Ikariku's Funny Library

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All the jokes i posted on the homepage is composed by someone else, not me..
I have no copyrights on those jokes.....
If u r the composer.... then sorry....
If u r just a reader... then enjoy....






  • 101. Wife's speaking
    WIFESPEAK====>(ENGLISH EQUIVALENT)


    1. You want. ==>(You want.)
    2. We need.==>(I want.)
    3. It's your decision.==>(The correct decision should be obvious by now).
    4. Do what you want.==>(You'll pay for this later.)
    5. We need to talk.==>(I need to complain.)
    6. Sure...go ahead.==>(I don't want you to.)
    7. I'm not upset.==>(Of course I'm upset, you moron.)
    8. You're...so manly.==>(You need a shave and you sweat a lot.)
    9. You're certainly attentive tonight.==>(Is sex all you ever think about?)
    10. I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting!==>(I'm on my period.)
    11. Be romantic, turn out the lights.==>(I have flabby thighs.)
    12. This kitchen is so inconvenient.==>(I want a new house.)
    13. I want new curtains.==>(and carpeting, and furniture..)
    14. I need wedding shoes.==>(the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white.)
    15. Hang the picture there.==>(No, I mean hang it there!)
    16. I heard a noise.==>(I noticed you were almost asleep.)
    17. Do you love me?==>(I'm going to ask for something expensive.)
    18. How much do you love me?=>(I did something today you're really not going to like.)
    19. I'll be ready in a minute.==>(Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.)
    20. Is my butt fat?==>(Tell me I'm beautiful.)
    21. You have to learn to communicate.==>(Just agree with me.)
    22. Are you listening to me!?==>([Too late, your dead.])
    23. No==>(No)
    24. Maybe==>(No)
    25. yes==>(No)
    26. I'm sorry.==>(You'll be sorry.)
    27. Do you like this recipe?==>(It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it)
    28. I'M NOT YELLING!==>(Yes I am yelling because I think this is important)


    102. Conversation between Adam and God
    One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating
    the apple, and wondered about men and women.


    So looking up to the heavens he says, "Excuse me GOD, can I ask you
    a few questions?"


    GOD replied, "Go on Adam but be quick I have a world to create."


    So Adam says," When you created Eve, why did You make her body so
    curvy and tender unlike mine?"


    "I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."


    "Oh, well then, why did You give her long, shiny, beautiful hair,
    and not me?"


    "I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."


    "Oh, well then, why did You make her so stupid? Certainly not so
    that I could love her?"


    "Well Adam, no. I did that so that she could love you."


    103. We Better ask an expert
    When we want to know something, we go right to the top, right? The
    following experts made some confident predictions -- how did they do?
    Let's start off with the patent office.


    "Everything that can be invented has been invented." --Charles H.
    Duell, Office of Patents, 1899


    "There will never be a bigger plane built." --A Boeing engineer, after
    the first flight of the 247, a twin engine plane that carried ten
    people.


    "Ours has been the first, and doubtless to be the last, to visit this
    profitless locality." --Lt. Joseph Ives after visiting the Grand Canyon
    in 1861.


    "There is not the slightest indication that nuclear energy will ever be
    obtainable. It would mean that the atom would have to be shattered at
    will." Albert Einstein, 1932


    "We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out."
    Decca executive, 1962, after turning down the Beatles.


    "It will be years--not in my time--before a woman will become Prime
    Minister." --Margaret Thatcher, 1974


    "With over 50 foreign cars already on sale here, the Japanese auto
    industry isn't likely to carve out a big slice of the US market."
    --Business Week, August 2, 1968


    "Computers may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." --Popular Mechanics, 1949


    "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." --Ken
    Olson, president of Digital Equipment Corp. 1977


    "This telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered
    as a means of communication." --Western Union memo, 1876


    "No imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to
    nobody in particular?" --David Sarnoff's associates in response to his
    urging investment in the radio in the 1920's.


    "Who wants to hear actors talk?" --H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.


    "I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not
    Gary Cooper." --Gary Cooper, after turning down the lead role in Gone
    With The Wind.


