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What If
Billy Bob wanted a job as a signalman on the railways. He
was told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The
inspector asked, "What would you do if you realized that 2
trains were heading for each other on the same track?"
Billy Bob replied, "I would switch the points for one of the
trains."
"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.
"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Billy Bob,
"and I'd use the manual lever over there."
"What if that had been struck by lightning?"
"Then," Billy Bob continued, "I'd run back into the signal
box and phone the next signal box."
"What if the phone was engaged?"
"Well in that case," persevered Billy Bob, "I'd rush down
out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the
level crossing up there.",
"What if that was vandalized?"
"Oh, well then I'd run into the village and get my uncle."
Billy Bob answered, "Because he's never seen a train crash."
Support Blues
An End User rings Customer Support support to report that his
computer is faulty.
Customer Support: "What is the problem?"
End User: "There is smoke coming out of the power supply."
Customer Support: "You will need a new power supply."
End User: "No I don't! I just need to change the startup files!"
Customer Support: "The power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it."
End User: "No way! Someone told me that I just needed to
change the startup and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command."
10 minutes later, the End User is still adamant that they are right.
The Customer Support Engineer is frustrated. . . .
Customer Support: "Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our
customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command
that will fix the problem."
End User: "I knew it!"
Customer Support: "Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM
at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes."
10 minutes later.
End User: "It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking."
Customer Support: "Well, what version of DOS are you using?"
End User: "MS-DOS 6.22."
Customer Support: "That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes."
1 hour later.
End User: "I need a new power supply."
Customer Support: "How did you come to that conclusion?"
End User: "Well, I rang Microsoft and told him all about what you said, and the support person started asking questions about the make of power supply."
Customer Support: "Then what did he say?"
End User: "He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE."
Surprise !!
There was an aged pilot who was known for being obnoxious. Not only did the
flight attendents hate him for his crude remarks but the other pilots
despised him for giving all pilots a bad name.
Seems he was particularly infamous for calling the flight attendents in their
hotel rooms shortly after reaching the layover hotel. This call was generally
an indecent proposal. Although this proposition was universally declined, he
obviously maintained hope that some day his luck would change.
One evening after a long day he made his regular phone call to a young flight
attendant who had been very nice to him all day. With hopes high he suggested
that he come to her room. Being a new hire and impressed
with his position of authority she somewhat reluctantly agreed on the
condition that the other members of the crew be kept in the dark the
following day. Our intrepid aviator gladly agreed to her terms.
Thinking that he would make quick work of this neophyte he ran to the
elevator all the while thinking of the bragging rights that he would soon
have.
Reaching her room he found the door ajar. Upon entering he heard the shower
running. The young but not so innocent flight attendant called out to him,
"You'll find some wine on the desk. Why don't you pour a couple of glasses
and join me for a shower?"
Not believing his good fortune his trembling hands poured the wine and tore
off his clothes.
And with a drink in both hands he threw open the bathroom door. Inside he found the beautiful young flight attendant and the rest of the crew, fully clothed.
Goodnight Son
A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is
having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed. The next day,
Auntie Susie dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight.
His son is having another nightmare the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day,granddaddy dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight.
His son is having another nightmare the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.
The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The next day, the man is scared for his life - he is sure is going to die.
After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision.
He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk. Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife.
"Good God, Dear," he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!" She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on our doorstep this morning."
Hen-Pecked
Up in Heaven there are two lines. One has a sign that says
"If you were Henpecked line up here"
The other says "If you weren't henpecked stand here"
One day St. Peter was looking at the new arrivals and he saw the
"henpecked" line went on forever...while the "non-henpecked" line only had 1 guy standing in it.
St. Peter walked up to him and said "You mean to tell me you were never henpecked in your whole life??"
The guy said "Well I guess not....this is where my wife told me to stand"
THE THREE BEARS
The three bears had been having some trouble recently and
had ended up in family court. Momma and Poppa bear were
splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going
to live with.
So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought
about living with either of his parents. When he asked baby bear
about living with his father, baby bear said
"No, I can't live with Poppa bear, he beats me terribly."
