Hello Aunty
Clare,
My problem
id my dog. Every time I have a friend or guest round to my flat, my dog
gets a little over-excited and tries to hump their legs. Its getting now
that no-one wants to visit me, and my boyfriends parents have told him
to stop seeing me! I love little Patch, and don't want to get rid of him.
What can I do?
Aunty Clare Says:-
Sally dear, I'd suggest giving your dog plenty
of regular manual relief, especially at times
when you are expecting company, ensuring
he is too "shagged out" to try it on with the
vicar. Also, dump your chap if he does everything
his parents tell him to!
Dear Aunty
Clare,
Can
you help? At bedtime, my girlfriend likes wrapping herself in raw pastry,
rolling in flour and asking me to complete the 'sausage roll'. She also
likes to dress up as almost any kind of savoury snack - pork pies, cornish
pasties, anything that means ending up covered in lard. She has even started
getting ideas about mince pies and cream horns. Its just not something
that turns me on in any way, and although I love my girlfriend, I just
can't handle it.
Aunty Clare says:-
Brian, you miserable old sod. If your loved
one was just into plain missionary position
sex once a week and twice on birthdays,
you'd be the first to compain. So get involved!
If pastry doesn't do it for you, try a bit of
dough... although watch out for those nasty
yeast infections.
Aunty Clare,
Please
help me, I'm at my wits end. Last week, my husband admitted to me that
he is gay. We have been married for 23 years and have three children who
have all now left home. My husband, Hugh, said he'd been keeping
this from me until the children were all grown up, and believes now is the time to "come out". My whole world has just crashed, Clare. I asked him how long he has been with his boyfriend, but he just looked shocked, and said he has no boyfriend, and never has. When I questioned him about it he said he doesn't fancy other men, or find them attractive and the thought of sleeping with anyone other than a female repulsed him. Which is why it is such a shock to both of us that he is actually gay. How can I get my life back to normal, Clare?
Aunty Clare says:-
Pauline. Let me get this straight (no pun
intended). Your husband is gay, yet he does
not find men sexually exciting or attractive.
I am sorry to tell you this, he is not gay, he
is senile. Put him in a home tomorrow.
I hope my responses to these poor individuals has enlightened some of you who may have had similar experiences, and don't forget, feel free to send me your problems. Discretion is assured.