Ikariku's Funny Library
!!!!! Notice !!!!!!
All the jokes i posted on the homepage is composed by someone else, not me..
I have no copyrights on those jokes.....
If u r the composer.... then sorry....
If u r just a reader... then enjoy....
221. 喔∼依∼喔
話說以前的森林中的泰山可是不盪樹藤和叫喔∼依∼喔∼的
可是有一天泰山出門巡視森林時忽然聽到一聲
" 救命啊∼∼∼∼∼∼∼ "
泰山趕過去一看原來是有一位漂亮的小姐掉到泥沼中啦
這時泰山想起馬蓋仙說得要善用環境
妥善觀察後發現旁邊有一棵大樹和一條長長的老樹藤
泰山靈機一動想說我可以爬上去盪著樹藤過去救她啊
於是泰山就爬到樹上對小姐喊道
小姐當我盪過去的時候妳要趁機抓緊我下面的樹藤啊
於是乎泰山就盪過去啦
可是人有錯手 馬有失蹄
當泰山盪過去的時候小姐心一急不小心就抓到泰山的.....
泰山從來沒有過這種刺激又美妙的感覺於是乎他就叫出了
喔∼∼∼∼∼∼依∼∼∼∼∼∼∼喔∼∼∼∼∼∼∼
於是乎泰山保持多年的童真就毀於一旦啦
從此以後泰山只要一盪樹藤就想起那快樂的感覺
所以泰山就喜歡上這個滋味 一代傳一代......
妳今天看到的泰山才會喜歡盪樹藤和叫喔∼依∼喔∼
故事說完啦好聽就來點掌聲吧
ps: 可不能對泰山說是我洩漏他的祕密的喔
223. Computer Acromyns
PCMCIA People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN It Still Does Nothing
APPLE Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
SCSI System Can't See It
DOS Defective Operating System
BASIC Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM I Blame Microsoft
DEC Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2 Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
PENTIUM Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
COBOL Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
AMIGA A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
LISP Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis
MIPS Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
WINDOWS Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
MICROSOFT Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
224. Kiss on the buttock
There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The
woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they
couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so skinny. The
husband then donated some of his skin...however, the only place
suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks.
The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all
this was a very delicate matter!
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at thewoman's
new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All
her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful
beauty!
She was alone with her husband one day & she wanted to thank him for
what he did. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything
you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!!!
He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every
time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!
225. Women vs Continental
From 10-15, Women are like Antartica, We'd all like to explore there,
but it's just too damn dangerous.
From 15 to 20, women are like Africa - Part virgin and part explored.
From 21 to 35, women are like Asia - Hot and exotic.
From 35 to 45, they are like the United States - Fully explored and free with their resources.
From 45 to 55, they are like Europe - Exhausted, but still interesting in places.
From 55 on, they are like Australia - Everybody knows it's down there but nobody cares very much.
226. short jokes x3
Three musclely mice are sitting around one day, debating over which one of
them is the toughest. None of them can come to a conclusion, so the first
mouse gets up, and says ' Watch this '.
So he gets up and walks over to the mouse trap, steals the cheese and sets
the trap off. So the metal bit comes down, and he catches it in one hand,
and starts to bench-press the bloody thing. ' Thats how tough I am ' he
says.
Unimpressed, the second mouse gets up, and walks over to the mouse bait
station, and grabs one of the larger pellets. So he karate chops the
pellet, it turns to fine dust, and he bends down and sniffs the whole lot
up his nose. ' Hows that ', he says.
Then the third mouse gets up, and starts to walk away. Both mice ask '
Where you going ? '
' Watch this, I'm going outside to f*** the cat !!!!! '
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
One day, while Michelangelo was painting the ceiling of the Sistine
Chapel, he grew terribly bored. Suddenly, in walks an older Italian women who kneels down to pray.
Michelangelo decides to mess with her. From the scaffolding high above
where the woman could not see him, Michelangelo said, "This is Jesus
Christ!"
But the woman ignored him and continued to pray. Michelangelo repeated
a little louder, "This is Jesus Christ!" But the woman continued to pray. "I said, this is Jesus Christ!"
Michelangelo now screamed. To this the woman replied, "Shut upa you. I'ma talkin' to you Mama."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
How do you know which politician is Pauline Hanson? She's the one with the
tampon behind her ear wondering what she did with her pencil.
Why does John Howard comb his hair over his bald spot? To catch
everything that goes over his head.
