March 25th, 2003

Well, it has been a super long week...unbelievably long. I dont know why, i haven't been sleeping at all...i have issues! BIG issues! it all started last week i guess...yah, i kinda discovered that i have fallen for my ex again. It isn't helping that my mom and friends r in love with him either. He broke my heart so bad, and it was my fault. I had a problem this summer with getting close to him and he had enuf with me and just couldn't take it anymore and i wish that i hadn't done that cuz he was the best boyfriend a girl could ask for! We used to be like REALLY good friends, and then we dated and then we broke up and then we fought and now we're getting to be close again and its so dumb becuz i cant help but just think of him! And i know that it will never go anywhere and i even think that he gets annoyed by me but i dont know! AH and then on friday this guy that i used to like came to the dance i was at and he said he liked me then got really drunk/stoned and asked out my friend Vanessa but yet claimed that he was so drunk he honestly thought it was me. LINE OR WHAT? and its like all i am is depressed now? I mean all I always said was "as long as i have my best friends i'm fine" but everytime i'm with them and i try and be happy i end up thinking of other things...i can't handle this stupid stuff anymore i wanna be a little girl anymore, where a boyfriend was just the guy u decided u liked and that the little crushes were harmless. I wanna be a little girl becuz skinned knees are easier to heal then broken hearts! Sometimes i just wonder, why i cant be like my friends and just date a guy and move on when they break up like nothing happened, why i get so attached to feelings. I think its cuz of my whole dad situation, all i want is someone to love me and when they finally do i'm gone as fast as i can in fear that maybe they too will walk out on me! lol u probably think i'm some girl with problems, but this is what i think! Someday it'll all work out, until then i guess i have a lot of time to think! and how emberrassed would i be if my ex read this ....meh i guess he'll finaly know! till next time *kisses* love, Dev

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