After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.
"Mr. Black, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."
"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Black replied. "I hung him up to dry."



As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "George, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said George, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"



Son : Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning,
he told me to give up seat to a lady.
Mom : Well, you have done the right thing.
Son : But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.




"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner!"




There's a bear and a rabbit in the woods and they come across a golden frog, they think this is an amazing discovery and they are even more amazed when it talks to them. The golden frog admits that he doesn't often meet people, but when he does he gives them six wishes. He tells them that they can have 3 wishes each.
The bear immediately asks that all the other bears in the forest be female. Which the frog immediately does.
The rabbit after thinking for a while, asks for a crash helmet and one appears, which he places on his head.
The bear is amazed at this, but carries on with his next wish, he asks that all the bears in the neighbouring forests be female as well, and thus it is so!
The rabbit then wishes that he could have a motorcycle, it appears before him, and he climbs on board and starts revving the engine. The bear cannot believe it, he remarks to the rabbit that he has wasted two wishes that he could of had for himself.
Shaking his head, he makes his final wish, 'That all the other bears in the world be female as well.' The frog replies that it has been done and they both turn to the rabbit for his last wish.
The rabbit revs up the engine and thinks for a second, and then says:- "I wish for the bear to be gay!" and promptly drives off as fast as he can!




At a dinner party, one of the guests, an obnoxiously loud young man, tried to make clever remarks about everyone and everything. When he was served a piece of meat, he picked it up with his fork, held it up and smirked: 'Is this pig?'
Another guest, sitting opposite, asked quietly: 'Which end of the fork are you referring to?'



Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.
"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence. "Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court. "Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."


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