    "Market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and
    chewy cookies like you make." --Response to Debbi Fields' idea of Mrs.
    Fields' Cookies


    "We don't need you. You haven't got through college yet." --Hewlett
    Packard excuse to Steve Jobs, who founded Apple Computers instead.


    "I think there's a world market for about five computers." --Thomas J.
    Watson, chairman of the board of IBM.


    "The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives."
    --Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb Project.


    "Airplanes are interesting toys, but they are of no military value
    whatsoever." --Marechal Ferdinand Fock, Professor of Strategy, Ecole
    Superieure de Guerre


    "Stocks have reached a permanently high plateau." --Irving Fisher,
    Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929


    "No matter what happens, the U.S. Navy is not going to be caught
    napping." --U.S. Secretary of Navy, December 4, 1941
    "While theoretically and technically television may be feasible,
    commercially and financially it is an impossibility." --Lee DeForest,
    inventor


    "Radio has no future. Heavier-than-air flying machines are
    impossible. X-rays will prove to be a hoax." --William Thomson, Lord
    Kelvin English scientist, 1899


    104. Bumper Stickers Seen About Town


    -TIME IS WHAT KEEPS THINGS FROM HAPPENING ALL AT ONCE


    -I DIDN'T FIGHT MY WAY TO THE TOP OF THE FOOD CHAIN TO BE A
    VEGETARIAN


    -IF WE AREN'T SUPPOSED TO EAT ANIMALS, WHY ARE THEY MADE WITH MEAT?


    -I DON'T SUFFER FROM INSANITY, I ENJOY EVERY MINUTE OF IT


    -IT'S LONELY AT THE TOP, BUT YOU EAT BETTER


    -LOVE: TWO VOWELS, TWO CONSONANTS, TWO FOOLS


    -ACCORDING TO MY CALCULATIONS THE PROBLEM DOESN'T EXIST


    -SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE ONLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO KILL THEM


    -PRIDE IS WHAT WE HAVE. VANITY IS WHAT OTHERS HAVE.


    -FORGET ABOUT WORLD PEACE. VISUALIZE USING YOUR TURN SIGNAL.


    -WARNING: DATES ON CALENDAR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR


    -GIVE ME AMBIGUITY OR GIVE ME SOMETHING ELSE


    -WE HAVE ENOUGH YOUTH, HOW ABOUT A FOUNTAIN OF "SMART"?


    -MAKE IT IDIOT PROOF AND SOMEONE WILL MAKE A BETTER IDIOT


    -HE WHO LAUGHS LAST THINKS SLOWEST


    -I SMILE BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON


    -ALWAYS REMEMBER YOU'RE UNIQUE, JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE


    -LOTTERY: A TAX ON PEOPLE WHO ARE BAD AT MATH


    -VERY FUNNY SCOTTY. NOW BEAM DOWN MY CLOTHES.


    -PURITANISM: THE HAUNTING FEAR THAT SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE
    MAY BE HAPPY


    -CONSCIOUSNESS: THAT ANNOYING TIME BETWEEN NAPS


    -WE ARE MICROSOFT. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED.


    -3 KINDS OF PEOPLE: THOSE WHO CAN COUNT AND THOSE WHO CAN'T


    -EVER STOP TO THINK, AND FORGET TO START AGAIN?


    -I LIKE YOU BUT I WOULDN'T WANT TO SEE YOU WORKING WITH SUB-ATOMIC
    PARTICLES


    -LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION, I CAN FIND IT MYSELF
    105. why man... what man.... how man...


    - Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
    : To knock the penises off the smart ones.


    - What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
    : The man.


    - Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
    : When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.


    - What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
    : Men always miss them.


    - Why are men like commercials?
    : You can't believe a word they say.


    - Why are men like popcorn?
    : They satisfy you, but only for a little while.


    - Why are men like blenders?
    : You need one, but you're not quite sure why.


    - Why do so many women fake orgasm?
    : Because so many men fake foreplay.


    - What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
    : When the power goes off.


    - What do men and women have in common?
    : They both distrust men.


    - How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt
    gifts?
    : Guilt gifts are nicer.


    - What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
    : His wife is good at picking out clothes.


    - How is a man like the weather?
    : Nothing can be done to change either one of them.


