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My Time For Dying
The decision to end one’s life has to be the ultimate sacrifice one takes to eliminate themselves from the rest of the world. From the rest of their loved ones, whom they feel they can’t turn to in their time of need for one reason or another. A life unfulfilled or one not fully realized. A life cut short from something extraordinary…or something just ordinary. These are the hours and minutes leading up to the end of my life and ultimately the life I lived.
Have you met that person you thought was so honest, genuine and kind, that to yourself, you thought that either this person was really good at fabricating stories or is this person the real deal? I met Shad around a bonfire one night at a friend’s house. He had recently purchased a home in the neighborhood and where there is smoke there is fire and he introduced himself to us that evening. He had such a presence around him as he went from one couple to a small group to an individual. I watched him move with grace as every word coming from his mouth was filled with hope and awe. His stories of his past and his future were intoxicating like the alcohol we were consuming. People would become drunk in his words and sober in his vision. The evening was moving as if in slow motion as we were all witness to the next great thing. It was at this point he was making his way over to introduce himself to me that my stomach started twisting in knots. It was as if I was about to meet someone famous yet his name wasn’t household banter quite yet. I noticed that everyone he had talked to was chatting with someone else about what he had spoken about. It was like a prophet had entered our little circle and I was soon to be converted over to Drakism. I wasn’t going to be able to stop this conversion either I was guessing.
Drake was a tall man at 6’ 5” with a solid build, yet a lanky type frame to him. He had piercing blue eyes and a deep voice that seemed to echo through the night in everyone else’s conversation. Now I am a little more solid than Drake but much shorter at 5’ 8” tall. I am a good-looking man with huge brown eyes and long eyelashes that most women would kill for. Our voices were almost identical yet his seemed to command more attention than mine which made me more curious to meet him. I was always the center of the party and this man had entered my domain and was taking my audience from me and for no other reason than that, I wanted to meet him and to know why?
“Joe Ryan,” I said with confidence as I reached out to shake his hand.
“Shad Drake,” he said as everyone had become a little quieter as to eavesdrop on our conversation to see if we were going to spar over attention.
“Are you a politician or someone famous that I haven’t heard of yet?” I asked in what I thought was a genuine question to his sudden nobility.
“I have been around the fire meeting everyone and for some reason I wanted to talk to you last as I was a little intimidated meeting you at first. To your question though…no and no. I am a messenger of sorts much like you. I have dreams and aspirations that have or will become reality. I have listened to your ideas, hopes and visions for years now and have acted on every thought you have had.”
It was at this point that I looked around and we were all alone in front of a raging fire even though the logs had burned almost to the ground. The night became crystal clear and I have never seen the moon so bright. The night was no longer moving in slow motion but at a complete standstill and we were all alone. I looked around and could see shadows of where people were sitting and standing but no one was there to cast these images from the light of the moon.
“Who are you?” I asked.
“I am you. I am what you could have become or still can if you so chose. My message to you is clear. The world is a much brighter place with you in it. I am here to help you decide if you want to keep the fire bright or become its ashes.”
In an instant the fire turned to ash, the light from the moon had vanished and a sudden chill came upon me. In the darkness I could still see clearly. Beyond the outlines of Drakes chiseled face I could see every branch, leaf, and even the smallest of creatures flying and stirring about in the darkness.
“I don’t plan on leaving for awhile…and where is everyone?” I said with a brow raised as I wondered who this man was.
“They are all still here. You can’t see them because your vision has been clouded as of late as I am dying from the emptiness in your heart. It is what is in your heart that has made me strong over the years and your feeling of helplessness lately has weakened me.”
“I guess I don’t get it. I don’t understand. Is this like a taping of a new twilight zone or what? Am I dreaming? Is this real? What the hell is going on here and can we put some flame back onto the fire?”
