Ikariku's Funny Library
!!!!! Notice !!!!!!
All the jokes i posted on the homepage is composed by someone else, not me..
I have no copyrights on those jokes.....
If u r the composer.... then sorry....
If u r just a reader... then enjoy....
261. TOP TEN NEW AMERICA ONLINE TERMS OF SERVICE ADDITIONS
In light of the furor over AOL's recent plan to sell member phone
numbers to telemarketers, AOL is reexamining its Terms of Service
(TOS) agreements with its members. Here are the additions to the
TOS that are under the most careful review:
10. Rule: all customers must wear pants while online
9. All email automatically cc'd to your ex-wife
8. Free ant farm (stocked!) with sign-up
7. Extra charge incurred for denying offers for AOL credit card
6. Instant Messages now read out loud to you in your choice of
voice: Gilbert Gottfried or Phyllis Diller
5. New feature: all junk email automatically sent to your
printer!
4. Special rates for bulk mailers!
3. Genetic gender verification now required in chat rooms
2. Steve Case will visit your house and personally apologize for
busy signals
1. Special bonus! Free dentistry with the premium access plan
262. Thoughts on Golf
In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs
and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society,
it is called golf.
The man who takes up golf to get his mind off his work soon takes up
work to get his mind off golf.
Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor
players.
Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.
The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not
too often.
There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons,
practice constantly, or start cheating.
An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before
swinging, and once again after swinging.
Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot
count, criticize or laugh.
Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in
front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.
There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play
eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.
263. Get Married
Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with
friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow
has, you wish you had ordered that.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your
wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married
the wrong man."
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and
the woman gets her master's.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in most countries, son.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until
I got married; and then it was too late.
A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the
wife takes.
When a newly married man looks happy we know why. But when a ten-year
married man looks happy - we wonder why.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man
speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the
man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I
married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and
didn't notice it."
It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up
with the same boss.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he
received 100 letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one
thing: either the car is new or the wife.
A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.
A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a
millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend.
The woman replied, " A multi-millionaire".
264. 心痛的感覺
有一天,xx學校辦園遊會,A生就逛
呀~逛呀~逛到一個攤位,看到有一
杯飲料叫"心痛的感覺"$50!因為聽
起來不錯!所以就點了一杯喝喝看!
結果服務生給了他一杯冰開水!
他就很好奇的問這就是我點的嗎?"
服務生說"妳不是要點"心痛的感覺"嗎??
265. 機車加油
有一天， 一位穿著迷你裙的年輕女孩到
加油站去加油！因為她的機車加油口是
在機車的腳踏處,所以她就只坐在機車上，
並沒有下車讓加油員加油。當加油員要
加油時，發現那女孩坐在機車上，以致他
不方便加油，於是他便開口說道:「小姐
,麻煩妳把腳張開一點,我插不進去。」
只見那位小姐滿臉通紅, 旁邊的人都笑
翻了,而那位加油員卻一臉茫然.....
266. 臥房 GOLF 規則
1. 球員須自備球具; 通常為ㄧ桿兩球; 球場有三洞, 上, 前, 後各ㄧ.
2. 在ㄧ球場打球前, 須得場主同意; 違者可能遭民法或刑法訴訟.
3. 與室外 GOLF 不同, 目標是將球桿插入球洞而將球擺於洞外;
如果球洞仍有空間, 將球放入球洞, 在場主同意範圍內, 不算違規.
4. 為了讓賓主盡歡, 球桿應越硬越好; 場主得以予打球前檢察球桿的硬度;
熱情的場主可能建議球員先打上面球洞暖身, 增加球桿硬度.
5. 為了避免對球洞造成破壞, 場主得以限制球桿插入球洞長度.
6. 另ㄧ目標是敲越多桿越好, 直到場主滿意為止; 沒運動精神者
(諸如敲沒幾桿就棄甲停戰), 可能被場主宣告終身禁止進入球場打球.
7. ㄧ到球場就立刻揮桿入洞也被視為另ㄧ種沒運動精神的表現;
老手通常會先到整個球場四處觀看游走, 對於突起的庂地及樹叢
加予特別的注意.
8. 球員最好不要向場主提及曾經或目前仍在玩的球場; 惱怒的場主
可能對球員作出報復, 諸如損毀球員的球具 (yeh, 球桿或球),
或邀請更多球員來場打球.
9. 球員須善待球場; 據聞最近在美國有球員abuse球場而遭惱怒的場主
剪斷其球桿, 法庭後來判決場主無罪.
10. 球場第ㄧ次開場始用, 球員應特別小心; 球桿太大者, 更應動作放輕慢,
以免場主心疼.
11. 球場通常每月顧定保養一個星期, 上紅漆補草; 這段期間, 最好避免
揮桿入洞, 以免造成球員與場主間不必要的尷尬. 球員若受不了ㄧ定
要揮桿, 可以在場外用手搓揉球桿以及揮揮空桿, 應可勉強解絕球員
急欲揮桿的需要. 膽大或罩的住的球員, 或許會在此間另尋球場.
12. 球員欲試後洞者, 最好事先與場主間協調, 取得同意.
13. 通常建議球員慢慢揮桿, 但是球員得在場主之要求下, 加速衝刺揮桿.
14. 球員的表現, 由場主一人主觀決定.
