Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown. BUT it only take 4 muscles to extend your arm and smack the asshole upside the head.
1. When kissing make sure your eyes are closed.
2. When kissing someone, make sure it is not someone else's g/f or b/f.
3.You may NOT eat pizza anytime before you make out.
4. If a person is a bad kisser, you MAY NOT stop and leave at anytime, it's rude.
5. A person with braces may not kiss another person who has them.
6. When kissing, make sure hands are where they are allowed.
7. Never ask someone if you're a good kisser, you will either get a lie, or the truth will hurt you.
8. If you are expecting more than kissing, don't complain, you will get less next time.
9. Kissing more than one person in a day could result in you not being allowed to kiss one of those parties anymore.
Chocolate bars: sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
Department stores: their clothes should always be half off.
Vacations: they never seem to be long enough.
Computers: hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Coolers: load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Coffee: the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
Horoscopes: they always tell you what to do, and are usually wrong.
Plungers: they spend most of their time in the hardware store or the bathroom.
Cement: after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.
Parking spots: the good ones are already taken and what's left is always handicapped.
How does a man show he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What makes men chase women they have no intention in marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They are hard to get started, emit foul odor, and don't work half the time.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
1. Only in America can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America are there handicapped parking spaces in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America do people leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and then put useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America do people use answering machines to screen their calls, but then have call waiting so they wouldn't miss a call from somebody they didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America do people buy hotdogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America do they have drive-up ATM machines with braille lettering.
10. Only in America can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House.
11. Only in America do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures.'
