Okay, okay, I guess I can just say it now: I'm mad at myself. Really mad. And, as usual, it's entirely because of my massive amounts of stupidity. I've begun to build a wall between myself and this guy that I love. I've begun pushing him away to make it hurt less, and to highlight all of his flaws in my mind, telling myself that I've just been blocking them before, which is true but less important than I'd have myself think. Then I started to be mad at him, and he didn't really know why. But did that stop me from being angry? Of course not. The really bullshit thing, though, is what I'm mad over. He's making a website, and my hostile, unbalanced emotions took it upon themselves to let him know the the website sucks. I mean, how fucked up is that? It's okay though, I guess. I mean, he totally blew me off. "Let's just be friends, Kat. Let's not ruin what we have." The problem is that I can't just be friends with a guy. I thought he knew that. I can't just be or just do something. I need to go totally one way or totally the other. I'm too intense to settle for any kind of compromise. It's just not in my nature. Y'know? The problem with him is that he really doesn't get that. Nor does it matter to him. He's intelligent and all, but he's still really young. And really innocent, I guess. It wouldn't be right of me to expect him to change that just so he could be more what I want him to be. Regardless of whether it's who he's supposed to be or not.

Okay, Merry Official Christmas, all. I guess. I'm still really really depressed, and, quite frankly, surprised that I've managed to actually get around to updating this three days in a row. Nothing like teen angst/trauma to bring about inspiration, right? God...my XMas was rather ruined anyway. And the worst part is this: he said we were great friends, and he was right...he's the only person I want to talk to about this, and he's also the only person I can't talk to. Somehow, he actually believes that I meant what I said. He's sweet. Especially when he's making me want to GOUGE MY FUCKING EYES OUT.

I love him. This is a really really tough discovery for many, many reasons. The most prominent, however, is the fact that I have known him for two years without feeling too much of anything, minus comraderie. Then, all of a sudden I bring some feelings to the surface, get them rejected, and learn how I really feel. I have loved him for two years. Ever since I met him. I have loved him with a burning strength and passion that makes the force of gravity seem like a bowl of two week-old pasta. (I don't know what that analogy means, but it makes a little sense to me.) Why the fuck didn't somebody tell me that I loved him?! Why couldn't somebody have let me known that I would give up my life to secure his happiness? How the hell was it let past my attention that he was the cork that kept my love and passion and sanity and reality inside of my weak little heart? And, most importantly, why didn't someone let me know BEFORE I went and screwed everything up with him?

I'll stop crying in a few days, I guess. Maybe part of my heart will regenerate in a few months. I know that I'll love again, eventually. But even so, always, a part of me will be here, in this room, crying, being rejected, its life ending. And as for the rest of me, I know I'll move on with my life, but at what cost? Every single fiber of my soul from now to eternity will always, always be aware of this event...No matter what future victories come into sight, I don't think I'll ever be able to block out this one lasting defeat wherein I lost my first love without even knowing until it was far too late.

Oh God, who was I kidding when I wrote that just a few hours ago? I'm not okay with this. My face is crumpled up like Claire Danes' right now and I'm trying to stop crying. Merry fucking Christmas, Kat. I mean, I know, he should have said no and all. And I *don't* want to ruin what we have. But that was the worst possible way to say no..."We're so much better as friends" or whatever. Damnit, he could have just said "It isn't you, it's me...really". *Could* that have hurt any more?

Honestly, I know that I'm not the best choice. He could have had lots of better girls. I'm not the prettiest or the sweetest or the smartest or anything, but I LOVE him. Shouldn't that mean something? I've loved him almost since I've known him. And, honestly, I'm not really one to throw the word love around too much. Really. Oh God. I need to stop crying.

Three to five business days? Try one. Actually, more like 12 hours. I guess the traffic was good. Still, things are alright, y'know? I guess maybe they'll always be alright. Anyway, so, I sign on this morning, and he IMs me. I knew it was coming, and I didn't want to delay it. This is what he sent me:

ok, this starts off clieched but, k, you and I are kindred spirits, you are some one who truly understands me and shares in by ideas and beliefs, dating, well, thats just friendship with nookie,(or just nookie), but i dont think either of us wants that, and what happens after the break up? look at me and nat. i dont want that, i like being able to talk to you about deep stuff lemmings dont understand, and i dont want to lose that, so maybe, we should just be the best of friends, clieched yes, but i TRULY mean that and I hope that this doesn't affect what we have

And I know that this sounds like a total brush-off to all of you, but I can only pray that his intentions are as good as, in my heart of hearts, I Know them to be. So, he and I are still friends. That's the way it's supposed to be, anyway. Because, honestly, I love him like a brother, or something like that. I'm just really desperate to fall in love one day, and I'm afraid that that day will never come, so I'm trying to draw it forward. I guess one day I'll fall in love for real, though. I mean, I hope so.

