LET'S TALK

Advice for rats, from rats

WHAT DO I DO IF MY RAT IS SNEEZING?

First of all, are these rapid, nonstop sneezes (not normal) or once-in-awhile sneezes (normal)? If you are sneezing all the time, and your human sees moisture or porphorin (red pigmentation that looks like blood) on your eye or nose area, you may be ill or allergic to something.

We carry (well, most of us) mycoplasmosis, a bacterial disease. It's not going to infect your human, but it can shorten your lifespan if not properly cared for. Myco (as humans call it) doesn't kill us; it's the secondary infections, like pneumonia, caused by the myco that kill. Myco seems to flare up after we have undergone some stress. Many humans see us sneezing soon after arriving home from the petstore, or after we have had a scare. So, what can you humans do?

Find a vet in your area who has knowledge of rat physiology. We are fortunate indeed to have Dr. Tom Reed of Albany's VCA Animal Hospital near us. We worship the ground he walks on and have set up a small shrine to his further glorification, complete with corn offerings. We're also talking to the Vatican about sainthood but that's another story.

Have your human take you to the vet for a checkup. If your vet agrees that you have a respirtory infection, you will probably be given an antiobiotic like Clavimox. Be brave...take your medicine like a good rat. Don't spit it back on your human, don't wiggle and scream, and, for goodness sake, don't bite. It's for your own good.

If your human keeps on top of the treatments, and keeps an ear open for more sneezing, you will probably have a normal life. It's only when myco is ignored that it kills.

Another reason you may be sneezing is bad bedding. Are you sitting on pine or cedar shavings? This WILL NOT DO!!! Rats (and other rodents) should never be put on pine or cedar. Both woods contain phenol oils which are very harsh on the lining of the lungs. We repeat, do not let yourself be put on pine or cedar. If you have the added stress of having myco, you can imagine what this will do for your health. Instead, ask your human to go buy another brand of litter. We highly recommend Carefresh animal bedding, made from recycled wood pulp. It's wonderful stuff, with no dust or dirt or phenol oils to irritate your lungs. Your human might also try Sanichips, made from aspen chips. We have heard that some rats live on rabbit pellets, but these are messy and have to be changed quite often.

WHAT DO I DO IF MY HUMAN IS SNEEZING?

Observe your human for signs of infection. They get things called colds. Your human will find the need to "blow its nose" often. Here is where you come in. Wait until your human falls asleep in bed or on the couch. Go to that box that they keep getting the tissue from. Now, tip it over. A wondrous heap of clean, white kleenex will be yours for the taking. Act quickly, before your human wakes up and finds its kleenex has disappeared. If you're really fast, you can relay the tissue back to your cage before your human wakes up.

WHAT DO I DO IF MY RAT WON'T EAT FRESH FOOD?

It is the rare rattie that won't eat any fresh food, but some are pickier than others. We had one heck of a time convincing our human that we really did want baked beans. By trial and error, your human will discover what fresh foods you like. We suggest coming out at your human's feeding time and inspecting his or her plate. Be specific about what you wish to eat from the plate. Don't gently nibble on the corn...jump into the middle of it and start stuffing it in your face. Don't poke the spinach with your paw...grab a hunk and chow down. Don't just look at the chicken with pleading eyes...wrestle it to the floor and cram it under the sofa.

WHAT DO I DO IF MY HUMAN WON'T EAT FRESH FOOD?

Call his or her mother and tattle.

WHAT DO I DO IF MY RAT GETS HURT?

It's rare that we manage to injure ourselves, but when we do, your human should have a first aid kit on hand. The kit should contain styptic powder (KwikStop is one brand) which is useful for stopping bleeding toenails. The kit should also contain hydrogen peroxide for cleansing wounds, tweezers for pulling out splinters, gauze for temporarily wrapping wounds, and anything else your human thinks would be suitable.

Occasionally we have major disagreements in our cage over who gets the last yogurt drop (more on those later) or who gets the best spot on the hammock. We have been known to bite eachother. A rat bite looks pretty serious since we slash with our front teeth. But don't worry...ask your human to gently cleanse the wound with hydrogen peroxide. We have amazing healing abilities and within a few days, the boo-boo will be nicely scabbed over and mending. Ask your human to keep an eye on your boo-boo and keep cleaning it for a few days.

WHAT DO I DO IF MY HUMAN GETS HURT?

Let's face it, humans are not the most graceful of animals. They can't even lick their own backs. So when your human falls down and breaks its leg, or arm, or worse, you will have a great opportunity for decorating the cast. We'll leave it to you to figure out how...

WHAT DOES YOUR HUMAN DO IF YOU ESCAPE FROM YOUR CAGE?

From time to time, you will be seized by wanderlust, the desire to get free from your cage and run amok, stealing socks, papers and whatever else you can get your teeth on. While this sounds great to you, your human will have a small fit when he or she sees you gone. They may actually start crying, which is good for your ego. We can, however, suggest some "tricks" you can teach your human which will result in your allowing yourself to be caught and getting rewarded at the same time.

