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CLASSICS
STUNNERS
SAINTLY
MAD!
MESSAGE BOARD GUESTBOOK JOIN MAILING LIST E-MAIL JOKE AUTHOR
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GOODIESA drunk who smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading --- a couple of minutes later he asked the priest, "Father what causes arthritis"? "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man". "Well I'll be damned", the drunk muttered and returned to reading his paper. The priest, thinking about what he said turned to the man and apologized. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong --- how long have you had arthritis"? "I don't Father, I was just reading in the paper that the Pope has it". Three engineers and three accountants
are travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants
each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single
ticket.
"How are three people to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the accountants. |
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"Watch and you'll see," answers
an engineer.
They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When the accountants get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train, the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram in another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please." A man walks into the doctors surgery and flips his penis onto the desk and says "I'd like you to have a look at this Doc." The doctor looks and says "I can see nothing wrong with it." "I know, fucken beauty isn't it!!!". A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town their two young sons were in some way involved. The parents were at their wits' end as to what to do about their sons' behavior. The mother had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he thought they should send the boys to speak with the clergyman. The husband said, "We might as well. We need to do something before I really lose my temper!" The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually. The 8-year-old went to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?" At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home slamming himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?" The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing -- and they think we did it!" Yeltzin calls Clinton with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried. "My people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!" > "Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the President. "I do need your help," said Yeltzin, "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?" "Why certainly! I'll get right on it!" said Clinton. "Oh, and one more small favor, please?" "Yes?" "Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" "No problem," replied the President and, with that, Clinton hung up and called the President of Trojan. "I need a favor, you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia." "Consider it done," said the President of Trojan. "Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide." "Easily done. Anything else?" "Yeah," said the President, "write 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE SMALL' on each one." Two friends went out golfing and their tee shots were horrible. One guy hit it way left, the other way right. They decided that the shots were so bad that they would just meet up at the hole. So the first guy looks and looks and finds his ball sitting down deep in a field of beautiful Buttercups So he promptly pulls out his 7 iron and starts whacking away. Buttercups are flying everywhere but the ball won't come out. Well, finally Mother Nature got mad. She came up from the ground and said to the man "I've created this beautiful field of Buttercups and you have no respect for them at all, now they are ruined. I have to punish you. Since these are Buttercups your punishment is that you cannot have butter for a year". Well the man started to laugh and goes back to whacking at the Buttercups. Mother Nature said "Hey! this is no laughing matter. What do you find so funny?" The man smiled and said "My buddy is over on the other side there in the Pussywillows." A man walks onto an airplane and takes his seat. He looks up and notices the most beautiful woman he has ever seen boarding the plane. He is so nervous, and he soon realizes that she is walking down the aisle toward him. When she takes the seat right next to him, he is anxious to begin a conversation with her. He asks, "Where are you flying to today?" She responds, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago." He's CRAZED with excitement! Here is a gorgeous woman sitting next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!!!! "And what do you do at this meeting?" he asks. "Well," she says, "we try to dissolve some of the popular myths about sexuality." "And what myths are those?" he goes on desperately. She goes on to explain, "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most endowed, when in fact, it is the Native American who own this trait. Also, it is widely believed that the Frenchman is the best lover, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who make the best lovers." "Very interesting....." the man responds. Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I just feel so awkward discussing this with you when I don't even know you! What is your name?" The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto.......Tonto Goldstein." A group of professional men had finished a day's hunt and were relaxing around the fire. Their hunting dogs occupied a clearing nearby. One of the men observed that it was remarkable how the dogs had acquired the traits of their owners. The musician's dog was softly howling strains of the Moonlight sonata. The engineer's dog was using his paw to perform calculations in the dust. The lawyer's dog was screwing all the rest. A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?" The farmer said, "yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's". The lawyer said, "Well, do you have any grounds?" "Yea, I got about 140 acres" "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?" "No, I don't have a Case, but I do have a John Deere" "No, you don't understand. I mean, do you have a grudge?" "Course I got a grudge -- it's where I park my John Deere" "No, sir -- I mean, do you have a suit?" "Yes, sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays" The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?" The farmer said, "No, sir, we both get up about 4.30" Finally, the attorney says, "Well, let me put it this way -- Why do you want a divorce? And the farmer says, "Well, I jist never can have a meaningful conversation with her". A defending attorney was cross-examining a coroner. "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?" "No, sir" "And did you listen for a heartbeat?" "No, I didn't" "So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was actually dead, had you?" The coroner, tired of the browbeating, said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk -- but for all I know he could be out there, practising law somewhere!" The Pope finally dies, as all of us must, and goes to heaven to meet the Lord. God welcomes him in, telling him he was one of His most loyal servants on earth, and that he is free to do whatever he pleases in heaven. So the Pope decides to spend his time fulfilling his dream -- that being to learn the original Hebrew language and then to translate the Holy Bible for himself. He goes to the great library, and spends years poring over the books, learning Hebrew, while even the angels are amazed at his dedication to religion and his perseverance. Finally, the Pope judges himself ready to begin the translation of the original bible. So there he is, reading, translating and writing; reading, translating and writing; reading, translating and writing --- until the angels outside one day hear yelling and screaming from within. The next instant the Pope burst forth, red in the face, eyes popping, yelling hoarsely: "Shit, crap, Godammit, FUCK! I can't fucking believe it!" he bellows. "CELEBRATE .... the fucking order was CELEBRATE!!!"