Man, I've got mad skillz. I mean, really. Not only do I pick the total imperfect times to fall for the totally wrong people, but I do it again and again and again... Jesus. Sucks to be me, right? Anyway, for my (much-needed) psychotherapy/bitching time this week, You get to hear all about the most aggravating/rewarding/confusing phone call of my life. Fun, fun, fun, eh?

Okay, so, remember Mr. So Damn Close from Halloween...the instigator of my most recent descent into madness? Yup...he strikes again. Since then, he and I have become really good friends, and I've learned to appreciate him in ways I never thought I would be able to bestow upon a person again. He is sweet and kind and funny and smart and all of that great stuff. Slowly, I began falling for him more and more. And then, quite before I knew it, I was in love with this guy.

So what? you're asking...love isn't real. Well, that I know already, and it probably would have remained so, but for this one friend of mine who just had to convince me differently. (I luv him for it, though...really.) He told me that I just had to tell this guy how I felt...like, my life might never reach its full extent if I didn't, then I'd just sit around never knowing. I had to tell him to be true to myself. It all made so much sense. So I sign online and tell this guy that I need to call him. Already, he knew that there was something sorta wrong, and he instinctively knew that I liked him. (Well, instincts, and the fact that I was desperately blatant with him...LoL.)

So, finally, I call him and we Talk. I tell him that I don't want to screw up this great thing that we have, but I can't stay true to myself and not tell him how I feel. He sort of saw this coming and feels more or less the same way, but is more confused than I am. Around this point I realize just how friggen confused I am too. Turns out that maybe I don't quite love him, but am just in love with the idea of love. But still, I like him an awful lot, and I can't let go of that. So we sort of agree to wait it out and think about it. "I'm working on it," to quote him, "We should know in 3-5 business days." He's funny like that. God knows I luv it.

But the *really* awkward thing about this is that he was dating my sister only a few months ago. So, really, his reappearance as a romantic figure in my life isn't exactly too thrilling to my sister. Actually, it's more like homicide-inducing. But y'know, whatever. So not only are he and I crossing the "awkward teens" line and the "just friends/more than that" line, but we're totally violating the "three month rule". Eek. Bad. Yet...good.

::self-indulgent smile:: Wow, I wish I had more of a capacity for growing up. Recently I found out that someone has actually looked at this website. Quite a shock. He, of course, being the perfect gentleman he is, mocked my childish outbursts in this section of the site, and I realized that I should probably update it. Not that anyone will care, but it will give me greater self-satisfaction, I suppose.

As things tend to happen in my world, my great depression ended. My reception to the world became lukewarm, which is, I suppose, better than ice-cold, and my feelings for the guy turned lukewarm too. Naturally. He's really special, though, and I do really value his insights...but he's way too young. I guess I have to have the patience for everyone to either grow up, or abandon themselves and flee to my level of living. But hey, that means that for, like, the first time ever, I'm totally emotionally uninvolved. (read: non-depressive) Isn't that great?! I'm, like, not manic/depressive, have stopped flying into rages, and have actually remained at least quasi-happy for almost a month.

Well, there was a small exception for a few days. ::ponders the circumstances:: Actually, more of a psychological breakdown. But it didn't last long, and there was no lasting damage. I simply lost interest in the world...you know? Like, there was no light or dark, and everything was so trivial, I was enraged that I was expected to take interest in it. Still, I got through it, and that's the important thing.

I have made a promise to myself from now on to do a better job updating my Other website with more stories. Keep in mind, however, that most of them are pretty awful. ::shrug:: And thus are the workings of my mind.

