Ikariku's Funny Library
!!!!! Notice !!!!!!
All the jokes i posted on the homepage is composed by someone else, not me..
I have no copyrights on those jokes.....
If u r the composer.... then sorry....
If u r just a reader... then enjoy....
301. ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES
A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not
here. So leave a message.
Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the
telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of
toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible
speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain.
The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
"Hi. Now you say something."
"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk
to it instead. Wait for the beep."
"Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?
(From my Japanese friend in Toronto) He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave
message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!
"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these
magnets."
"Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with
her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want
anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the
phone.'
"This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording
device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling,
anda number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."
"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me
a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."
"Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a
message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."
"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons
right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home
and it's safe to leave us a message."
"You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very
sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist
suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to
leave your name, number, and a message."
"You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns
are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is
done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally
thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this
initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will
contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our
service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak
clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you."
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent.
Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages.
My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are
clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their
picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will
get back to you."
302. ¤ë©Y => ¨{¥Ö ???
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