Wellsir, I'll tell yall bout these two wimin. Them's some high steppers an they are mitey fine folks but sometimes they do git inta some messes an git ta be downrite problemsome. They are first cuzzins but that there aint why they got tha same last name. Nosir, whut they done wuz ta marry up with twin brothers, Roy and Roi Spooner. Them boys mama named em with names that sounded jest alike on accounta she cudn't tell em apart an didn't want em ta know it. So she give em names thet sounded jest alike sos when she called one of em they wudn't know. Them two boys is like two peas in a pod. Whut I mean is nobody can tell em apart. Loretta an Bessie caint neither, but Bessie sez it don't make no difference on accounta they are both zackly alike anyhow.

Roy is tha britest one of tha two. He gits downrite scietifical an is a deep thankin feller. One time we wuz at tha barber shop an I ast him how long it had been sense he had a haircut on accounta he looked like one of them long hairs that I seen on tha TV. He sed it had been about two "ergels". I ast him whut in the world is a ergel and he said it wuz a new way a keepin track a time. He sed it wuz sumthin he invented. So I ast him jest how long is a ergel an he sed it is tha amount of time thet it takes fer dog poop ta turn white. See, that there is whut I mean about him being scientifical.

Now Roi aint no smarter than a turnip. But he's a nice feller, an he is tha one thet got all them folks enuff money ta live rite nice. Whut he done wuz ta make a reel valuble discovery. One time when he wuz diggin a pit fer a new outhouse he found some kinda funny lookin stuff thet wuz found out later ta be zepherite. Now zepherite is tha stuff thet them folks that makes glue fer labels puts in it sos ya caint git them labels off a whutever it is ya buy with a label on it. Roi an Roy got tha onlyest zepherite mine in this part of tha country so when they need sum money they jest dig some up an sell it.

They all live south of town in that big house on tha hill on that old rocky farm. They got a whole passel of kids, bout fourteen I reckon. All them kids calls both Bessie and Loretta mama cause they just thank that they got two mamas. Bessie and Loretta don't zackly know which ones is which anymore nohow.

One day I seen em an a bunch of them kids at Pop Webber's Grocery and Gas Station an one of them kids wuz messin around by tha fruit counter an I heerd Loretta say, "Willie, put down that bananner". Tha kid sed, "I aint Willie, Maw, I'm Josh". She sed, "Well whoever ya are put down that bananner". An it's like that there. Thurs bout twelve of them kids that goes ta tha Possum Flats Grade School. Ever year fer tha past six years Bessie an Loretta has gone ta tha school ta git two more of them kids rolled in that place, an ever year it's tha same kinda argufyin thet goes on ta do it. Tha school feller sez, "Whuts this younguns name"? Then one of them wimin tells him. Then he sez, "Whuts tha daddy's name", an one of em says Roi or Roy, an tha school feller always rites down "Roy". Then he sez, "Who's tha mama", an they say, "We are". An he sez, "Who are". An they say, "We are". An it goes like that fer a spell till he finally jest rites one a ther names. So at that school they figger that Roy has twelve kids an has two wives.

Last month they went ta nother one of them PTA meetins. Ther has been lotsa talk round town bout tha kids not learnin much at that school so Bessie an Loretta figgered that maybe they orta go to tha meetin ta see ifn they cud help fix tha problem. Tha other folks wernt too happy bout seein them two show up at tha meetin on accounta tha last time they wuz ther one of em slipped a crawdad into tha punch bowl an when one of them other wimin wuz dippin out some punch an seen that claw a stickin up outa that bowl she hollered reel loud an throwed punch all over four other peeple that wuz standin ther. But this time they didn't bring no crawdad. The principal from tha school wuz gonna do some splainin bout how much tha kids wuz learnin an Bessie an Loretta wuz gonna listen. Wellsir, tha principal sed that he had heered about how some folks thinks that tha kids wuzn't learnin enuff but he sed that they wuz learnin tha kids some good thangs. He sed they wuz ministerin to tha kids as a whole an thet he wuz makin shore thet they wuz gainin self esteem. Well now, thet didn't set too gud with Bessie an Loretta an Bessie stood up an sed, "Now hold on ther, you sound like a idjit. Our younguns holes don't need no ministerin an they don't need no more steem neither". He said, "Madam, what I am saying is that we are making them feel good about their own selves". Then Loretta sed, "Why wud anybody feel gud bout therself ifn they don't know nuthin? These here younguns need ta learn readin and ritin an how ta do cyperin. They can feel gud bout therselves when they catch a fish or fly a kite". Well, tha principal didn't like that but he didn't say no more bout it.

