Ikariku's Funny Library
!!!!! Notice !!!!!!
All the jokes i posted on the homepage is composed by someone else, not me..
I have no copyrights on those jokes.....
If u r the composer.... then sorry....
If u r just a reader... then enjoy....
51. 30秒.......十個月
某天,一位女老師在辦公室約談一位她的問題學生
當談話進行到 雙方局勢緊張 快要一發不可收拾之際...
這個問題學生突然冒出一句:你給我30秒,我給你十個月!!
此位女老師當此愕然失色..雙眼發直...(心想,她的學生怎
能如此大逆不道 侮辱師長 ...)
旁邊,有位老師 "聽"不下去,當場回那學生說: 你也太遜了..
要用到30秒!!
~~~~~ 這就是我們的教育~~~~~.........................
52. 一隻手.....兩隻手.....兩隻手和舌頭
有一天,小美看見男友阿才悶悶不樂.
就問他說:阿才你為什麼不快樂呢?我讓你快樂好嗎?
阿才說:妳有什麼方法??
小美說:我用一隻手讓你快樂好嗎?
阿才不說話.
小美又說:那我用兩隻手讓你快樂好嗎?
阿才有點暗爽,但仍搖頭
小美最後說:那我用兩隻手和舌頭讓你快樂好嗎?
阿才高興的說:好啊!快點!快點!
.................................
小美就兩手張開吐出舌頭做了一個鬼臉
53. ....發洩....
從前，有一個小修女，從小就在修女院接受老修女的教誨。
老修女是個道行很高的修女，因此，小修女一有什麼疑難問
題，老修女都能給小修女很滿意的回答。
日子一天天的過去，小修女已經長成一位婷婷玉立的少女。
但是，卻也使她對性有所幻想，於是修女就去請教老修女，
希望老修女能幫她解答。於是老修女就拿了一把手槍給她並
教導這個修女說：
以後，如果妳對性有所需求，就拿這把手槍到後山去，
對空中發射 這樣就能發洩
日子又一天天的過去，修女只要有需求，就到後山去射幾槍。
可是，漸漸的修女發現，以前只要射一槍就足夠，但是現在六
發都射完了，卻仍得不到滿足，於是她又想去請教老修女，
哪知到一轉頭，猛然發現，
老修女正拿著一把50機槍，對著天空狂射 !!!!!!!!!!
54. 壽桃
有一天，小樹的把拔帶小樹去參加親戚的壽宴
到了快結束時，服務生端了壽桃進來
小樹看到了壽桃便說：把拔你看！好像屁股喔！
親戚朋友聽了都覺得，這個把拔是怎麼教小孩的，講話這麼沒有禮貌
想看看他會怎麼教訓這個小孩子
結果那個把拔不慌不忙的把壽桃拿起來，把它剝開
對著小樹說：你看！裡面還有大便喔！
55. Memo...
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity
from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well
trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone
else.
If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job,
please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of
the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing
that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL
EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to
take D.E.E.P S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE
TRAINING (E.A.T S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before
they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are
all full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training
others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST
(B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get
the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF
INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.).
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF
TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).
Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)
56. experience of mailing list....
Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take
to change a light bulb?
A: 1,331:
1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light
bulb has been changed;
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the
light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light
bulbs.
53 to flame the spell checkers
156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light
bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.
41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take
this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb.
203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and
alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.
111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light
bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list.
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where
to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for
this technique, and what brands are faulty.
27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post
corrected URLs.
3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to
this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.
33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all
headers and footers, and then add "Me Too."
12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot
handle the light bulb controversey.
19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three."
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.
47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for,
leave it here.
143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.
57. pay by inch...
Three friends decided to visit a prostitute.
It was a slow night, So she gave the guys a deal.
"You can pay by the inch".
The first man leaves with hooker, and comes back out.
"How much did she charge you?" asked the other two.
$75. dollars said the first.
The second guy goes in and returns with a fee of $85.
The first two were proud of their prowess.
The third man goes in and returns,
"How much did she charge you?"ask the first two.
$20 dollars replies the third..
The first two start laughing hystarically.
"Hey guys," replied the third,
"I'm not so stupid, I paid on the way out instead of on the way in!!!!!!!
58. Kids.....
Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any
direction.
A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to
go.
Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't why you
should.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know
they're there.
Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places, which is why they look like
umbrellas.
A monsoon is a French gentleman.
The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top
and plural at the bottom.
To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.
Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun, but I have
never been able to make out the numbers.
In some rocks, you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.
A census taker is a man who goes from house to house increasing the
population.
A city purifies its water by filtering it and then forcing it through an
aviator.
59. 醜女....處女...喔!!!
一個醜女孩暑假回到家裡,對老媽說,他已經不是處女了,怎麼會這樣
--老媽說,[好吃力喔],女兒回答,[我請了三個女同學把他按在我身上,
這才大功告成.....
60. 肉
這一陣子跟一個女網友在傳訊息.....
是學姐...
跟她傳著傳著!!她跟我說她很瘦!
聊著聊著就聊到身材...
她突然跟我說一句話...
好想摸摸女生的胸部.....
我嚇一跳...你不是女生嗎>>>為啥會說這樣的話.....
難到是漏出尾巴了...讓我發現你不是女生了....想說要好好的罵他一頓
經過後來她的解釋我才了解!!
原來因為太瘦了....所以有一些肉長不出來
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