Ikariku's Funny Library
!!!!! Notice !!!!!!
All the jokes i posted on the homepage is composed by someone else, not me..
I have no copyrights on those jokes.....
If u r the composer.... then sorry....
If u r just a reader... then enjoy....
281. tongue twister
Mr. See and Mr. Soar were old friends. See owned a saw and Soar
owned a seesaw. Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw before Soar saw
See, which made Soar sore. Had Soar seen See's saw before See saw
Soar's seesaw, then See's saw would not have sawed Soar's seesaw.
But See saw Soar and Soar's seesaw before Soar saw See's saw, so
See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw. It was a shame to let See see Soar so
sore just because See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.
282. 駱駝時鐘
有天，一輛旅遊巴士來到埃及的一個小鎮。車子在廣場上停好後，
下來一群觀光客，四處拍照、購物。
其中有個觀光客的手錶壞了，擔心錯過集合時間，正巧不遠處有個當
地人，牽著駱駝，坐在石階上。於是他就走過去問：「先生，請問一
下，現在是幾點？」
當地人抬起頭，伸手握住面前駱駝的陽具，輕輕舉起來，掂了掂，隨
即放下。
「三點整。先生。」
觀光客大驚，豈有這種事？他立刻跑回車上，一問，正是三點整。
觀光客不敢置信地把這件事告訴別人，就有人也跑去試。結果屢試不
爽，那人只需舉起駱駝的陽具，輕輕掂兩下，就能說出正確的時間。
全車子的人都跑過去看了。到後來，連司機也忍不住了，自己也跑過
去看。他走過去，問那當地人：「你是怎麼從駱駝陽具看出時間的？」
那人對他招招手，示意他過去，司機於是坐到他身旁。
「你瞧。」那人指著駱駝的陽具。「它擋住了，現在我把它舉高，你
從它底下看出去，那邊有面石牆，看到沒？牆上就有個掛鐘。」
283. Job-search
Job-search specialist Robert Half reports that the following bon mots
recently appeared on actual resumes:
"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them
know of my immediate availability."
"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost
money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."
"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have
never quit a job."
"Number of dependents: 40."
"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."
"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."
REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
"Responsibility makes me nervous."
"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning.
Couldn't work under those conditions."
"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as
cockroaches."
"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
"The company made me a scapegoat--just like my three previous
employers."
JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:
"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am
decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least
partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore
and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the
application of more rarefied facets of financial
management as the major sphere of responsibility."
"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."
SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:
"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer
does not know I am looking for another job."
"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in
meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
"I procrastinate--especially when the task is unpleasant."
PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:
"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."
PERSONAL INTERESTS:
"Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."
SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:
"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."
"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."
"I'm a rabid typist."
"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain
operation."
"Your requirements match the responsibilities of my present job
precisely, so I will be glad to do do again."
284. BOB LEVEY'S WASHINGTON POST
We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of
those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your
nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any
of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But
some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top
personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked
for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights:
1. Said he was so well-qualified [that] if he didn't get the job,
it would prove that the company's management was incompetent.
2. Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.
3. Brought her large dog to the interview.
4. Chewed bubble gum and constantly blew bubbles.
5. Candidate kept giggling through serious interview.
6. She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music
at the same time.
7. Balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a
few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.
8. Applicant challenged interviewer to arm wrestle.
9. Asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel
executive was qualified to judge the candidate.
10. Announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger
and french fries in the interviewer's office.
11. Without saying a word, candidate stood up and walked out during
the middle of the interview.
12. Man wore jogging suit to interview for position as financial
vice president.
13. Said if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by
having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
14. Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering
specific interview questions.
15. Wouldn't get out of the chair until I would hire him. I had to
call the police.
16. When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap
dancing around my office.
17. Had a little pinball game and challenged me to play with him.
18. Bounced up and down on my carpet and told me I must be highly
thought of by the company because I was given such a thick carpet.
19. Took a brush out of my purse, brushed his hair and left.
20. Pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me.
Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.
21. Candidate asked me if I would put on a suit jacket to insure
that the offer was formal.
22. Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much.
23. While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took
out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only,
stopping longest at the centerfold.
24. During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the
candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and
said he had to leave for another interview.
25. A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his
wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company?
When do I start? What's the salary?" I said, "I assume you're not
interested in conducting the interview any further." He promptly
responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more." I didn't hire him,
but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to
get a higher offer.
26. An applicant came in wearing only one shoe. She explained that
the other shoe was stolen off her foot in the bus.
27. His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents
spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and
perfume.
28. He came to the interview with a moped and left it in the
reception area. He didn't want it to get stolen, and stated that he
would require indoor parking for the moped.
29. He took off his right shoe and sock, removed a medicated foot
powder and dusted it on the foot and in the shoe. While he was
putting back the shoe and sock, he mentioned that he had to use the
powder four times a day, and this was the time.
30. Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the
unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.
31. He whistled when the interviewer was talking.
32. Asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my
desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and
wanted my phone number. I called security.
