Ikariku's Funny Library
!!!!! Notice !!!!!!
All the jokes i posted on the homepage is composed by someone else, not me..
I have no copyrights on those jokes.....
If u r the composer.... then sorry....
If u r just a reader... then enjoy....
311. Which country produce a better army!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was once a test done on 3 Countries to show which army of these 3
countries are the best.
The 3 country are as follows.
1) Japan
2) Britain
3) Singapore
These 3 countries are told to select 1 soldier to go through a test of
running a 100 meters while at the same time being shot at with real
bullets. There are some covers around the 100 meters area and they are to
cunningly take cover and not being shot at while running to the finishing point.
Any soldier which finishes with the shortest time win the test.
So the 3 country decided to take a soldier from their most elite squad
and enter them in the test.
The first soldier is from Japan. He ran and take cover behind a tree
after about 10 meters. Then he decided to run and take cover behind another
tree about 10 meters away. Halfway while running to the next cover he was
shot. He knew that his life will end there. So before he died he shouted "FOR
MY EMPEROR, LONG LIVE MY EMPEROR!!!".
The second soldier is from Britain. Proudly and confidently he ran and
take cover behind a tree about 10 meters away from the starting point.
Then, he ran for cover to the second tree which is about 10 meters away from
where he presently is. He was good. Dodging almost all the bullets and taking
cover at the right time. "50 meters more and I'll win these test" he began
to say to himself. He ran to the next cover and Bang, he was shot at the
heart. But before he died he shouted, "Long live the Queen Of England!!!".
Then Singapore soldier came. He saw and he knew what to do. He had seen
all the mistakes done by the Japanese and Britain soldier and knew what to
do to win these test. Cunningly he took cover behind the tree 10 meters away
from the starting point. He did the same to the other covers remembering
and telling himself not to make the same stupid mistakes done by the
Japanese and Britain soldier. He dodge, take cover, rolls, jump and it looks
almost impossible for the bullet to get him. Now, all of the sudden, he
realized that he had covered almost 80 meters from the starting point. 20
meters away and he'll prove to them that Singapore army is the best. He ran,
jump, dodge and realized that 5 meters away he'll be home free. He decided
to run to the finishing point when all of the sudden Bang, he was also shot in
the heart. He knew that he was going to die. But before he died he shouted
"Kani nabu chao chee B** !!!"
312. xxxxx......
我從小就立志當交通部長,台灣交通實在很亂,尤其是我
操作大貨車的叔叔,特別有感受,他總是罵交通部的高幹,
你也有這種感覺嗎?家人總會擔心意外,害怕會失去了你,
娘總會不斷叮嚀我騎車出門要小心,我不希望辜負了娘
陰天開車時也要注意安全,有一個農夫開車,車上載土雞,
道路上都是泥濘,他不小心撞到了樹,撞斷了牙齒和下巴,
十根手指斷了五根,全車土雞都跑光了,他的臉還縫了十
八針,真是賠了夫人又折兵,我有一個表弟,走路有點外八,
代表我們國家參加賽車大賽,他很努力,只可惜沒得名次.
操作車子的確很不容易,要小心別撞到人行道上的樹幹,
到了傍晚別忘了打近光燈,提醒附近的車輛千萬別撞到,
爛爛的車子也要早點進廠維修,尤其最嚴重的是輪胎破
掉,非常危險,我很乖,我立志當交通部長,盼大家別忘掉.
(吃交通部飯的人請念左邊第一行,吃監理所飯的請念右邊第一行)
313. 土匪
話說a君是某補習班的一位任課老師。
有一天，到了情人節，想買束花送老婆。
a君找到了一位在馬路邊賣花的歐巴桑，
問她說:「請問這花怎麼賣呢?」
歐巴桑回答:「玫瑰一朵200啦!」
a君:「咱都是同行嘛，算便宜一點嘛!!」
歐巴桑很驚訝答到:「年輕人，你也賣花啊!!」
他回答說:「沒有啦，我是土匪!!」
歐巴桑楞在一邊.......
314. Things to remember...
1. People should be like tea or coffee, their real strength appearing when
they get in hot water.
2. The chief ability of an executive should be his ability to recognize
ability.
3. Control yourself: remember that anger is only one letter short of danger.
4. Minds are like parachutes, they function best when open.
5. The quickest way to do many things is to do only one thing at a time.
6. We should be patient with our inferiors, they are ourselves of yesterday.
7. If your mind stands still it is bound to go backwards.
8. The turtle never makes any progress until he sticks his neck out.
9. You can accomplish by kindness what you cannot do by force.
10. Remember this on your way up : the biggest dog was once a pup.
11. One man who works with you is worth a dozen men who work for you.
12. A live wire is never dead, especially if he has connections.
13. Pay attention to your enemies, for they are the first to discover your
mistakes.
14. Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.
315. Toddlers' Property Laws
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks like mine, it is mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.
AND dare you dispute them. I tell my mother.
316. TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ......
i. FRENCH :
1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay
2. Yet to experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time
3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs
4. If there's a war you can surrender really early
5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 10.
6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries
7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star
8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride
9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just shit in the street
10. People think you're a great lover even when you're not
ii. AMERICAN :
1. You can have a woman president without electing her
2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it
3. You can call Budweiser beer
4. You can be a crook and still be president
5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything
6. If you can breathe you can get a gun
7. You can invent a new public holiday every year
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.
9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy"
10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth.
