Ikariku's Funny Library
!!!!! Notice !!!!!!
All the jokes i posted on the homepage is composed by someone else, not me..
I have no copyrights on those jokes.....
If u r the composer.... then sorry....
If u r just a reader... then enjoy....
31. He and She
I'm sure you can imagine,
It's simple as can be,
The place is very quiet,
The game is he and she.
She whispered, "Will it hurt?"
"Of course, a little bit."
"It's just a simple process,
Lay down and open it."
She said, "I'm rather frightened."
"I've done this before."
He started to continue,
But she interupted "It's hurting more and more."
"It's getting pretty painful,"
As the tears came to her eyes,
It was hurting something awful.
It must have been quite a size.
"Calm yourself, my darling."
So she closed her dark blue eyes.
Then he said "Open slightly
So I can get inside."
Suddenly with a jump and a jerk
He gave a great big shout.
"Calm down, it's all over now."
Thank God he pulled it out.
This man is a dentist,
That soon you would find.
It's not what you were thinking,
It's just your dirty mind!
Author: Doc
32. 一個心願
某日，甲女與乙女同在海邊散步．
甲女看到沙灘上放著一盞油燈，便告訴乙女說：”咦？那兒有個油燈咧！”
乙女看見後便去把它撿起來，說：”好髒的油燈啊！”說畢便用手去擦一擦．
只見”嘩！”的一聲，出現了神燈巨人．
神燈巨人向乙女說：”我可以完成妳一個心願！”
”等一等！”甲女大喊：”是我提議要來海邊散步的，也是我看到這個油燈的，
更是我告訴乙女後她才會去把你撿起來的．怎麼說我的功勞都比她多三倍．所
以不管她許什麼願，我要得到三倍的回報！”
神燈巨人覺得有理，說：”好吧！”便問乙女的願望是什麼．
結果甲女聽到乙女的心願後當場昏了過去．
因為乙女大聲的說：”請給我一副36,24,36的身材！”
33. 某日.......小李 !!!!
某日小李看到老彭的家裡來了一群警察,
便問在社區中最愛廣播的三姑發生了
什麼事......
小李: 那個老彭家中是發生了什麼事嗎 ?
三姑: 你不知道啊!!昨天老彭回家的時候發現了他老婆和別的男人睡在一起,
一氣之下就拿刀把他老婆和那個男的給殺了。
小李: 是喔!!還好是昨天......
三姑: 為什麼呢﹖
小李: 如果是三天前的話, 那個被殺的可能是我了。
三姑: ..............
34. Top 10 reasons why suicide is better than sex
10. You can still commit suicide when you're drunk off your ass.
9. You don't have to worry about 'safe suicide.'
8. Nobody wakes you up to ask for more.
7. No limit to the number of techniques.
6. Nobody ever asks for a long-term suicide commitment.
5. Who cares if you get a disease?
4. Doing it by yourself is just as good!
3. Easier than finding a date on a Saturday night.
2. Nobody ever complains about 'bad suicide.'
1. YOU don't have to clean up the mess!
35. HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SYSTEM
M A T E R I A L S A F E T Y D A T A S H E E T
WOMEN: A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS
ELEMENT: WOMAN
SYMBOL: WO
DISCOVERER: ADAM
ATOMIC MASS: ACCEPTED AS 118 lbs., known to vary from 98 to 550 lbs.
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Surface usually covered with a painted film.
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states ranging from virgin to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure applied to correct points.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Has a great affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning, and for no known reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased by saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man.
COMMON USES:
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
TESTS:
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.
HAZARDS:
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one.
-------------------------------------------------
Element : MAN
Symbol : XY
Common Name(s) : Varies anywhere from John to !@#$&*!
Atomic Weight : 180+/-100
Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature but easily gets bent
out of shape. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a
pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct
electricity as easily as young, fresh samples.
Chemical Properties: Attempt to bond with Wo any chance it can get.
Also, tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive
when mixed with Kd (element Kid) for a prolonged period of time.
Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None really, except methane production. Good samples are able
to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of Wo, this element rapidly decomposes and
begins to smell.
36. Why...... better than a woman
1. You can enjoy a beer all month.
2. Beer stains wash out.
3. You don't have to wine and dine a beer.
4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car.
5. When beer goes flat you toss it out.
6. Beer is never late.
7. HANGOVERS go away.
8. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
11. Beer never has a headache.
12. After you have a beer, the bottle is still worth a dime.
13. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.
14. If you pour a beer right, you will always get good head.
15. You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty.
16. A beer ALWAYS goes down easy.
17. You can share a beer with your friends.
18. You always know that you are the first one to pop a beer.
19. A beer is always wet.
20. Beer doesn't demand equality.
21. A beer doesn't care when you come.
22. You can have a beer in public.
23. A frigid beer is a good beer.
24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
25. Beer always comes in multiples of six.
26. Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left.