267. SOME DEFINITIONS OF MARRIAGE
ACCOUNTANT: Marriage means making a profit, having another person to
share in the daily expenses.
ARCHITECT: A man is said to be incomplete before he's married. After
that, he's finished.
BANKER: Marriage is an investment that pays dividends if you pay
the interest.
CARDIOLOGIST: Love is an itch around the heart that cannot be
scratched.
ECONOMIST: Marriage is like a barter trade. There must be a double
coincidence of wants.
FIREMAN: Husbands these days are like fires. They go out if left
unattended.
GOLDSMITH: Love comes in three rings. The first is the engagement
ring. Then comes the wedding ring and then the suffering.
MATHEMATICIAN: Give your wife an inch and she becomes the ruler.
MUSICIAN: Marriage brings music to a man's life. He learns to play
second fiddle.
OPHTHALMOLOGIST: Love is blind. But marriage is an eye opener. You
have to see eye to eye.
OPTICIAN: Before you get married, open two eyes. After that, close
one eye.
PHILOSOPHER: Marriage teaches you forbearances, meekness, patience,
thriftiness and a great many things you wouldn't need if you had stayed
single.
PIANIST: Marriage is like a piano. How well it sounds depends on
how well you keep it in tune.
PLUMBER: Marriage is like a warm bath. Once you get used to it, it
is not so hot.
SOLDIER: Marriage is like a besieged castle. Those who are outside
try to get in while those who are inside try to get out.
VIOLINIST: Marriage is like a violin. After the beautiful music is
over, the strings are still attached.
WASHERWOMAN: Marriage is the most expensive way to get your laundry
free.
DOCTOR: Marriage should not be a doctor-patient relationship -
where one party practises defensive medicine for fear that the other would sue for
negligence or malpractice.
DRIVER: Love should flow like two-way traffic, but sometimes it
goes into a one-way street and ends up in a dead-end.
HDB STAFF: Marriage will cost couples $5000 more after July 1, 1997
268. WOMEN SPEAK IN ESTROGEN AND MEN LISTEN IN TESTOSTERONE
RELATIONSHIPS
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her
heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem
titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her
life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months
after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will
call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my
life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you. But I want
you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known
as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, and 99% of
all men have made one at least once. There are community colleges
that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these
classes rarely prove effective.
MATURITY
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females an
function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball
cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class.
This is why high school romances rarely work out.
HANDWRITING
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they
dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously
large oops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a
note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley
face at the end of the note.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving ream,
razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The
average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437.
A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
GOING OUT
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go
out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL
be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earrings, finishes
putting on her makeup...
CATS
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
looking, men kick cats.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows
about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and
best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes
and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people
living in the house.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants,
empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings, funerals.
SOCKS
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweat socks.
Women wear strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the ankles,
that have pictures of clouds, that have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
EATING OUT
and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each
throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of
them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit
they want change back. When the girls get their check, out
come the pocket calculators.
MIRRORS
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror.
Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections
in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows,
Joe Garagiola's head.
THE TELEPHONE
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone
to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her
girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call
the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
DIRECTIONS
If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar
surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions.
Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men wil never stop and
ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while
saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there."
and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11
store."
PLANTS
A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The
man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to
an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.
SPORT ARENAS
Simply put, men can always find their way around stadiums and arenas.
The women usually end up following men.
TIME
When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes,
she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football
games's just got five minutes left. Neither of them is counting
time outs, commercials, or replays.
CONVERSATION
Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g., "Wow, great
movie.", "What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that
size.",
"Well, maybe he got it because he knew about those Mafia guys", etc.
Women,not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by
saying something agreeable "That garden by the roadside looks lovely."
"Mmhmm." Pause. "That was a good restaurant last night, wasn't it?"
"Yeah." Pause. And so on.
RESTROOMS
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms
has social lounges. Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to
each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling
together like old friends.
269. 驗尿
一天一位老修女為健康要去驗尿，於是把尿液交給小修女拿去驗。
不料，小修女在半路上把尿液打翻了。正不知所措的時候，看見路邊
有一隻剛交配完的母狗在撒尿，就把那母狗的尿拿去充當化驗。
然後，小修女把化驗結果拿給老修女看，老修女看了就懊悔悲傷的
說：『人家說，天下的男人都不負責任，想不到連紅蘿蔔也不負責任。』
270. 大陸旅遊奇聞
這是我一位老師在大陸旅遊時碰到的真實情況.
話說這位教授到大陸旅遊.抵達西安時.在一家旅館中投宿.
只見旅館的櫃檯上貼了一張告示.上面寫著:
敬告諸位旅客::本旅館經理已通令全體服務生嚴禁毆打旅客.
後來.到了上海後.這位教授又投宿了另一家旅社.結果這一次
這位教授和櫃檯的服務小姐發生了以下的對話:
"先生.晚上好.請問您明天早上要幾點鐘叫床?"
"什麼!叫床?!你們這裡還有這種服務?"
""是呀!請問您叫床時是要大聲的叫還是小聲的叫?"
"....!!!!"此時.這位教授正在不知道拒絕還是接受的同時.
櫃臺小姐又加上一句:
"先生.如果您覺得我叫床的聲音不好聽的話.我們還有其他的
小姐可以位您叫床."
(在中國大陸."叫床"的意思是morning call.亦即"早上叫你起床")
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