    - What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
    : One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the
    other is giving birth.


    - What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single
    40-year-old man?
    : The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the man thinks
    often about dating them.


    - Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger.
    What do men dream of?
    : Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.


    - What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
    : Slow.


    - What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
    : They're married.


    - What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?
    : An insurance company.


    - Why don't men often show their true feelings?
    : Because they don't have any.


    - What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
    : Castrated.


    - What's the difference between government bonds and men?
    : Bonds mature.


    - What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
    : E.T. phoned home.


    - Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
    : So men can remember them.
    106. News...


    PITTSBURGH (05-16) - A man promised his wife manicotti for
    dinner but instead made spaghetti - and she was not happy
    with the changed menu.
    What was supposed to be a nice family dinner turned into
    an ugly dispute when Michael Stefanowicz opted for the
    'easier to make' spaghetti. "She called him lazy and he called
    her a fat pig," said Lt. Gregory Tenos.
    Mrs. Stefanowicz claims her husband hit her and she called
    her brother to the rescue. James Shenkel, armed with a gun,
    fired a bullet into the wall as he was trying to shoot Stefanowicz.
    Shenkel is facing several criminal charges.
    --------------------


    +++ FT. LAUDERDALE, Fla. (NT, 05-16) - The family of Molly
    Cohen, an amputee who was buried without her legs, received
    $1.25 million in punitive and compensatory damages from a
    funeral home guilty of losing the legs. Cohen's legs were
    amputated in 1986 and were given to the funeral home for
    safekeeping with the intention to be reburied with her when
    she died. Cohen died in 1993 but the legs were missing.


    +++ CHICAGO (AP, 05-19) Contributor: [Carjustice@aol.com] -
    A 55-year-old teacher was removed from classroom duties
    pending an investigation after showing his fourth-grade computer
    class students the R-rated movie "Striptease." The movie
    features actress Demi Moore and contains nudity.


    +++ KUWAIT (Reuters, 05-19) - An unusual rescue took place
    after an Indian worker's penis was trapped in a metal bearing.
    Authorities said the man was trying to have sex with the
    'ring-shaped metal object.' "He was crying in pain when we
    got to him," a rescue worker said.


    ==================================================
    +++ ADDIS ABABA, Ethiopia (Reuters, 05-12) - Six teenage
    girls would rather be dead than being forced to marry their
    elderly cousins. The girls shot, hanged or drowned themselves
    to escape the "forced" traditional marriages.


    ===================================================
    +++ LAS VEGAS (AP, 05-19) Contributor: [Carjustice@aol.com]
    - A woman who earns $1,000 a month was recently ordered to
    pay over $10,000 in back child support to her millionaire
    ex-husband. HE SAID: "I do not need the money to support
    the children. I do think she needs to make some contribution
    to their living. She brought them into the world. She has an
    obligation to make payments." SHE SAID: "The irony of this
    is that one of the reasons he got the children was that he was
    better able to support them."
    107. Characteristics of men..


    1.Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.


    2.Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
    They've experienced pain and have bought jewelry.


    3.Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world
    where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.


    4.Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident
    that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if
    he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in
    trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're
    really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they
    call him.


    5.Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel
    important.


    6.Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning.
    Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.


    7.All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under
    my pillow instead of a gun.


    8.A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men
    usually have jobs and bathe.


    9.All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship."
    These seven words strike fear into the heart of even General
    Schwartzkopf.


    10.Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire
    and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.


    11.Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have
    two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two
    types: nerdy and nerdy.


    12.Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your
    heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a
    man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.


    13.Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've
    never seen a man walk into a party and say, "Oh, my God,
    I'm so embarrassed. Get me out of here. There's another man
    wearing a black tuxedo."


    14.Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is
    usually on the first floor, two inches from the door.


    15.If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three
    or more types of lettuce, he is serious.


    16.If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right"
    because he got older, got a new job, or visited a
    psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The
    cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.


    17.No man is charming all the time. Even Cary Grant is on
    record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.


    18.When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.


    19.When four or more women get together, they talk about men.


    20.Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen
    the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice voluntarily.


    21.Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I
    emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are
    outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"


    22.If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't
    forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He
    just didn't want to call you.