“Everyone has choices that they make in their lives that ultimately decide the fate of others and the fate of their own existence. They have the ability to either favorably change their surroundings or alter them in a way that they can never truly see the magnitude of their choice. This can be in a positive, neutral, or negative way. No one can know what that choice has done for themselves or others, but I am here to show you the life you could have had or still can. You are the most remarkable man I have known and I should know because I am you. You marveled at the way people listen to me like they listen to you except different. They listen to me and look at you and I’m sure you’ve noticed and wondered why? Were we talking about you? You could hear their conversations but you weren’t really listening. They all mentioned one thing in common and that was that you had thought of something similar. I cannot tell you what impact you have had on the world but I will tell you this. It’s your choice. It’s your choice to take the life you have or the life you have wanted. Much like the ashes you contemplate or a blazing fire that draws people to you.”
The fire reappeared and sudden warmth came back over me as I tried to digest his meaning.
“The life I wanted?” I interrupted with a little anxiety in my voice, “and thank you,” I half winked in approval as I rubbed my hands near the fire to capture its heat.
“How do you know that the life I have right now is not the life I want? Are you God?” I said in a mocking way that I think had angered Shad or myself, and at this point I was more confused than enlightened like I thought I would be by meeting myself I guess as it were.
“I am not god; I am not an angel or have anything to do with god. I am you. I didn’t ask you if the life you are living is the right one, I asked you if you wanted to take the life you have or the life you wanted. They could be one in the same and that is your choice.”
“You are confusing the hell out of me. What do you want? What happens if I decide to take the life you have created for me? What happens to the life I have created for my daughter, my friends, and myself? Would I still have my daughter? What would I lose if I make this choice?”
“I can’t answer those questions for you. I can tell you this, I have never been happier in my life until now. You talk of hope in the world and a tear is shed from your eye as someone dies that you cannot help. For every tear you shed a part of me disappears because your dreams are now dissipating without cause and only thoughts of despair are in your mind and heart. Your transportation of thought has always been around the fire with friends that you can deliver your message to upon deaf ears. You joke about getting together and talking smart and solving world problems around the fire but you have yet to do so lately. You have given up on the passion that has created me and now you are killing me with your despair. It is your choice to make if I am to live or die.”
“Do I have to make this decision now or can I take a few days? Wait! Before you answer that question let me take a piss…I’ll be right back.”
Shaking my head and trying to clear my mind I headed for the edge of the woods to relieve myself of what seemed to be about a 12 pack in my body. It was like the never-ending stream as I looked at my surroundings and noticed that the clouds had now covered the moon and the night was no longer as clear as it was. “No shit,” I thought to myself. I was never so confused. As I finished and zipped up I turned around to find everyone around the fire again. Shaking my head again I couldn’t help but think I must have had more to drink than I thought and the amount of liquid that came out of me asserted that assumption.
I sat back down next to the fire and checked my cell phone to see if I missed any calls and noticed that the time was 11:00 pm. Mind you I got there at 7:00 and the last thing I remember was talking with Drake and seeing that the time on my watch was past midnight. I looked at my watch again and it was 11:01 pm. I remember drinking three beers while talking with him and the empty cans were next to my chair. I always turn my tabs so I definitely drank them. I was also getting very drunk as my head was almost to that point of spinning. I must have passed out for a while staring into the mesmerizing flame. Now Jay Robbie, or birdman as we all called him in reference to his first name, was my best friend. Bird was the same height as me, a huge sport nut, with a smart-ass sense of humor that made you watch what you said or you were to get grilled by his wit. Bird was rekindling the fire when I went up to him to explain the freakish thing that just occurred to me.
“Bird…I know you will think I’m nuts, but I met this guy around the fire tonight that doesn’t exist.” I said waiting for his slapstick.
“…And who was this man?” He said in a superman voice.
“A guy named Shad Drake.”
“Yeah, I met him. He just moved in down the street. He exists,” shaking his head thinking I was nuts now.
“Umm, He said he was me? Was I passed out or something? You slip something into my drink? If you did the answer is no Jay – You’re not my type.”
“You know I like it when you talk dirty to me,” he said laughing.
“No you weren’t passed out, I didn’t slip something into your drink, but I do think you might need a little help from the good doctor…Dr. Budweiser that is.” He said opening another beer for me and twisting the tab.
“It seemed so real, I must have had a little lapse or something. Maybe I had too much to drink, I don’t know. I just don’t know anymore.”
“Shut up and drink, and remember, no politics tonight. No talk about world problems - nothing. Lets just have a good time and tomorrow we get up and golf at 10:00.”