There is a product called "Yogurt Drops". They come in all sorts of flavors...orange, berry, veggie, and honey. They are basically rat candy and really aren't too good for you. However, here's how you get around that. Escape from your cage when your human isn't watching. Go hide...really well. Now, here is the hard part. You must teach your human to shake the yogurt drop box and make noise, all the while calling out "Bayyy-beees" in a high-pitched voice. This serves two purposes. First of all, the use of the voice will wake you up from your snuggly bed of chewed up socks, dust bunnies and stray bits of papers. Now that you are awake, you will hear the box being shaken. This means...RAT CANDY FOR YOU!!! Come out right away and you will be rewarded with rat candy, kisses, and wails of happiness. Wait two hours....escape again. Repeat ad nauseum.

WHAT TO DO ABOUT A BITING RAT?

NEVER...NEVER bite your human. They do not understand. If you are hurt or very frightened, that's one thing. But never bite out of sheer malice. You may find yourself on the wrong end of the family cat.

We had a friend once...let's call her Moth. Moth bit our human all the time. Our human tried all sorts of tricks to get her to stop biting. Tabasco sauce, small finger flicks on the nose, and retraining to approach her hand...nothing worked. Moth had become what we refer to as...a "hamster" rat. No, she didn't eat her young, she tried to eat our human's fingers. Our human finally had to let her be and never handled her again. Moth lived out her days in our cage, shunned by us and unloved. She deserved it.

WHAT DO I DO IF MY HUMAN KISSES ME?

Yes, it's true. Your human may feel moved to kiss you all over your little rat self. It's terrifically embarrassing but it happens. Just relax and go with it...it will soon be over. Once back in your cage, clean, clean, clean. Humans have very dirty mouths and there's no telling what they've just put on your fur. Honestly, the things we have to put up with.

WHAT TO DO IF YOUR HUMAN WANTS TO GET A NEW RAT WHILE YOU ARE STILL IN RESIDENCE

There you are, minding your own business when suddenly your human throws a new baby rat into your cage. What do you do? You rush over, roll the baby onto its back, and sit on it to teach it whose cage this is. Unfortunately, your human will be convinced that you are killing the baby. So here's what we recommend for painless introductions.

Before your human buys that new baby rat, they must clean your cage completely, top to bottom. They should wash the cage with a 4 parts water-1 part bleach solution and rinse REALLY well. Clean all toys and food dishes with dish soap. Launder all hammocks and fabric toys.

Okay, here's the really bad part. If it's warm out, your human will have to give you a bath. That's right, a bath. They should use very gentle shampoo and scrub you really well, making sure NO water gets up your nose. Then they will dry you off with a towel and a blowdryer set on low heat. Then...we shiver to write this...they will dab you with cooking vanilla...near your private parts. If this weren't bad enough, they will dab you with vanilla all over your body and near (not in) your nose.

But don't feel tooo bad...the baby will be getting the vanilla treatment too!

Then they will put you back in your cage and whoa! there will be that new baby. Since you don't want another bath and vanilla rubdown, you will leave the baby alone. You will act like you love the little goblin. You will even sleep with it. Anything to avoid another bath. Pretty soon, you'll get used to the little troll and your human will be happy...until the next one arrives. At that point, see our advice on escaping.

WHAT DO I DO IF MY HUMAN GETS A NEW HUMAN WHO DOESN'T LIKE RATS?

Your human may, at some point in your life, introduce another human into your life. This human may not like rats. Consider this a challenge to be met and conquered. Summon up all your vast personal charm. Brux your teeth, close your eyes, and lay your head on the new human's hand. Roll on your back and show your tummy. Wave your legs lazily in the air. Soon the strange human will be totally smitten.

WHAT ABOUT THAT BABYTALK?

From time to nauseating time, your human will pick you up, gaze adoringly into your eyes, and start speaking absolute nonsense. You will hear phrases like "Ooos a preddie rhattie?" and "Oooo, what a sweeeeet puddin'" and (worst of all) "Oooos mama's preshush darling?" Your first inclination will be to throw up all over your human's nose, but we all know rats lack the regurgitation reflex. We find that just hanging limply in their hands and suffering through this barage of infantile gurgling is the best way to deal with this indignity.

BOYS VERSUS GIRLS

Okay, for us girls this is a no-brainers. I mean, we like each other just fine (especially every fourth day or so) but nothing smells like a boy rat. A fat boy rat will make you swoon. Our human used to have two boy rats and she says there's nothing sluttier than a boy rat. They will do anything for cuddles. If your human wants "lap rats", he or she should get boys. If your human wants "go-go rats", he or she should get girls. It's that simple.

Back to the Rat's Guide to Responsible Human Ownership