Okay, so it's official: my life sucks. The parts of the past 18 hours I haven't spent crying, were spent in nibbling on Count Chocula and listing to NIN. (Oh, and I slept a little and read some Hamlet, but that counts as crying, because I was multi-tasking.) And the worst part is this: I keep looking for someone to explain my situation to so they can make things feel all better for me, but every time I attempt to find someone, I feel like I'm betraying him because we promised not to do anything about it for now. (Oops...I'm ahead of myself.) So I'm just going to post this on the premise that no one's going to read it. Y'see, there's this totally amazing guy I know, and at one point in my life, I loved him. Everything's been cool for a while now, though, and he's been dating my sister, who's just basically a cheerleader-wannabe slut. But he has this amazing depth to him and--weirdly enough--he's sort of like me. Over the past few months, we've talked a little. (Okay...a lot...y'know...a few hours here, a few hours there...he and I talk more then he and my sister, and we talk about real things.) But I never really fell in love with him or anything...didn't even really become infatuated with him this time around. He and I just made some sort of emotional connection, that I assumed was just in my mind, and we lived our lives. Yesterday, however, he and I were talking, and he says in his sort of side-stepping way that he thinks he may like me. We agreed to let time tell, because neither of us were sure. And here I am now, crying my eyes out, pouring out my heart to a computer screen, and violating that sacred promise. God, I just want to die, but not with this thing unresolved.

Really, though, I'm not sure how I feel about him, which is tough, because I'm usually Little Miss Emotionally Sure. I love him...but in a sweet, innocent platonic way. He enhances my sorrow and joy. He's like a brother to me, in some ways. Sometimes I wake up thinking about him, or plan conversations with him, but only because I'm attached to his insights and views...I have a very strong emotional attachment to him, but no fantasies about him or anything. So I'm not sure if he and I belong to each other in any way...I just know that I want him to be happy. I'm not sure whether I'm supposed to be any part of that happiness.

I'm crying again. This is bizarre. I never cry. He and I are going to talk again today, I think. Tomorrow, for sure...it's unavoidable. I know I love him, but I'm not sure how and how far that will carry me. And I'm pretty sure he feels the same way that I do about this.

I have fallen, since we last chatted, more completely out of love than can be believed. I have fallen out of love with the guy mentioned (okay, okay... raved about) below, and every other person I have ever loved in a non-platonic way. I am bored of, and fairly scared by, the whole human race. (Yes, this has led me to countless mistakes, many of which I'm just *dying* to take back, but I have learned and discovered myself on the way, so it's all good, as one of my "friends" might say.) I am so disenchanted with everything right now, that I'm sort of locked up within myself, just writing poetry and trying to be happy and fill my heart with sunshine. (Or at least try to conceal the shadows from everyone else.) Yet, next to all of this, I'm starting to fall in love with the human race again (parts of it... select parts) thanks to a few isolated individuals who are so much more than what they are, and what they have convinced me to love once again. (Thank God Zeno never got his hands on me... I'm in a baffling mood.)

     I  AM  IN  L O V E!!!

              Weird, ain't it?  
     
                       I think I'm the most in love person I know.



                (Prep-Pretend Mode: Initiated)

  Ok...There's this guy, who's like, so perfect for me, that it's
waaay scary!  I mean, he's just this, like, normal guy, but he,
like, has the world's best personality!  I, like, think that we
have some hope together, too!  He's, like, so perfect for me, and
some junk, and all of our friends say we're perfect together! ::giggle::

   (Okay...for all of you disgusted web-surfers, back to normalacy.)  

  Really, though, there is actually a decent guy out there, and
I really do think I love him, for some reason, although it goes
against all of the rules and pre-set criteria of being a Me.
He's supersweet, and a little melancholy...plus he takes me seriously,
and actually cares about my world.  I'm not sure if anything'll happen,
But it really looks like it'll be interesting, at least...and love
*is* a great feeling...I'm just worried about the heartbreak afterwards.



   You know what's great about the internet?  All of a sudden, I have
this winning personality that, in reality, was just an unasked
rental from a friend.  (A rental I'll never return, thankyouverymuch.)
But it doesn't really matter.  I get to be this cyberslut,
in between Gloom Cookie sessions, and no one knows or cares about
my alternate personalities.  In fact, they don't even really know
I'm me, and it doesn't matter to them.  I'm just a screen name,
with my particular font.  Nothing less, nothing more to any of them.
Ain't the internet great?



And we, together, meet yet another beginning.  If you're interested
in my "creative genius" (hey...maybe I should write comedy), feel
free to check out my poetry.  Just try not to laugh too hard.  

            It ruins the pseudo-Beat motif in my mind.