replacement spokes-character has been put in charge of being poked in the belly. Dawson said "We think that Fritz the Cat is a fantastic substitute. Sure, he's had a shaky past, with those porno's from the 80's. But at Pillsbury, it's not about yesterday, but about today and tomorrow." While Fritz the cat seems to be adapting to his new role well, company execs are still looking for a fresh new doughy face to take Pillsbury into the next century.
The giant finger could not be reached for comment.