“One question for you though and I promise not to talk smart and solve world problems as you say tonight. If you had another life that was given to you and you had to chose which path you would take, either the one your on or the one that could have been, which would you chose?”
“That’s a loaded question for one. How do I know what the other life is like and no, I couldn’t just give up on my current life. If I didn’t know if my kids would be around, and who cares about the wife, I couldn’t live with that decision. Drink your beer and shut up!” He said looking perplexed, as was I with his answer.
The rest of the night was just plain eerie as Shad was a real person but for some reason he appeared to me in another light than the rest of our group. I didn’t talk about him or anything else for that matter the rest of the night. It was small talk and nothing more.
The next morning I woke up in my bed with a faint smell of smoke in my clothes and my mouth tasting completely awful from the amount of beer consumed and cigarettes smoked. I called Jay to see what time to meet him at the course and he was at work. Did I sleep an entire day and miss golf I pondered to myself as I hung up the phone. I never miss a chance to golf and if it was Monday and not Sunday like I thought, I had thirty minutes to get ready for work.
I work managing apartments so the commute was only across the parking lot thank god! I showered and got ready in ten minutes. I had a quick bite to eat, grabbed a Pepsi and off to work I went. On my way across the parking lot I called Jay at work again to find out what happened Sunday.
“Bird…How the hell did you let me sleep an entire day away and miss golf?” I said in an annoyed voice.
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“After the bonfire Saturday, which by the way you shouldn’t have let me drive home, you said we were golfing at ten. I didn’t wake up till this morning. What happened?”
“What happened? I have no idea what you’re talking about. The kids and I went to a movie Saturday night and I went to bed early. Sunday I was at the in-laws all day. What bonfire were you at?”
“Never mind, I must have had some goofy dreams last night. I really don’t remember what I did this weekend I guess. I must have slept all weekend.”
“Are you on drugs? Let me call you later bud, I have a meeting I have to get to in five minutes.”
“All right, talk to you later.”
What is going on? I can’t remember an entire weekend? I just put it out of my mind. The last thing I needed was for the ex to hear that I am delusional and not be able to see my daughter. My day at work dragged and I was extremely tired for someone who apparently slept for over fifty hours. I had one appointment left at 4:30 and after that I was going to go home and sleep. I apparently need more sleep these days than the usual five hours a night. I went outside for a smoke and realized I hadn’t had a smoke all day. I was wearing the patch on my left bicep and remembered reading the warning label that strong dreams can occur if you wear the patch overnight. It was starting to make sense to me and if nothing else was learned, I will forgo wearing the patch at night from now on. It didn’t explain the bonfire smell, the alcohol I guess I didn’t consume that was on my breath in the morning, or the feeling in my lungs as if I smoked three packs of cigs the night before. I had nothing else to go on so I’m sticking with the patch theory and maybe did a little walking in my sleep.
I didn’t take the original call that generated the appointment at 4:30 and when I glanced at the name in the appointment book I took a double take to see the name Chad Blake. I was thinking to myself that this is one wacky coincidence or I am truly going nuts. When Chad showed up I was expecting this guy I had envisioned in my dreams. He was completely the opposite though. He was a couple inches shorter than I and weighed probably fifty pounds more. His eyes weren’t piercing at all but squinty. He was like the anti-drake, which made me chuckle a little. I showed him the open apartment we had and all the amenities we had to offer and brought him back to the office in hopes that he would put money down to hold the apartment.
“I have some choices I have to make before I commit to putting money down on this apartment,” he said.
“Choices…like what kind of choices?” I asked starting to get a little excitement in my voice.
“I have two apartments to choose from. Yours has a lot of what I’m looking for but the other apartment I looked at earlier might be better suited for the direction I want my life to go.”
“Is this some kind of joke?” I asked. “Are your apartment choices like the choices I have to make in which direction I want my life to lead or which life I want to chose?” I said angrily.
“No…it’s just that the other apartment is a little more expensive and I think it may project a more positive energy for me at work. I do think you have helped me with my decision though.” He said, as he looked at me in bewilderment.