Then two days later Homer, one of ther younguns wuz sent home from school with a note thet sed he wuz dispelled on accounta he had brot a dangerus substanse ta school. Well whut it wuz, tha boy had fell down a couple days before an had skint his arm so one a his mamas had docterd his arm with a poltice made from stump water an mashed up sassyfrass root. Then she give his sum in a little can ta put on when thet wore off. That ther principal sed it wuz not allowed in school. Bessie an Loretta sed they wuz gonna go see tha idjit. They wuz purty rankeld bout it. When they got ta tha school they jest went rite inta that fellers office. He wuz settin behind his desk in a big chair. I peeped thru tha winder sos I cud see whut they wuz gonna do. An I slipped tha winder open jest a tad sos I cud heer whut they wuz gonna say. They stood in front of his desk an Bessie sed that he orta learn whut is dangerus an what aint. Then Loretta sed, "That's rite. That ther poltice aint tha least bit dangerus but we mite be, you beady eyed little twerp". Then she reached across tha desk an sticked her fanger rite up that fellers nose an lifted him rite up outa thet chair. He cum up rite quick too an wuz standin on his tippytoes in no time whut with her fanger rite up betwix his eyeballs. Then Bessie reached inta her pocketbook an took out a little squirrel and grabbed a holt a that fellers belt an an pulled it outwards an stuffed that squirrel rite down inta his britches. Wellsir, it got plum excitin then. That squirrel musta been rite scart on accounta he commenced ta clawin an scratchin an bitin an that probly wuz tha hollerinest dancinest jumpinest school principal in tha whole country rite then. He run out from behind that big desk an undid his britches rite quick an pushed em down ta his ankels. Thet squirrel like ta run over me comin outa that winder an didn't stop runnin till he wuz at tha top of tha oak tree across tha road. Two of tha schools teachers wuz walkin past tha principal's office when they heered all that commotion inside. So one of em opened tha door an seen him with his britches down around his ankels. Bessie sed ta one of em, "Look here at this letcherus old fool, an us bein here ta talk serious bout our youngun". Loretta sed, "Yall orta lock this yahoo up befoe somebody kills him". Then they went on home.

Wellsir, one a them teachers called tha law an told tha sherrif that tha principal wuz bein indecent an tha sherrif come out an took him ta jail. Tha principal called tha lawyers, Steele and Plunder and they come down an after awhile tha sherrif got tha story told to him strait. Now tha sherrif he is downrite legal minded. He sed he looked inta all his lawbooks an cudn't find whur ther is a law agin stickin yer fanger up somebodys nose. But he come out ta tha Spooner place an give Bessie and Loretta a ticket fer cruelty ta animals. And Homer, wellsir he went on back ta school tha next day an ther wernt no more sed about it. Judge Smudkin fined Bessie and Loretta ten dollers an they sed it wuz werth it.