11. When you're not.
12. At all.
iii. ENGLISH :
1. Two World Wars and One World Cup, doo-dah doo-dah
2. Warm beer
3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket
4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events
5. Union jack underpants
6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer
7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
8. Bathing once a week-whether you need to or not
9. Ditto changing underwear
10. Beats being Welsh.
11. Or Scottish
iv. ITALIAN :
1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes
2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.
3. No need to worry about tax returns
4. Glorious military history... well, till about 400 a.d.
5. Can wear sunglasses inside
6. Political stability
7. Flexible working hours
8. Live near the Pope
9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair
10. Country run by Sicilian murderers
v. SPANISH :
1. Glorious history of killing South American tribes
2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees
3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits etc
4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans
5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing
6. Honesty
7. Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls
8. You get to eat bulls' testicles
9. Gibraltar
10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War.
vi. INDIAN :
1. Chicken Madras
2. Lamb Passanda
3. Onion Bhaji
4. Bombay Potato
5. Chicken Tikka Masala
6. Rogan Josh
7. Popadoms
8. Chicken Dopiaza
9. Meat Boona
10. Kingfisher lager
vii. IRISH :
1. Guinness
2. 18 children because you can't use contraceptives
3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road
4. Pubs never close
5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in the second Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade
your girlfriend that you can't have sex with a condom on.
6. No one can ever remember the night before
7. Kill people you don't agree with
8. Stew
9. More Guinness
10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence.
viii. CANADIAN :
1. It beats being an American.
2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
3. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise.
7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in their skins
9. Own-an-eskimo scheme.
10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground
ix. AUSTRALIAN:
1. Know your great-grand-dad was a murdering bastard that no civilized nation on earth wanted.
2. Fosters Lager
3. Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years because you think it belongs to you.
4. Annihilate England every time you play them at cricket.
5. Tact and sensitivity.
6. Bondai Beach.
7. Other beaches.
8. Liberated attitude to homosexuals
9. Drinking cold lager on the beach
10. Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach.
317. REAL STORIES OF THE NON-TECHNICALLY INCLINED
A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom, but each
time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his
predicament, suggested he use the attendants' ladies room, but
cautioned him not to press any of the buttons.
There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked respectively:
WW WA PP ATR
Making the mistake so many men make of not listening to a woman, he
disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him.
He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gently flush of
Warm Water sprayed his bare bottom.
He thought, "Wow", these gals really have it nice." So, a little
more boldly he pressed the WA button. Body temperature Warm Air blew
across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably.
"Aha", he thought, "No wonder these women take so long in the
bathroom with this kind of service!" So he pushed the next button, PP, with
anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and
dusted his bottom lightly with talc.
"Man, this is great," he thought as he reached out for the ATR
button..............................
When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off, so
in confusion, he buzzed the nurse to find out where he was and what had
happened. He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain
in the ladies room on the plane. The nurse explained, "Yes, you must
have been having the time of your life until you pushed the
"Automatic Tampon Removal" button. By the way, your penis is under your pillow."
318. Which condom would you use....
Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten millon strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but Ph balanced for a woman.
Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey-- you never know.
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
EverReady Condoms: Keeps going and going.
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
Cambells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.
The Carl's Jr. Condom: If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face...
General Electric: We bring good things to life!
AT&T condom: "Reach out and touch someone."
Bounty: The quicker picker upper.
Microsoft: where do you want to go today ?
Energizer: It keeps going and going and going....
M&M condom: "It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!"
Chevron: use them? people do.
Taco Bell: get some; make a run for the border
MCI: for friends and family
Double Mint: Double your pleasure, double your fun!
The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter
Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta's ready when you are
United Airlines travel pack: Fly United
The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before
319. Uncle Bob's Wise Words
* Cross the river, then insult the crocodiles.
* As easy as 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716
* You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
* In case of emergency, break glass. Scream. Bleed to death.
* Some minds should be cultivated, others plowed under.
* The Rings of Saturn are made entirely of lost airline luggage.
* What you're telling me is a matter of major insignificance.
* Ulcers are something you get from mountain climbing over molehills.
* It is not speeding if there are still cars in front of you.
* You are not abusing drugs if you store them in a cool, dry place and never yell at them.
* It isn't vote fraud unless you can prove those dead guys would have voted the other way.
* I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate.
And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
* A penny saved is just another darn thing for the cat to knock off of the dresser.
* I know a fellow who makes only mental bets. The other day he lost his mind.
* Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with something bigger and heavier.
* Door: What a cat is perpetually on the wrong side of.
* Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
* There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
* If you believe in telekinesis, please raise my hand.
* "I'm not an actor, but I play one on TV..."
* Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few
weeks of captivity, they can train humans to stand at the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
* An optimist is a fellow who grabs a fishing pole when he discovers his basement is flooded.
* I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
* Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
* Workers of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your chairs.
*One day my boss asked me to submit a status report concerning a project
I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough and he replied, "If I wanted
it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"
320. Fun things to do if you're bored.
* Wash a tree.
* Scare Stephen King.
* Boil ice cream.
* Rearrange political campaign signs.
* Clean and polish your belly button.
* Paint your home...day-glo orange.
* Knight yourself and some close friends.
* Be in the wrong place at the right time.
* Recite romantic poetry...to your toaster.
* Take your sofa for a walk.
* Learn to type 75 WPM...with your toes.
* Pay off the national debt...with a bad check.
* See if you really can build a small nuclear device in your basement.
* Write letters to all the political officials that are representing you, and tell them what a good job
they are doing...on April 1st.
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