Why does NASA hire politicians? They are doing research on black holes.
227. Dogs name: SEX
Usually, anyone who has a dog calls him Rover or Spot or some such
name, I called mine Sex, and it got me into constant trouble.
One day when he was young I took Sex for a walk and he slipped his
collar and ran away. I spent hours looking for him. A policeman
came along and asked me what i was doing in an alley at midnight. I
told him i was looking for Sex.
That was my first court appearance.
One day I went into the town hall to get my dog registered. I told
the clerk I wanted a licence for Sex. He said he would like one too.
When I said that he didnt understand, that it was for a dog. He
said that he didn't care what she looked like.
Again I said that he didn't understand and that I had had Sex
since I was 5 years old. He said that I must have been a strong boy.
When I decided to get married I told the minister that I wanted to
have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the ceremony.
I said that Sex had played a big part of my life and my whole
lifestyle revolved around Sex. He said he didn't want to hear about it
and he would not allow us to have Sex in the church.
I told him all my friends and relatives coming to the church would
enjoy having Sex there. He barred the lot of us and we had to get
married in the Registry Office.
Of course, my wife and I took the dog along with us on our honeymoon
and when I checked into the motel I told the clerk we wanted an
extra room for Sex. The clerk said that every room was for sex.
I said you didn't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night, and the
clerk said "Me too."
When my wife and I divorced we went to court to fight for custody
of the dog. I said, "Your honour, I had Sex before I was married,"
and he replied, "Me too."
Well, now I have been thrown in jail, been married, divorced, and
had more darn troubles with that dog than I ever bargained on.
Why, just the other day when I went for my first session with my
psychiatrist she asked me what seemed to be the trouble. I replied
that Sex had died and left my life. It was like losing a friend.
She said: "You should buy yourself a dog."
228. Rabbit and Fox
One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the
fine weather. The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox
snuck up behind her and caught her.
"I am going to eat you for lunch!", said the fox.
"Wait!", replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."
"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"
"Well, I am just finishing my thesis on 'The Superiority of rabbits over
Foxes and Wolves.'"
"Are you crazy? I should eat you right now! Everybody knows that a fox
will always win over a rabbit."
"Not really, not according to my research. If you like, you can come
into my hole and read it for yourself. If you are not convinced, you can
go ahead and have me for lunch."
"You really are crazy!" But since the fox was curious and had nothing to
lose, it went with the rabbit. The fox never came out.
A few days later the rabbit was again taking a break from writing and
sure enough, a wolf came out of the bushes and was ready to set upon
her.
"Wait!" yelled the rabbit, "you can't eat me right now."
"And why might that be, my furry appetizer?"
"I am almost finished writing my thesis on 'The Superiority of
Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"
The wolf laughed so hard that it almost lost its grip on the rabbit.
"Maybe I shouldn't eat you; you really are sick ... in the head. You
might have something contagious."
"Come and read it for yourself; you can eat me afterward if you
disagree with my conclusions." So the wolf went down into the rabbit's hole ...
and never came out.
The rabbit finished her thesis and was out celebrating in the local
lettuce patch. Another rabbit came along and asked, "What's up? You
seem very happy."
"Yup, I just finished my thesis."
"Congratulations. What's it about?"
"'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"
"Are you sure? That doesn't sound right."
"Oh yes. Come and read it for yourself."
So together they went down into the rabbit's hole. As they
entered, the friend saw the typical graduate abode, albeit a rather
messy one after writing a thesis. The computer with the controversial
work was in one corner. And to the right there was a pile of fox bones, on the
left a pile of wolf bones. And in the middle was a large, well-fed lion.
229. Top Ten x3
Subject: Top Ten (fwd)
Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Law But Aren't:
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isn't:
1. Think you can get me off?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren't:
10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
5. HMMMMMMMM....I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in the office but isn't:
1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Top ten things that sound dirty in golf but aren't:
10. Nuts...my shaft is bent
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker
7. Look at the size of his putter
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't:
1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first
230. 好找老婆
快要結婚的年輕農夫向醫生請教如何使陽具變大，好找老婆。
醫生建議：「先把你的陽具放在牛奶中，然後再給小牛吸，
二個星期後，陽具就會變大」
幾個星期後，兩人在路上不期而遇。
「婚姻生活愉快嗎？」醫生關心的問。
農夫吞吞吐吐地不說話。
「應該不會不順利吧！」醫生很驚奇。
「我已經沒有必要結婚了！」
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