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Condom Crisis
This 60 year old man walked into a store and walked up to a woman working at a cash register and asked, "Do you sell condoms here?" The woman replied, "Yes, we do. What size do you need?" The man thought for a minute and said, "I'm not sure." So the woman knelt down in fromt of him, unzipped his pants, felt around, and said over the loudspeaker, "Extra-large condoms at checkout 3, please. Extra-large condoms at checkout 3." The condoms were brought, the man made his purchase, and left. Ten minutes later, a 30 year old man walked into a store and walked up to the same woman working at the cash register and asked, "Do you sell condoms here?" The woman replied, "Yes, we do. What size do you need?" The man thought for a minute and said, "I'm not sure." So the woman knelt down in front of him, unzipped his pants, felt around, and said over the loudspeaker, "Large condoms at checkout 3, please. Large condoms at checkout 3." The condoms were brought, the man made his purchase, and left. A 15 year old boy had seen all that had happened, and hoped that he would get lucky, too. So he went up to the same woman working at cash register 3, and said to her, "I, uh, would like to, umm, purchase some condoms, please." The woman replied, "Sure! What size do you need?" The boy said, "I,uhhh, don't really, umm, know." So the woman knelt in fromt of him, felt around, and said over the loud speaker, "Cleanup at checkout 3 please. Cleanup at checkout 3."
Incident at the Bank
A pregnant woman walked into a bank one day, and all of a sudden, the bank was robbed, and the woman was shot 3 times in the stomach. She was taken to a hospital, and she recovered quickly. Before she left the hospital, she turned to the doctor, and asked him how her baby was going to be. He replied, "Oh! You're going to have triplets! However, each bullet that was shot into you, a bullet went into every baby. But don't worry! The bullets will come out with natural metabolism." Time went on, and two girls and a boy were born. Twelve years later, one of the girls went up to the mother, and said, "Mommy! Mommy! I did something very strange!" "What did you do?" asked the mother. "I shit a bullet into the toilet!" The mother comforted her and explained about the incident at the bank. A month later, the other girl came crying up to the mother, and said, "Mommy! Mommy! I did a very bad thing!" "Let me guess," the mother replied, "you shit a bullet into the toilet, right?" The girl looked up to her and said, "Yes, how did you know?" The mother comforted her and explained about the incident at the bank. A couple of weeks passed, and the boy went up to the mother, and said, "Mommy! Mommy! I did a very bad thing!" "Let me guess," the mother replied," you put a bullet into the toilet, right?" "No," the boy replied," I was masturbating, and I shot the dog!"
Cold in the Cabin
A newly wedded couple decided to spend their honeymoon in a cabin in the woods during winter. The man went out to gather firewood, and he came back, and said to his wife, "Honey, my hands are really cold." So the woman replied, "Well, put them here between my thighs, and that'll warm them up." So the man put his hands between her thighs, and it warmed up his hands. Later, he went out to gather more firewood, and when he came back, he said to his wife, "Honey, my hands are really, really cold." So the woman replied, "Well, put them here between my thighs, and that'll warm them up." So the man put his hands between her thighs, and it warmed up his hands. Once they had run out of firewood again, the man went out to gather more, and when he came back, he said to his wife, "Honey, my hands are really, really, really cold." The woman looked at him, and said, "For God's sake! Don't your ears ever get cold?"
The Ladder of Success
A man was walking along, and he came to a ladder that led up to the sky, so he decided to climb it. He climbed up until he came to the first cloud, and there sat an extremely ugly woman. She said to him, "Fuck me now, or climb the ladder to success." The man wasted no time in climbing up the ladder to the second cloud, on which sat a woman easier on the eye, yet not real pretty all the same. The woman said to him, "Screw me now, or climb the ladder to success." The man decided to keep climbing until he came to the third cloud. There sat a gorgeous woman, and she said to him, "Screw me hard, or climb the ladder to success." The man decided to keep climbing until he came to the fourth cloud, on which sat a woman that was the model type...she was FINE! She said to the man, "Love me now, or climb the ladder to success." The man was the gambling type, so he kept climbing up the ladder until he came to the fifth cloud. The woman that sat there was 400 pounds, and horrific! She said to the man, "Hi! I'm Cess!"
Bill Gates's New Wife
Bill Gates married this one woman, and, as expected, later that night, they fell into bed. In the morning, the woman is FLAMING mad! Bill Gates is sitting on the bed, red with embarrassment. She points to him, and practically yells, "NOW I KNOW WHY YOU CALL YOUR COMPANY MICROSOFT!!"
The Three Roses
There was a woman that was getting her vaginal lips reduced, because she thought that they were too big. She was really embarrasses about this, so she asked the doctor not to tell anyone. The morning after her surgery when she woke up, there were three roses in a vase next to her bed. She got really upset about this, and when the doctor came in, she said to him, "How dare you tell anyone about my surgery!!" the doctor replied, "But I didn't..." "Then who are the roses from?" she asked. The doctor looked at the roses, then back at her and said, "Well, one's from me, because I knew how you felt about this and I didn't want you to feel bad about it." "Oh," she said, "then who's the second rose from?" "That one is from one of the nurses, because she went through the same surgery, and she didn't want you to feel alone," he replied. "Oh, then who gave me the third rose?" she asked. "Oh!" he exclaimed, "That one's from the guy down the hall. He wants to thank you for his new ears."
The Whorehouse
A man had just gotten out of jail, and he went straight to a whorehouse. He went up to the woman behind the front desk, and said to her, "I've got $242, so go get me a room." The woman said, "I'm sorry, but all the rooms are being used right now." The man yells at her, "LISTEN BITCH! I've got $242! Get me a room NOW!!" So the woman goes upstairs, finds a room, inflates a vinal person up, places it in the bed, and goes back downstairs. The woman said to the man, "OK, your room is ready. But whatever you do, don't turn on the lights, because she gets embarrassed." So the man goes up to the room, and fucks the inflated person for 2 hours. All of a sudden, he comes running downstairs, out of breath and white as a sheet. The woman asked him, "What's wrong?" The man replied, out of breath, "I bit her titty, the bitch farted, and flew out the wondow!!!!"
The Dead Whore
One man decided to start a whorehouse, but he didn't have a lot of money, so he couldn't find any good whores that would work for him. So, he went out into a graveyard, dug up a girl, and placed her in a bed. Three guys came and fucked her, and then a fourth guy came in, and right after he went up to the room, he came running back down. The man asked him, "What's wrong?" The guy replied, "The whore upstairs had white stuff dripping out of her eyes and her mouth and everywhere!!" The man replied, "Whoops! Room 1 is full!"