Ikariku's Funny Library
!!!!! Notice !!!!!!
All the jokes i posted on the homepage is composed by someone else, not me..
I have no copyrights on those jokes.....
If u r the composer.... then sorry....
If u r just a reader... then enjoy....
341. 貓
老婦閒來無事,擦拭在格樓裡找到的塵封油燈,她心愛的貓在她身旁安靜的躺著.
擦拭間,一個妖怪從燈裡跳了出來,說會達成她三個願望.老婦想也不想就說:我
要有錢,要恢復青春美麗,要把我的貓變成一個英俊王子.
一團煙霧過後,她發現自己變得年輕貌美,周圍盡是財寶.貓不見了!一個英俊的王子
站在她的身邊,摟著她.她陶醉在王子的懷抱之中,覺的整個人都融化掉了.
王子在她的耳邊柔聲細語:妳閹了我,現在後悔嗎?
342. Cheating..
A hippie gets onto a bus and proceeds to sit next to a Nun in the
front seat. The Hippie looks over and asks the Nun if she would have sex
with him. The Nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off
at the next stop. When the bus starts on it's way the bus driver says to
the hippie, "if you want I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with
you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know so the bus driver
tells him that the every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the
cemetary to pray to the lord.
"If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," he said "you
could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
Well the Hippie decides to try this out so that Tuesday he goes to the
cemetary and waits for the nun. And right on schedule the nun shows
up. When she's in the middle of praying the hippie walks out from hiding,
in robes and glowing with a mask of god.
"I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you
must have sex with me first."
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity.
The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about to go to work on the nun.
After the Hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out,
"Ha ha, I'm the hippie!!"
The nun replied by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
343. Stupid.
An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman are in a bar discussing
how stupid their wives are....
The Englishman man say: 'You know my wife must be the most stupid woman on this planet.
There was a sale down at the supermarket last week, she bought $300 worth of meat, and we
don't even have a freezer.....'
The Scotsman says: 'That's nothing, my wife went out last week and bought a brand new
car for $8000, and she can't even drive......'
The Irishman says:'You think that's stupid, i went home last week and my wife told me
that she'd booked her self a two week holiday in Tenerife. I watched
her packing her case she took nearly 400 condoms with her, and she
doesn't even have a penis....
344. Apple & Intel
One fine summer day a man was walking along a highway. It was a super
highway and along the way he saw a most intriguing visual display. They
started communicating and seemed to be interfacing well.
"Hi there, My name is Intel, Intel Pentium.. What's yours", The shy
young man asked.
"Oh I'm Blossom, Blossom Machintosh but my friends just call me Apple",
She replied with a smile.
"Oh? You are scottish?", He asked
"Well my mother is but my father was from the isle of Motorolla"
"What does your father do?"
"He is a weight lifter, you might have heard of him? Power Machintosh?"
"Mmmm... cannot say that I have.... but then again my family doesn't
usually pay much attention to anyone that isn't a Pentium. Though I do
thing we have some french relatives. The Feurate Seux family."
Well Intel found himself scanning the nice software that Apple was
hiding behind a sleak casing. His screen started to go red as he found
that his floppy disk was starting to turn into a hard drive. She noticed
that his hard drive light was flashing and felt a quiver of pleasure
shoot through her motherboard.
"I have to be honest Apple... I do find you incredibly attractive. Your
buttons are so smooth and your operating system is so user-friendly that
I am finding it hard to keep my hands off your peripherals"
"That's ok Intel. Though I think you are a little bit dated, everyone
seems to have heard of you and for some reason they all want to keep
using you so I think I will give you a try"
"Really? Do you think we will be compatible?"
"Of course silly... I have extensions that allow me to format that
floppy disk of yours."
"Well then... should we go back to my mouse pad and see if we can plug'n
play?"
"Mmmm.. I would like that Intel, but you have to promise to use virus
protection. The last thing I need right now is a system error in my
motherboard and have to have a chip removed by the repairman in 9
months"
"Don't worry Apple, I am very careful... all of the software that I use
has been tested for safety"
And with that the two of them made their way back to his mouse pad and
made their way into the bedroom. They started to get comfortable and
slipped out of their disk cases. Intel admired Apple's nice graphics
card, especially as it was covered in all that interlace and found her
very desirable. Her power light started to wink at him and felt his
casing getting warm (something that always happens with the Pentium
family when they are turned on for too long). She knew that he was
feeling horny as she could hear his fan working overtime. They started
to interface again and he tried to slide his hands into her parallel
port.
"Intel??? Don't be in such a rush, I know you are a 166MHz kinda guy but
I like to take my time. I may only be 33MHz but I think with more than
just my CPU. I like to use all my chips"
"I'm sorry Apple. For years I have wanted to be with someone like you,
and now that I am close to you my CPU is starting to use the
floating-point unit and I am feeling giddy"
Seeing that his system was starting to become busy (Something else that
the Pentium's always suffer from) she decided that it was time to let
him mount his device in her drive bay. Gently she removed the bay
covering and watched as his disk lengthened from a 3.5" into a nice, firm 5.25". He
wasn't really big, not like the arousing 8" Zip drive that she had been
with the week before but at least she knew how to interface with him
easily.
"Oh Apple, you are so desirable I just want to take a byte out of
you!!!!"
"Now, now Intel, you know how much I want to have 'An Intel Inside' of
me"
"Mmmm... I would love for you to be Pentium Powered"
Gently Intel loaded his disk into Apple's waiting MS-O(ro)ffice and
began to convert his files into her format. He could hear her adjusting
the volume of her speakers as her wave files started to play. Feeling
her moving beneath him he couldn't help but switch on his disk caching and
found that he could get more throughput that way. Unable to control his
passions any longer, Intel suddenly froze (Guess what? Yep, another
Pentium trait) and found himself releasing a new version of his product into her
com port.