A guy goes to his girl's house for the very first time. She shows him into the living room, and excuses herself to go to the kitchen to prepare them a drink. He notices a little vase on the mantle. He picks it up, looks it up and down, then turns it over to read the maker's name on the bottom. A fine grey dust drifts down from inside the vase. Just then the girlfriend returns. "What's this?" he asks, brushing the dust from his shirt. "Oh, my father's ashes are in there," she says. "J-j-j-j-j-eeee-z-z-z," he stammers. "I .... I .... " "Yeah," she says. "He's just too bloody lazy to go out to the kitchen and get an ashtray" The beautiful blonde gold-digger, out to get rich quick, married an old, frail billionaire. On the wedding night, she waited for him, dressed in a dazzling, revealing negligee, designed to show all her ample charms. Finally, the old man came out of the bathroom, wearing nothing but a condom, plugging cottonwool into his nostrils and ears. "Darling," she cooed. "Why the cottonwool?" "There are two things I can't stand," the old man explained. "One is the sound of a woman screaming, and the other is the smell of burning rubber!" A helicopter was flying above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's navigational and communications equipment. Due to the cloud and haze, the pilot could not dtermine his location, nor the course to the nearest airport. Finally, he saw a tall building and flew towards it. He circled, made a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" and held it up in the helicopter's window. The people in the building responded quickly, writing their own sign and holding it up in the window. It said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER". The pilot smiled, waved, turned the aircraft around and headed directly for Seattle airport. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign had helped dtermine their position. "Easy," said the pilot. "The information they gave me was technically correct, but totally useless, so I knew that had to be the Microsoft building!"
Two gays are out hitch-hiking. Finally they are picked up by a truckdriver. After a while, one of the gays develops this burning urge to pass wind, so he asks the truckdriver if he would mind. "Go for it," says the driver. The gay cocks his bum and lets out a sound like someone blowing air out of their mouth. "That's not a fart!" the bus driver says. "This is a fart!". And he lets fly with one that sounds just like a whoopy cushion with 30psi behind it. And the two gays look at each other, laugh, and say "Virgin!!". An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry. Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their connubial relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully. "Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently," she responded. The old guy paused....then he asked, "Was that one word or two?" In the interests of creating firm and stable foundations for our struggle to build Europe, I thought I would circulate this to encourage Euro-harmony, trust and mutual respect. By the way, some countries not represented here (Greece, Holland, Denmark etc. ) may feel offended at being left out. If so, please don't hesitate to make suggestions!
One day, a blonde and a brunette are sitting together for lunch. The brunette sets a thermos on the table, and the blonde asks what it is. "It's a thermos," says the brunette, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." The blonde stares in awe as the brunette pours steaming hot coffee out to show her. The next day, the blonde is showing off her 'new' thermos to another blonde. "See this?" she asks. "What is it?" the other blonde asks. "It's a thermos, and it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold!" "Oh, what do you have in it?" the new blonde asks. "Two cups of coffee, and a popsicle!" |