Ikariku's Funny Library
!!!!! Notice !!!!!!
All the jokes i posted on the homepage is composed by someone else, not me..
I have no copyrights on those jokes.....
If u r the composer.... then sorry....
If u r just a reader... then enjoy....
251. How to Interpret a Resume
Term------What it really means:
Bright-------Wears lots of yellow and red (usually together)
Intelligent------Got a gold star for spelling in first grade
Computer-literate--------Knows the difference between a mouse and a terminal
Great-communicator------------Fired from his last job for telling the boss exactly what he thought of him
Detail-oriented---------Will spend eight hours perfecting a 2-minute job
Sees-the-big-picture---------Hasn't got a clue about how to do the work required to get to the big picture
Prompt-------First one out the door at quitting time
Hard-working-----------For at least at ten minutes a day
Conscientious----------Knows EXACTLY how much sick time and holiday time he has left
Friendly------------Watch out for attractive members of your staff
Honest--------------Gossips
252. Human Resources Guidebook
What is a human resource? Does your organization struggle with the
problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy hint for
ensuring success in job placement.
Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them
in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two
hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and
see what they are doing.
* If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in
Engineering.
* If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to
Finance.
* If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to
Manufacturing.
* If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for
them.
* If they are sleeping, they are Management material.
* If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.
* If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to
Security.
* If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to
Marketing.
* And if they've left early, put them in Sales.
253. Great one liners !
Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression
The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
The name is Baud......, James Baud.
Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
Hit any user to continue.
If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then
programming must be the process of putting them in.
Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.
Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of
conversing with inanimate objects.
Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write,
it should be hard to understand."
254. 大鬍子在抽雪茄
從前有一個人,他要到南部去,在途中的時候,他想去上廁所,可是火車上人很多,就很擠啊..
等到他到廁所的時候,又爆滿,所以他只好走
到車廂間的樓梯方便,途然又到了另一個車
站,車站下有一個小女孩對他媽媽說:媽媽,
火車上有一個大鬍子在抽雪茄...........
255. 不想接電話的理由
接電話說 : [........
1. [ 對不起,您所撥的號碼對方無法接收 (我用 "行動電話" ,我把他關機了!!)]
2. [ 喂,104查號台你好!!!!]
3. [現在為您撥報台灣地區各地溫度....................]
4. [對不起.....你打的電話是空號.....請查明再後播.....謝謝.....]
5. [喂!!李連棺材店!你要訂什麼size的??]
6. [登~~~下面音響 八點 十八分 四十秒........]
7. [嗶,這隻電話未繳費暫停使用]
8. [喂,松山工農訓導處你好(捏著鼻子講)!!!]
9. [喂~我不在 ]
10. [喂...我找xxx...什麼?他不在?bye...]
11. [喂∼這是國際色情電話,請問你要找哪一位呀!!....]
12. [*r?打錯了啦....]
13. [鐵路局語音訂票糸統，訂票請按１，查詢請按２，取消請按３....
......您輸入的選項，糸統無法辨視，謝謝您的使用]
14. [喂..喂~~喂~~咦~耐沒聲音..係恩係電話壞了.. ]
事後說:[.......
1. [我家停電,電話不能用.....]
2. [電話被剪線了]
3. [下雨了,要收衣服.]
4. [電話會沒電.]
5. [會傳染口蹄疫.]
6. [我在連網路,怎麼接?]
7. [喔...我還沒去申請啦.....]
8. [我換大哥大了....]
9. [電話不讓我接.....]
10. [沒有話筒]
11. [找不到電話]
12. [我在洗澡...]
13. [電話會咬我]
14. [電話得了ＡＩＤＳ.....]
15. [我家沒電話]
16. [睡夢中]
17. [電話在罷工啦..!]
18. [電話睡著了....]
19. [我的電話不會響]
20. [這個電話不是找我的!!!!! 不接也罷!!!!]
256. 算命
有一個大學生很喜歡給人算命.........
一天......... 聽說一個啞巴命仙算得很準...........
他就. . . .
一進門............ 就不屑一顧地表是自己是X大畢業........
啞巴命仙一想 : [......... 正好..........
那我用英文寫起來比較快..........]
啞巴命仙一下筆.......
就寫了'Cancer'.........
大學生一看大驚失色........
趕快跑去醫院檢查........
結果沒事........
想砸命先招牌........
一進命先的門.........
命仙說: [奇怪勒..........
那天我算出你是巨蟹座(Cancer)........
為啥就跑走啦...........
連兩百元我都還沒找你錢耶!!!!]
257. 頭三字倒到尾三字
香港人喜歡怪念頭, 有這樣的一首詩:
"上水居民居水上", 將頭三字倒到尾三字成為一首詩o
上水, 乃香港之某地方名o
異曲同工者有:
"長洲賓客賓洲長"o 賓洲, 乃香港字, 曰那話兒; 長洲, 乃香港
地方名也!!
小弟獻醜, 作一同樣詩:----------
"倫敦教授教敦倫" 失禮!!
258. 喝水紙杯
各位知道嗎?
雖然我們常用紙杯喝水,
但紙杯用久了,還是會濕掉,變得軟軟的,
我同事就因此發生了一段曖昧的對話:
學員:小姐!這怎麼變得軟軟的?
小姐:你用了那麼多次,當然就軟掉了啊!
接著就聽見四周傳來曖昧的笑聲.....
大家的思想都有點邪惡......
259. 張飛與曹操的女兒
話說〞張曹隔江會談〞破裂後，他們次日又再度隔江對話，
由於前一日，曹操夠生氣了，改派他女兒上場；
曹操女兒高舉雙手，合成中空三角形，張飛右手握拳高舉；
曹操女兒比了三，張飛比了五；
曹操女兒伸出兩個手掌比十，張飛高舉右手掌甩了甩；
各自回營後：
曹操問女兒：如何？
曹操女兒：我說我們三國鼎立好不好？他說他要一國獨霸；
我說我們現在有三十萬大軍，他說他們有五十萬
我說我們還可以再來一百萬，他說他不怕我們。
曹操再度氣倒
張飛回營後
諸葛亮：如何？
張飛：哦！他媽的曹操！色鬼一個！沒想到女兒更色！
她說她的這麼大啦！(雙手合成中空三角)我說我的這
麼粗！她說她最少要高潮三次！我說我可以發射五次
！她說她一次要玩十個男人啦！我說我輸她了啦！
260. Q&A
1. Why it is impossible to send a telegram to Washington today ?
Ans : Because he is dead.
2. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become ?
Ans : It becomes wet.
3. What often falls but never gets hurt ?
Ans : Rain
4. What is that no man ever saw - which never was but always will
be ?
Ans : TOMORROW
5. Why does a dog bite its tail ?
Ans : To make both ends meet.
6. What looks like half apple ?
Ans : The other half.
7. What can you never eat for breakfast ?
Ans : Dinner.
8. What gets wet with drying ?
Ans : A towel.
9. What 3 letters change a girl into a woman ?
Ans : AGE.
10. What happened when wheel was invented ?
Ans : It caused a revolution.
11. Why is it easy to weigh a fish ?
Ans : Because it has its own scales.
12. Why does a bike rest on its leg ?
Ans : Because it is too tyred.
13. Why letter E is like Death ?
Ans : Because it is end of 'LIFE'
14. What 4 letters will frighten a thief ?
Ans : OICU.
15. What goes up but never comes down ?
Ans : Your age.
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