"Oh My God Intel!!!! What have you done????"
Intel had been so hot that he had crashed and there had been a General
Protection Violation. He withdrew his Operating System as fast as he
could and tried desperately to recover from his crash but as usual his
family had never been good at recovering from those sort of things.
Apple quickly made an appointment to see Dr Norton and before long he
was running diagnostics on her to see if her anything new had been
installed in her system.
"Well doctor? Is there going to be a little Pentium Mac?"
"No... fortunately the product that Mr Pentium released was only the
beta version... and as you know... no beta versions EVER work. You are
very lucky."
Apple sighed in relief and turned to face Intel. She gave him a stern
look and put her hands on her hips.
"You are cheap you know that? I bet everyone has had their hands on you.
I bet you go around with all of your fancy graphics cards and video
cards and brag to everyone about what you can do. I just want you to
know that you may be in everyone's house and everyone uses you but you
will never be appreciated like I am"
And with that she punched him in the monitor and walked out.
345. BMW & Honda
One day there was an American going in a BMW Car at 50 KMPH on a
super-highway and enjoying his drive.
Suddenly a Japanese came Booiiiiiiiiinnnnnnn... on a Honda Bike and
peeped into the car and shouted at the American - 'Have you ever used
a Honda?' and sped off. The American was surprised but he did not
bother.
After some time the Japanese came Booiiiinnnnnnnnnnn... in the
opposite direction, peeped into the car and shouted again 'Have you
ever used a Honda?' and sped off. This time the American was annoyed,
since the Japanese was teasing him about his driving.
After some time the Japanese came back again at a very high speed and
said the same thing, peeping into the car . The American was about to
say something but the Japanese sped off. This time the American
increased his speed but suddenly stopped as he found the Japanese
lying on the road, bleeding.
He got down and mocked at the Japanese 'What's this, buddy? Have you
ever used a Honda?' The Japanese said 'That's what I was asking you. I
was searching for the brakes, you see.'
346. Smith's Universal Truths
A universal truth is something that's true at all times for all people.
Here are a few.
1. Beware of any project that starts with the words, "Remove old finish.
2. True happiness is finding someone who will put up with you. The
first step in finding that person is admitting that you need some
putting up with.
3. If you wonder why something is the way it is, find out who's making
money from it being that way.
4. If it ain't chocolate, it ain't dessert. Banana cream pie, for
example, is just another part of the meal like the green beans or
asparagus.
5. Whenever someone tells you they are doing something "for your own
good," you can be certain that you won't like it. Furthermore, they
will expect you to pay for it. If they're "protecting your morals,"
you'll have to pay double.
6. Not all lawyers should be shot. Some should be hanged.
7. Nothing is so perfect that someone, somewhere, won't hate it.
8. Real knowledge is knowing where to find the answers.
9. The world is run by the people that show up.
10. Information is not knowledge anymore than loose ingredients are a cake.
11. Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.
12. Intellectualism must not be confused with wisdom.
13. The problem with doing something right the first time is that no one knows how difficult it was.
14. The difference between adventure and disaster is preparation.
15. Few things in life succeed as well as a power-on reset.
16. The most popular human pastime is denial.
17. Forgiveness is easier to obtain than permission.
18. Any solution proposed by a politician will create more problems than it solves.
19. Don't worry, you're not the first.
20. You can have it if you're willing to pay for it.
21. Man's most precious possessions are his delusions. Sufficiently
threatened, he will surrender his possessions or his family but he'll
kill to maintain his delusions.
347. Top 5 reasons why computer is a female
. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for
future references.
. The native language used to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
. The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as "
If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.
348. Top 5 reasons why computer is a male
. They're heavily dependent on external tools and equipment.
. They periodically cut you off right when you think you've established
a network connection.
. They'll usually do what you ask them to do, but they won't do more
than they have to and they won't think of it on their own.
. They're typically obsolete within five years and need to be traded in
for a new model. Some users, however, feel they've already invested so much in the damn
machine that they're compelled to remain with an under powered system.
. They get hot when you turn them on, and that's the only time you have
their attention.
349. Proof Bill Gates is the Anti-Christ
The real name of "the" Bill Gates is William Henry Gates III.
Nowadays he is known as Bill Gates (III)
By converting the letters of his current name to the
ASCII-values and adding his (III), you get the following:
B-------------66
I--------------73
L-------------76
L-------------76
G-------------71
A-------------65
T-------------84
E-------------69
S-------------83
I---------------1
I---------------1
I---------------1
-----------------
======> 666 !!!
Some might ask, "How did Bill Gates get so powerful?"
Coincidence? Or just the beginning of mankind's
ultimate and total enslavement???
Before you decide, consider the following:
M S - D O S 6 . 2 1
Convert to ascii code,
77+83+45+68+79+83+32+54+46+50+49 = 666
W I N D O W S 9 5
convert to ascii code,
87+73+78+68+79+87+83+57+53+1 = 666
350. Gooney Bird
After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato,
became completely inattentive to his wife, and sat guzzling beer and
watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she
did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with
some bored comment.
This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom.
Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird
with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble
running down the side of its mouth.
The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was
a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To
demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!" Immediately, the
Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the
table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful
forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said,
"Goony bird! The shelf!" Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and
demolished it in seconds.
"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention,
nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home. When she
entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa
guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got
a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"
The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my ass!"
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