    24.Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a
    problem.. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again"
    might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man,
    suggest saying "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to
    have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.


    25.Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with
    superheroes. Women have bad self-images because they
    grow up identifying with Barbie.


    26.Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause.
    With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes.
    Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive
    motorcycles.


    27.Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's
    why men need instant replays in sports. They've already
    forgotten what's happened.
    108. Schitt family..


    WHEN SOMEONE SAYS:


    "You don't know Jack Schitt__"


    Now you'll know the entire story!


    Jack Schitt is the only son of O. Schitt and Awe Schitt. O.
    Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, who later ran the Kneedeep
    Inn-Schitt. Jack Schitt eventually married Noe Schitt, and together they
    produced six children.


    Holy Schitt, their first child, passed on shortly after birth.



    Next came twin sons: Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, and the two daughters:
    Fulla Schitt and Givva Schitt. Their final child, another son, was named Bull
    Schitt. In the mean time, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school
    drop out. Dip Schitt married Lotta Schitt, and they have a son, Chicken
    Schitt.


    Fulla Schitt and Givva Schitt married the Happens Brothers... The
    Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt, and Horace
    Schitt.


    Bull Schitt married a spicy number, Pesa Schitt, and they're
    awaiting the arrival of Baby Schitt.


    So now that not only do you know Jack Schitt, but his entire
    family as well!
    109. Rules to be a man...


    100 ways to keep your Testosterone flowing
    1.Don't call, ever.


    2.If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to
    let her figure it out by herself.


    3.Lie.


    4.Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and
    unoriginal, such as "spike"


    5.If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell
    them you mailed it to them.


    6.Here's a good pickup line, "My girlfiend's pregnant, will
    you go out with me?


    7.Drink Vernors.


    8.Play with yourself. Talk about it.


    9.Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a
    nice grunt will do.


    10.Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what,
    it isn't your fault.


    11.Lie.


    12.Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women
    than baths.


    13.Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need
    help- don't ask. People will think you have no penis.


    14.Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.


    15.Vanity is the most important trait for a man to have.
    Whenever you pass a reflective surface, check you hair,
    clothing, etc.


    16.If you don't like a girl, but can't think of a good
    enough reason why, just come up with trite, meaningless
    explanations like, "I don't know. I just don't like her personality."


    17.If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone,
    use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are
    permissible.

    18.TWO WORDS: Hack and spit.


    19.Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his
    name with urine.


    20.One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her
    best friend. She will then see what she's missing and love
    you for not giving up on her.


    21.Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.


    22.Say things like "Wha...?"


    23.Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your
    girlfriend picked it out, and it will cramp your style
    on picking up chicks.

    24.Lie.


    25.Deny everthing. Everything.


    26.Good break up line, "It's not you, it's me."


    27.If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about
    her. Because if any of your female friends like you, they'll
    really want to know.


    28.Don't have a clue.


    29.If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.


    30.'No' means 'yes'.


    31.'Yes' means 'no'.


    32.If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will
    shrivel. Enforce this rule at all times.


    33.If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions
    and locations. Improvise.


    34.Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex
    often signifies the end of a relationship.


    35.Feelings? What feelings?


    36.Tell this to your girl before you have sex, "Don't worry.
    If you don't have an orgasm, you won't get pregnant."


    37.Life is one big competition. If someone is better than
    you at anything, either pretend it's not true or kick some ass.


    38.Gays are an unacceptable part of our society. Take it upon
    yourself to personally irradicate all of them from the planet.


    39.DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed
    into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still
    must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for
    escape. Example:
    Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?"
    Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each day."


    40.Every sentence that anyone says can be contorted to have
    sexual meaning.


    41.At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various
    genitalia. If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make
    an exact replica of your penis. Measure to make sure it's right.


    42.Lie.


    43."Love" is not in your vocabulary. don't even think about
    saying it.


    44.A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy
    you completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it.


    45.Diss your girlfriend. Beg and plead until you get her back.
    Diss her again. Repeat cycle.


    46.Lie.


    47.ALWAYS apologize. NEVER mean it.


    48.If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.


    49.Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial
    things. You know, like your girlfriend's b-day and eye color.


    50.Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they
    can't see you.


    51.It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.