Now I reckon yer a wantin ta know whut them two is in jail fer an I'm bout ta tell ya rite now. Ya see it all started when one a ther younguns, named Seth, seen a yeller chicken suit in a catalog thet wuz in ther outhouse. Thet boy wanted that chicken suit reel bad, an he got his self a job at Sudders dairy a feedin cows an saved up his money an sent off fer it. Oh, he wuz rite proud a that suit an took ta wearin it ta tha ball games an such an made all tha little younuns laff at his carryin on, a prancin around an fallin down an such as thet. Then it wuz time fer tha Old Settlers Parade an big doins in town. Seth sed he wuz gonna wear his chicken suit an be in tha parade an he wuz rite happy bout it. Wellsir, when Bessie an Loretta went on ta town ta watch the parade Seth come up ta em an he wuz plum slowder faced an sorryful. He sed that old man Wooster, tha mayor, had done told him that this is a parade bout old settlers an thur wernt no place fer enybody a wearin a chicken suit. Wellsir, that ther wuz a bad mistake. He shudn't a did that. Them two wimim didn't like that old man anyhow. The onlyest reason thet he is tha mayor is on accounta he owns tha buildin wher tha town office is an so he has called his self tha mayor fer thurty years.

Bessie an Loretta had a little set to with tha mayors wife, old lady Wooster bout a year ago. Tha sherrif come out an thet old lady wuz with him, standin rite behind. She wears one of them big haired wigs everwher she goes an aint got but one tooth an it's rite in front. Bessie ast tha sherrif what he wanted an that old lady spoke up an sed thet some of tha Spooner boys wuz stealin her watermelons. Loretta told tha sherrif, "This here old horsefaced biddy is lyin thru her tooth". That there wuz tha end of it. So Bessie an Loretta figgered thet they wud go see tha mayor an tell him whut a dumm thang he had did a tellin tha boy thet he cudn't be in tha parade.

They found old Wooster by tha post office an Bessie sed, "You weasel faced old coot, aint you never heered of pioneers a havin chickens"? Then she grabbed a holt of both of his ears and shook him rite hard an bout than time Loretta jumped on his back and locked her laigs around his middle an they went tumblin ta tha ground. Wellsir, then with Loretta a holdin him rite tight Bessie shucked his brithches off jest rite now. An with Loretta still a holdin him Bessie went ta tha flag pole in front of tha post office an hauled down tha flag then tied them britches rite under it and hoisted em up tha pole rite to tha top. Then she run over an pulled off one of old Woosters shoes an tied it ta tha end of tha rope an throwed it onto tha roof of tha post office sos nobody cud git them britches down from tha pole.

Loretta let old Wooster up then an he went ta runnin around an hollerin fer help an he shor looked funny in them pokey dot drawers. Old lady Wooster seen it all from cross tha street but had ta wait till tha Ladies Decency Societee wuz finished marchin by then she come runnin over ther a hollerin that Bessie and Loretta wuz unkooth an sech as that. Loretta snatched that big haired wig rite offn her head an throwed it an it landed rite on tha point of a speer that Hunky Spivins wuz carrin in tha parade, him bein dressed like a wild injun. Hunky thot that wuz funny an he held tha speer up rite high sos everbody cud see that he wuz a mean injun on accounta he had him a scalp. Old lady Wooster wus clutchin her head an hollerin an watchin her wig on thet speer a goin on down tha street.

Bout thet time tha Possum Flats High School Band come a marchin down tha street a playin an a prancin. Tha Wooster's boy, Blister, seen whut wuz a happenin an stopped a blowin on his trombone an come a runnin ta help his maw an paw. Wellsir, Loretta grabbed a holt a thet trombone an bent that slidin part of it into a U shape. Thet boy wuz jest mumyfied then an didn't do nuthin. Tha band stopped playin an wuzn't marchin no more on accounta them kids wuz all wantin ta watch tha citement an Percy Whitter tha band leader wuz all flusterated an kept on a tootin on his whistle an flappin his arms tryin ta lead a band thet wuzn't playin nuthin. Then tha Possum Flats Womens Garden Club come marchin inta tha band on accounta tha band wernt marchin no more. Purty soon ther wuz jest a big crowd a peeple ther that wuzn't ther before. After that tha Possum Flats Volunteer Fire Department come marchin inta tha Ladies Garden Club an it got ta be downrite confusin round there. In a little while Percy got that band back ta playin an marchin an tha garden ladies got ta goin on too.