Melissa Rose was born March 5, 1992, two days after she died, March 3, 1992.
The pregnancy was going very well, I was at 26 weeks and 5 days. Just as well as the pregnancy with my first living daughter. I was the picture of health, glowing, radiant in fact. I was so happy and high on life. I went to my regular Doctor's appointment and the "new" nurse could not find the heart beat so she called in an "old" (experienced) nurse, in to try, and she too could not find it. My heart and mind were racing and my little girl Susie who was 12 months and 3 weeks old at the time was climbing all over me. I remember trying to get her to sit still because I knew I had to concentrate and will everything to be all right. When I told her to sit still she said "I don't wanna" and I said to her "you don't always get what you want". Those words still haunt me today. They were the last words spoken before I was told my baby had died. The old nurse had told me not to worry because the doctor could always find the heart beat and the doctor couldn't find it either. He sent out for the Ultra Sound and looked and looked. They wouldn't let me look at the screen. The time was an eternity. I was trying to read his face and it didn't look good. Finally he said," I'm sorry, your baby has died." I remember the most awful sound had come out of me. It was the sound of death. My heart had not only been broken but ripped to shreds. The memories still seem dreamlike. I remember everything vividly but the pictures are fuzzy and in slow motion. The "old" nurse stayed with me to help me get dressed because I had to go into the doctor's office to talk about what to do next and I didn't want to get dressed, I didn't want to go into the doctor's office, I just wanted this nightmare to end. I couldn't think.
The nurse said to me "At least you have a beautiful daughter, (meaning Susie). I was so angry!! I know she meant no harm but all I could think of was, that because I had one child I was not entitled to another. I had already had 10 confirmed miscarriages (but the doctor thought I probably had more)before Susie. I felt that I paid my dues and enough dues for any number of people. The doctor told me my options, none of them good. I didn't want to face the reality let alone act upon it.
My husband was out of town. I didn't even know how to reach him. He had just left that morning. The doctor wouldn't let me leave his office alone. We didn't have any family in the city we were living in. I called a number of friends; none at home. I finally reached one who said "You're kidding" (OH PLEASE!! I have a better sense of humor than that). My head was spinning and time was moving soooo slow. I finally called my husband's employer, I didn't want them to know before my husband but they knew where he was. They were actually quite wonderful. One of his co-workers met me and took me to the airport to meet him and then took us back to her home so we could regroup. Meanwhile his boss, reached Scott and got him on the next fight home. We had so many things to do and not enough time to think. We had to call our parents, we had to find someone to stay with Susie (I was so afraid to leave her).We have found people can be wonderful if you let them.
We went in the next morning to induce labor. No one would let me look at the nursery to see the babies. I really wanted to look because I needed to know miracles do happen (even if not to me) and because I was really hoping the doctor was wrong, they would find the heart beat now. She must have been in a position that they just didn't see or hear it. I know I was grasping but what else could I do. They induced labor but the contractions were not registering on their monitors so they said I wasn't. We were timing them at 5 minutes about at 3:00 PM but they didn't believe it. They claimed that a c-section was not good for my health and they didn't want to give me too strong a medication because they needed to know how much pain I was in so I didn't tear my uterus due to the last c-section. I didn't care. I no longer had plans for my reproductive organs. I could not understand how they could let me be in such physical pain when they should have known I was in such mental pain. It is just so unfair. At 11:00 the nurse said if I would just sleep I would fee better. The contractions were a minute apart and lasting 30 seconds, Yeah I could sleep. I was raised to be polite especially to authority but I lost it when the nurse told me that she had had a miscarriage the year before at that was a lot worse... Was she nuts, or just vicious??? I was no longer being nice. I turned into something similar to the scenes in the Excorcist! I had nothing to lose. My baby was gone, my dream dead. At the time I didn't know it was a girl, but that was what we were hoping for. The girls would be 13 months apart. I dreamt of them dressing alike, taking dance lessons together after all they would be adorable. Well my beautiful Sweet Melissa Rose was born at 3:30 am on March 5, 1992.She looked just like her sister. She was 1 pound 3.2 ounces. 13 inches long. She had dark fuzz for hair just like Susie. She was my dream. We weren't' planning her pregnancy but she was wanted so very much. I feel guilty when I say she wasn't planned. I also cringe when I remember saying "What will I do with 2 so close to together in age" I really wish I had the chance.
She died due to cardiac arrest due to her cord being tied in a true knot. Being that it was 3:30 in the morning and seeing that she was not alive, somehow there wasn't anyone to call with the news. I held her and sang to her. (Amazing Grace which I no longer can sing without crying). I sang that to her because that song always calmed her sister down. And it is also the only song I could think of.My husband had to leave the room because it was just to painful for him to watch me. When they took her for the last time, I thought I would die and at the time I know I was wishing I would. My arms and heart ached more than I thought possible. But obviously not more than I could bear.
We were sent to a room on a wing with no other patients,I felt ostracized. Like I was contaminated. The only contact we had was 3 hours later when the doctor signed me out.
It has been the rockiest road I have ever traveled. All I ever wanted, was to have children and to be a mom; but it was not an easy project. After at least 10 miscarriages, I finally found a fertility doctor to listen to me. I happened to be pregnant on my first visit with him and after a lot of test he determined my body did not make the progesterone to sustain a pregnancy until the sac is made. He gave me shots of progesterone and suppositories for 12 weeks. Other than that the pregnancy was perfect. I thought,now I can have the family I have always dreamed of.. Susie was born 2-12-91 by c-section for fetal distress but everything was fine. We had the beginning of our family.
Then Melissa was born and died. I don't know why God let this happen to us. I always prayed that if I wasn't meant to have a baby please don't let me get pregnant with all the miscarriages. I was just so sure of myself after Susie. I felt invinceable. How innocent I was. I never would have imagined so much pain and anguish. I don't believe that Melissa's death was God's will. I'm not sure what it was.
A friend of mine who also lost a daughter shared her belief with me; she said since we both lost our daughters at the stage of life we both loved (mine being new born and hers being 5 years old) that when we got to heaven we would be able to enjoy that stage for eternity. I hope so. Every year, we owned our house in Florida, I planted a pink rosebush for my sweet angel. The rose garden is still there. We have been renting the past two years so I have been unable to continue my memorial but.. I will again someday and I still admire every rose I see.
On her birthday, I watch her Ultra sound video, and read all the cards from her birth and I cry. It is my private time with her alone when I sing Amazing Grace again.. I still ache to hold her but now I welcome the ache because that is all I have left of her.
Thanks for letting me tell you all about her. I feel that I'm the only one who ever knew her My husband never even felt her move as she was quite tricky and would stop moving when he tried. (I feel privileged to conceive her, carry her and give birth to her. There was a line in Steel Magnolias that really touched my soul.. " I was so lucky, I was there when this special creature came into my life and I was there when she left")
If you are looking for support in another pregnacy,SPALS is a wonderful group.
giving me this award!
This is what she said when she gave me the award, it touched my heart so much I wanted to share:For your faith and courage in the face of tragedy, for showing other's what strength and unconditional love is all about, your site is inspiring to all. I present you with this award, "On Eagles Wings" given in memory of all those we have loved and lost.
Thank you Elizabeth for this award.
Thank you Elizabeth for this award.
A very dear friend of mine gave me this award. I am her very her first recipiant and I am so very touched by her kindness. To apply for this award or to nominate another go to http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Acres/6725/apply.html
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