    52.Create new words and phrases to describe genetalia, sex, semen, etc.


    53.Complain about not getting any mail. When people FINALLY feel sorry
    or you and send you mail, ignore it and continue complaining.


    54.Lie.


    55.Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people
    you don't know.


    56.Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people
    you don't know.


    57.If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing,
    DON'T STOP! This is the desired reaction.


    58.You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without virginity.


    59.You are male, therefore you are superior.


    60.Agenda for a boring evening: Get beer. Drink beer.
    Play with yourself. Have sex. Drink more beer. Pass out.


    61.Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please
    you.


    62.Don't ever notice anything.
    63.If you're going out with someone but you love someone else, don't say
    anything. Wait until the girl you are going out with falls in love with
    YOU, and then tell her.


    64.Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.


    65.Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.


    66.Lie.


    67.If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically you've
    done nothing wrong.


    68.Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to
    cry about, anyway?


    69.If the question begins with "why," the answer is "I don't know."


    70.Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away.


    71.Remember, Every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.


    72.If you ever find yourself in a position where you have been
    proven wrong, blame others. Come up with creative and believable
    excuses why they are at fault- not you.


    73.Don't ever let anyone say "I told you so." If you hear this
    phrase and it didn't come out of your mouth, go ballistic.


    74.If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a
    parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be
    it. You will have the coveted "door spot" and others will worship your
    skills.


    75.Keep track of how many seconds in your life you have thought about sex.
    Compare with others.


    76.Other peoples' pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long and loud.


    77.Lie.


    78.General Rule: Different is BAD.


    79.If anyone asks you for a favor- a) make a big deal about how hard
    it is for you to do it, b) remind them of this huge favor you've done for
    them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life.


    80.Each penny you save will be worth at least a dollar in the long run.


    81.If you do something really mean to a girl, and she doesn't want
    to talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn't talk to you,
    casually ask, "is something wrong?"


    82.Three words: Let's be friends. Translation: I never want to speak to you
    again, but it's bad for my nice-guy image if you are mad at me, so I'll
    pretend I want to be your friend.


    83.Lie.


    84.If you're on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the
    girl how many different dorms you've been laid in.


    85.When you tell a girl about your past, it's good to say, "God, I was such
    a pimp back then."


    86.Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave and when you
    come back, you want her naked, sprawled on the bed. Leave,and go into
    her dad's room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then
    drive like hell. (true story.)


    87.If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone else,
    she has no right to be upset. Because, you know, SHE's the one who wanted
    to end the relationship.


    88.The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls on top.


    89.Practice your blank stare.


    90.Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up your ass.
    Then, whenever you need one, you can pull it out of your ass.


    91.If you ever forced to show emotion, just pick random emotions like rage
    and lust and insanity and display them at random, inconvenient times. You
    don't be asked to do it again.


    92.If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to do, first try
    your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go
    ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you
    don't know how to do it and continuously ask questions on how
    to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you
    YET, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly
    can and then say, "SEE?? I TOLD you I couldn't do it."
    Eventually, people will stop asking you to do things.


    93.Work out day and night to make your body even more beautiful than it
    already is. When people ask if you've been working out, say
    things like, "No, baby, I was BORN like this!"


    94.Do not listen to "pussy music" such as Erasure, Color Me Badd, or Oldies.


    95.Beer. Then more beer.


    96.Scratch your balls. See if you can embarrass people.


    97.One word: FOOTBALL!


    98.Real men beat up others who are inferior. I mean, we don't want the
    inferior of the species to get to reproduce ever, do we???


    99.Diss your girl friends for an occasional night or 5 out with "The Gang".


    100 LIE.
    110. Tire, Tire, and tire...


    I'm tired. For a couple of years I've been blaming it on my
    iron-poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting, and a dozen other
    maladies. But now I found out the real reason: I'm tired
    because I'm overworked.


    The population of the USA is 237 million. 104 million are retired.
    That leaves 133 million to do the work.


    There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work.


    Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
    This leaves 19 million to do the work.


    Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million
    to do the work.


    Take from that total the 14,800,000 people who work for State
    and City government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.


    There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.


    Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two
    people to do the work.


    You and me.


    And you're sitting there reading this.




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