33. She threw-up on my desk, and immediately started asking
questions about the job, like nothing had happened.
34. Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said
that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I
began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to
call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a
switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new
desk.
35. Asked if I wanted some cocaine before starting the interview.
285. 新婚之夜
新婚之夜時，新郎望著新娘，有點羞怯地說：「這是我的第一次。」
新娘答道：「這也是我的第一次。」
新郎鬆了一口氣，說：「哦！那太好了！我們都是第一次。」
新娘說：「我是第一次－－和處男做。」
286. Celibate（守童貞）
從前有個教宗，他守童貞終身，是個很聖潔、很虔誠的人，深受信徒
愛戴，人人都稱讚他是個溫文、信仰堅定、又睿智的教宗。
有天，他過世了，靈魂飄上天堂。遠遠就看見聖彼得站在天堂門口迎
接他。
「歡迎！聖潔的人。」聖彼得開口了。「由於您的信仰堅定，您將可
以在天堂裡享福。您可以自由出入天國的每一個角落，大家都會熱烈
的歡迎你的到來。」
「讚美主！」教宗熱淚盈眶地說。
「這是你應得的。」聖彼得微笑說。「你還有其他心願嗎？我們很樂
意為您達成。」
教宗想了想，說：「我可以翻閱一下，當年上帝跟人類定的約定原文
嗎？我生前想這件事想很久了。」
「那很容易。」聖彼得就帶他到圖書館，裡頭藏有上帝跟人類定下的
契約原稿。
兩年後過去。有天，圖書館突然發出淒厲的尖叫聲。
天使與聖徒都趕過去了。他們發現，教宗站在書架前，指著契約原稿
中的一個字，反覆尖叫說：「那裡有個r！那裡有個r！你們看！
I 那個字是celeb r ate（慶祝），不是celib ate（守童貞）！」
287. COMPUTERS vs AUTO INDUSTRY
Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success.
He decided to measure the accomplishments of Microsoft against General
Motors.
The comparison went like this:
If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over
the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and
it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour (160,000km/hr).
Or you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds (14 kilos) and
gets a thousand miles to the gallon of gas. In either case the sticker of the
new car would be less than $50. In response to all this goading, GM responds:
"Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes 4 times a
day?"
288. REAL LIFE CYBER SEX
On-line computer users often engage in what is affectionately known
as "cyber sex." Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared
through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll
see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript
of an on-line chat doesn't seem to quite get the point of cyber sex.
Then again, maybe he does...
Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels.
I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements
are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have
on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I'm also
wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it
smells funny.
Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung: OK
Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the
stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up
into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and
begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.
Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides
off my warm skin.. I'm rubbing you bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips
a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.
Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.
Wellhung: I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra.
My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breathe harder and harder.
Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck.
Do you have any scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back
undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my
breast. My nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and
inspecting the clasp.
Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel
your tongue all over me.
Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know,
breasts. They're neat!
Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling
your ear.
Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and
phlegm.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm so sorry; Really.
Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains
of my blouse.
Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it
with a plop.
Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your
hard tool.
Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all
over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What's the matter?
Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?
Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?
Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling
through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your
cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.
Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the
cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm
lost. Where's the bedroom?
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you
so badly.
Wellhung: Me too.
Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked
bodies pressing each other.
Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?
Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the
glasses on the night table.
Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the
room and toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around
for the toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle,
but I can't find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What's the matter now?
Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry
again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling
my way.
Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in
your...you know...woman's thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss
your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't
stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
Wellhung: I'm flaccid.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look
on my face.
Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all
floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on
my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.
Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night
table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray,
picture frames and your candles.
Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God!
One of your candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm
pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!
Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!
Sweetheart:
289. 含情脈脈
期末考前夕，一位女學生走進年輕教授的辦公室。
她匆匆環視屋內後，轉身關上門，走到教授面前，突然跪下。
「老師，這次考試，呃，求求你，讓我及格。」她楚楚可憐地仰望著
，輕聲說：「我願意為您做任何事。」
教授默然不語。
女孩撥了撥頰邊的頭髮，接近教授的臉，凝視著他。
「我是說－－任何事。」女孩湊向他耳邊，嬌媚地說。
年輕教授凝視著她。「任何事？」
「任何事。」女孩含情脈脈地望著他。
「不管我說什麼？」
「是的。」
教授的聲音軟化了。「好吧－－」
教授突然湊向女孩的臉龐。女孩露出微笑。
「那麼，聽好，現在就回去好好唸書。」教授在她耳邊溫柔地說。
290. (.)(.)
A cub reporter for a small town newspaper was sent out on his first
assignment one day. He submitted the following report to his editor.
"Mrs. Smith was injured in a one-car accident today. She is
recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her breasts." The Editor
scolded the new reporter, saying. "This is a family paper. We don't
use words like breasts around here. Now go back and write something more
appropiate!" The young reporter thought long and hard.
Finally he handed the Editor the following report. "Mrs. Smith was
injured in a one-car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital
with lacerations on her (.)(.) "
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