“I’m sorry; I just had a long weekend followed by a long day at work. I think you would be more comfortable here in a quality apartment where you could save some money. You could use the savings for other things that could help you reach that confidence level you are seeking at work. What do you do for a living?” I asked with a little more relaxed demeanor.
“I’m a messenger.”
“Like parcel?” I asked with a raised brow.
“Whatever they want me to deliver.”
“In the next twelve hours my choice will have been made. I know it is not an easy decision for me but one that has to be made soon. Your life depends on it.”
“Depends on it like? Your apartment choice has a bearing on my life?”
“I’m just a messenger that is for you to figure out.”
I walked him to the door with a blank look to my face and instead of reaching for the door I pinched his arm.
“Ouch” he said turning around to look at me with a hint in his eyes that I was some kind of crazed lunatic.
I took my pointer finger and gently pushed into his chest.
“Yep, you’re real all right.” I said as I almost slammed the door in his face as my gentle shove nudged him out the door.
I shook my head as I started to close up the office for the night thinking this wasn’t the twilight zone I was experiencing. I looked in the mirror to see if there was a resemblance to Ebenezer Scrooge, because it was starting to feel a lot like a Christmas Carol. I shook my head again to clear my jumbled brain and chuckled to myself, “He’s not renting here.”
I did find myself looking for the third ghost to appear much of the rest of the evening and at the same time I was noticing an abundance of time keeping devices wherever I went. I looked at my watch, which is funny because I have never owned one before, had stopped. I don’t remember having a watch on my wrist all day and there it was.
“Weird,” I thought as the time on the watch which read 5:17 coincided with the disappearance of the anti-drake.
“5:17,” I said to myself. Why would this number be significant?
I noticed that I had now been walking for more than an hour with no destination planned or any idea of where I was headed. Suddenly my cell phone rang inside my pocket as I almost tripped over something on the sidewalk. I looked back to see what I stumbled on as a hand grabbed my pants leg.
“Help out a vet in need,” uttered a voice that was attached to the hand that stopped me.
I reached into my pocket and quickly answered my phone before it went to voicemail, “One sec bird,” as I handed the man a twenty.
“Ahhhhhhh,” I shrieked as the man looked like a weathered, half alive Shad Drake. As the money went from my hand to his he disappeared.
“Bird”
“What are you doing?” an annoyed Jay replied.
“I really have no idea…at all,” I replied with an emphasis on the at all.
“It’s Friday night, Jen is not on call, and it’s your birthday.”
“I’m Forty tomorrow, not tonight. Don’t age me quicker than needs be.”
“We’re going out tonight and I have a fire ready for after the bar.”
“Give me thirty and I can be down there,” I said as I hung up the phone.
I took a quick look around for the homeless man but he was nowhere to be found. I looked into my pocket and the twenty that was there before was nowhere to be found as well.
“God I am going nuts.” I said out loud.
I thought to myself that if I was going to be drinking tonight that I would treat myself to smoking for one more night. I reached over to grab the patch off my arm and it wasn’t there.
“I am so fucked up,” I uttered to myself finally getting home and into my blazer for the trek down to Jay’s for what could be one last night of fun I thought before they commit me. I looked at my watch that I must have stole in my dazed state to notice that it was still at 5:17. I shook it as if that would magically make it start telling time to no avail. I put it to my ear thinking that I could somehow hear it ticking and to my amazement it worked.
“It ticks!” I said as a smile came across my face.
I looked at it again but it wasn’t working. The arms still remained at 5:17. Again I put it to my ear and the ticking sound grew louder. I took off the watch as if it was ready to detonate and take my hand off at the wrist. I looked at the back for a battery and noticed something etched on the back. I pulled over and turned on the dome light to see a faint Shad Drake scribed on the back. I looked again and it faded away before my eyes.
“Did I see what I thought I saw,” I said to myself looking around at traffic to see if anyone else saw the same lunatic that I was looking at in the rear view mirror.
I rolled down the passenger window and tossed the watch out the window and proceeded to head to Jay’s.
“O.K. something is going on here… and why am I talking out loud to myself?”
“5:17, 5:17, 5:17, 5:17, 5:17…What does it mean?”