27. You can't catch anything but a "buzz" from a beer.
28. Beer doesn't mind if you dump the bottle.
29. A beer never costs you more than five dollars and never leaves
you thirsty.
30. When your beer is gone, you just pop another.
31. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod.
32. Beer looks the same in the morning.
33. Beer doesn't look you up in a month.
34. Beer doesn't worry about someone walking in.
35. Beer doesn't worry about waking the kids.
36. Beer doesn't get cramps.
37. Beer doesn't have a mother.
38. Beer doesn't have morals.
39. Beer doesn't go crazy once a month.
40. Beer always listens and never argues.
41. Beer labels don't go out of style every year.
42. Beer doesn't whine, it bubbles.
43. Beer doesn't have cold hands/feet.
44. Beer doesn't demand legality.
45. Beer is never overweight.
46. If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.
47. Beer won't run off with your credit cards.
48. Beer doesn't have a lawyer.
49. Beer doesn't need much closet space.
50. Beer can't give your herpes or other nasty things.
51. Beer doesn't complain about the way you drive.
52. Beer doesn't mind if you fart or belch.
53. Beer never changes its mind.
54. Beer doesn't tease you or play hard to get.
55. Beer never asks you to change the station.
56. Beer doesn't make you go shopping.
57. Beer doesn't tell you to mow the grass.
58. Beer doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks.
59. Beer is always easy to pick up.
60. Big, fat beers are nice to have.
37. Why Coffee is Better Than A Woman
1. You don't have to put cream in your coffee to make it taste good.
2. Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream in it.
3. A cup of coffee looks good in the morning.
4. You won't fall asleep after a cup of coffee.
5. You can always warm coffee up.
6. Coffee comes with endless refills.
7. Coffee is cheaper.
8. You won't get arrested for ordering coffee at 3 AM.
9. Coffee never runs out.
10. Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.
11. You can take black coffee home to meet your parents.
12. You can make coffee as sweet as you want.
13. You can smoke while drinking coffee.
14. You can put out a cigarette in a cup of coffee.
15. Coffee smells and tastes good.
16. You don't have to put vinegar in your coffee.
17. If your coffee pot leaks, you can use a regular paper towel.
18. You can always get fresh coffee.
19. You can turn the pot on, leave the room, and it'll be hot when
you get back.
20. They sell coffee at police stations.
21. You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.
22. Coffee goes down easier.
23. If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn't put on weight.
24. No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.
25. A big cup or small cup? It doesn't matter.
26. Your coffee doesn't talk to you.
27. Coffee smells good in the morning.
28. Coffee is good when it's cold too.
29. Coffee stains are easier to remove.
30. Coffee doesn't care when you dunk things in it.
31. Coffee doesn't care what kind of mood you're in.
32. Coffee doesn't shed.
33. Coffee is ready in 15 minutes or less.
34. You can't get a cup of coffee pregnant by putting cream in it.
35. Coffee doesn't mind being ground.
36. No matter how bad coffee is, you can always make it better.
37. Coffee doesn't have a time of the month...it's good all the time.
38. When coffee gets old, you can throw it away.
39. When you have a coffee, you don't end up with a pube in the back of
your throat.
40. Coffee doesn't take up half your bed.
41. Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3 AM
and decide to have a cup.
42. INSTANT COFFEE!
43. You can have an intelligent conversation with coffee.
44. It can take up to 2 weeks for coffee to grow mold.
45. Your coffee won't be jealous of a larger cup.
38. 抖腳.....觸電
有兩個時髦的年青人在逛街....
其中的ㄚ毛買了新鞋....騷包的穿的走....
ㄚ...他就覺得有小石子在鞋底!
SO....他就一手扶著電線桿,一邊抖腳....
抖著抖著....突然....有一個男的衝出來.....
二話不說的....用棍子狠準地打斷毛的手.....
一切來的太快....一旁的阿狗不知所措!
毛就含著淚水強忍著痛問到....為什麼打我!
那男的就很彆扭地說..."我以為你觸電了!"
39. 請假...
男職員向女主管請假......
男職員：「經理，我想請假去向我女友求婚。」
女主管：「（鄙視）難道你沒有聽過婚姻是愛情的墳墓？」
男職員想了一想....。
男職員：「那我把事假改成喪假。」
40. 費用
帥哥和酷妹坐在沙發，家人都出國旅行了，時機正好...眼看著就要
天雷勾動地火，一發不可收拾....。
帥哥：「我可以吻妳嗎？」
酷妹：「那你要付遮羞費。」
帥哥：「...那換妳吻我好了。」
酷妹：「請付使用費。」
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