"OK," said the judge, "then you want to live with your mother,
right?" "No way!" replied baby bear,
"She beats me worse than Poppa bear does."
The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn't quite know
what to do. "Well, you have to live with someone, so is
there any relatives you would like to stay with?" asked
the judge. "Yes," answered baby bear, "my aunt Bertha bear
who lives in Chicago."
"You're sure she will treat you well and won't beat you?"
asked the judge. "Oh definitely," said baby bear,
"the Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."
The Priest Pays A Visit
There was a priest who went to pay a visit to the home of a 92-year-old church
member. While she made tea, he looked around and saw a beautiful old organ
with a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was half filled with
water and a condom was floating on top of it. After tea, his curiosity got the
best of him and he asked her about it. She explained, "While in town, I found
a package on the sidewalk and took it home. The directions on the back said
'Keep wet and put on your organ to prevent disease' and you know, I think it
works; I haven't had a cold all winter..."
The Adopted Turtle
A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly. After long hours of effort,
he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until reaches
heavily into the ground with a hard knock over his shell. After recovering
his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and
knocks the ground heavily again. The little turtle insisted again and again
after each knock, while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch,
looking the turtle with pain..suddenly the female bird says to the male:
"Hey dear, I think it's time to tell our little turtle he is adopted"
Two Bit Girlfriend
A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. The side of his face is bruised and
bleeding so the bartender says "What in the world happened to you, buddy?"
The guy says "Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and called her a
two-bit tramp." "Yeah," says the bartender "What did she do?"
"She hit me with her bag of quarters" he replied.
The Energizer Bunny
I'm saddened to announce the passing of "THE ENERGIZER BUNNY"
His death occurred in the early morning on December 21, 1997.
The ENERGIZER BUNNY, known best for "going and going and going...
" passed away last evening at 12:42 a.m.
Upon completion of the autopsy early in the morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation. Foul play has not been ruled out.
Apparently, someone put the batteries in backwards and the bunny
was found just "coming and coming and coming..."
Circumciced
Fred goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, I want to be castrated."
Doc says, "Look, I don't know what kind of cult you're into or what your
motives are, but I'm not going to do that sort of operation."
Fred: "Doc, I just want to be castrated, and I'm a little embarrassed about
talking about it, but I have $5,000 cash right here. Will you do it?"
Doc says, "Well, OK, I guess I could make this one exception. I don't
understand it, but OK." He puts Fred to sleep, does the trick, and is waiting at the bedside when Fred wakes up.
"Well, Doc, how'd it go?" Fred asks.
"It went fine, just fine. It's really not too difficult of an operation. As a matter of fact, $5,000 is a lot to pay for such a simple task, and I felt a little guilty about taking that much. So, while I was operating, I also noticed that you had never been circumcised, so I went ahead and did that, too. I think, it's really better for a man to be circumcised, and I hope you don't mind my..."
"CIRCUMCISED!" yells Fred. "THAT'S the word!!!"
Flying
A photographer from a well known national magazine was
assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park.
The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of
the fire fighters as they battled the blaze.
When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke
was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it
impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level.
He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from
the air. His request was approved and arrangements were
made. He was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane
would be waiting for him.
He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near
the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!"
The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within
minutes they were in the air.
The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two
or three low passes so I can take some pictures." "Why?"
asked the pilot. "Because I am a photographer," he
responded, "and photographers take photographs."
The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered,
"You mean you're not the flight instructor!!!?"
Childhood Diseases
Two newlyweds went on their honeymoon and were getting undress together for the first time.
He took off his shoes and socks amd his toes were all
twisted and discolored.
" What happened to your feet"? His wife asked.
"I had a childhood disease called tolio.
"Don't you mean polio."She said.
"No tolio-it only affected my toes".
He then removed his pants and revealed an awful looking pair of knees.
" What happened to your knees?"she asked.
"Well, I had kneesles"he said.
" Don't you mean measles? she asked
"No kneesles, it only affects the knees"
Well he then removed his shorts and his wife gasped and said
"Don't tell me you had smallcox too!!!!!"
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March 12,2005
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