I decided to quit talking to myself out loud as I was starting to think seriously about committing myself. 5:17 I now thought in my head had to mean something but what. What will happen at 5:17? Will I disappear? Will my life change to something else? With an approving nod I thought maybe I would turn into a 6’ 5” Shad Drake and an NBA superstar past his prime.
“5:17 is the time I was born,” I suddenly realized.
I pulled into Jay’s driveway at that moment and just sat with the engine running for what seemed like an eternity as a million things entered and exited out of my mind. It was now just past 10:00 which gave me approximately seven hours to decide something I really gave no thought to but tried to understand. Seven hours to decide what life I wanted? The life I had, or the one that is filled with so much hope and promise that Shad had assured he was living. I shut the car off and Jay came around from the back of the house.
“Well bud, Jen was called in tonight on an emergency call so we are either stuck here with beers around the fire or you can go out by yourself. Sorry man,” Jay said with actual empathy instead of his usual sarcastic tongue.
“To tell you the truth Jay I really don’t feel like going to the bar. I think I need a good night by the fire to clear my head. I promise no politics but I can’t promise you that you will understand anything I say tonight because I really don’t know what’s going on in my life right now.”
“Well I got the fire started like a boy scout and the beer is already chillin’ in the cooler. I got the monitor out by the fire and I’m not sure how late I will be able to stay up or for that matter drink since I can’t get too drunk in case one of the kids needs dad, but it’s the best I can offer you. Not quite the fortieth birthday celebration you were looking for I bet but I promise I will take you out tomorrow night and do it up right.”
“I think I am going to drink to my hearts content and not worry about tomorrow for I just don’t know where I will be.”
“Whatever…there is a fire that needs us and a beer with your name on it out back.”
The fire was blazing and there was a chill in the air which was expected for what was soon to be November, 11th, the day I was born. There was no snow on the ground as this was an already warm start to a Minnesota winter that hadn’t seen a night into the thirties yet. Tonight it was supposed to change as they predicted a low into the upper twenties with a chance of snow. I decided not to talk about anything that was happening to me but just enjoy the evening for what it was. We sat around the fire reminiscing about the great times we had spent together and the families we brought into this world. Usually around the fire I would bring up ideas I had to cure the U.S. of homelessness, racism, my thoughts on gun control, or whatever else ailed the world at the time. Tonight was different though. As the night progressed it was becoming apparent what I needed to do. We talked about everything and nothing. Arguments of the ten funniest movies ever to our own Ross Gellar laminated five list of who we could sleep with if given the chance. I couldn’t remember a better birthday and I wasn’t surrounded by all my friends for once but just my best friend. It was around 2:00 a.m. when Jay went to bed and I stayed up to tend the fire. I angered my ex-wife that night when I called my daughter around 2:30 to tell her in length of how much I already missed her and how very much dad loves her. I didn’t want to fall asleep fearing what might or might not happen in just a few hours. I put a couple more logs on the fire and opened another beer that I really didn’t need and set it next to me as I leaned back in my chair. I was going to close my eyes for just a few minutes.
The phone rang. Jay woke up to answer while looking down at the smoldering fire from his window noticing that it was now snowing for the first time this year.
“Hello Jen how was your delivery?”
“Anyone show up tonight?” she said excitedly before answering Jay’s question.
“No one showed up tonight so it was just the neighbor Drew and I hanging by the fire”
“Well my night was kind of exciting, can I tell you about it real quick?”
“Can it wait till you get home?”
“No it can’t Jay,” she said in what he thought would be an annoyed manner but still upbeat.
“At 5:17, the most beautiful eight pound six ounce, blue eyed baby boy you have ever laid your eyes upon was born. She named him Shad Drake. It was a miracle Jay, this homeless man with twenty dollars to his name hailed a cab and dropped her off at the hospital I guess. He came upon her passed out from what she told me was exhaustion from trying to walk to the hospital. Isn’t that amazing?” she said all in one breathe.
Before he could answer, “Did you watch any T.V. tonight?” her voice now turned to solemn.
“I didn’t why?”
“Ironically at 5:17 when this miracle baby was born our president, Joe Ryan, was out walking without his secret service with him when witnesses said they saw him trying to give this homeless man money. The homeless man I guess then pulled out a gun and shot and killed him at exactly 5:17. How weird is that?”
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