Little Paul, My Angel in Heaven.
On May 19th 1992, I went into pre term labor. This was my first baby
so I was not sure what I was feeling, not to mention the fact
that I was out of town visiting my parents about an hour
and a half away from home. About 2 in the morning I woke
up having pains. I called my husband to tell him that my
mom and I were on are way. I was not about to go through
this away from him. The whole way there I was so scared that
we would have to pull over and have my mom deliver the
baby. We made it to our house and my husband Paul was still
sleeping. I believe he thought that he was dreaming when
I called because he did not remember that I had called to
tell him that we were coming .
We called the doctor when we arrived at my house and
he instructed us to go to the hospital. We arrived
and they tried everything to stop the labor, but
Lil Paul was ready and so were we. By this time it
was about 4:00am in the morning on May 20th. The
doctor finally showed up and he decided to break my
water, but no water came out. I thought this
was normal, I did not know any better. My labor
progressed and it was time to have him. I pushed
forever to get him out I think he was so weak that
he could not help me, and of course this being my
first child I wanted to do it the natural way. It
was about 12:07 P.M. when he was finally born.
We still did not know that anything would be wrong.
The doctors right away knew that something was wrong.
They did not even let me hold him they were to busy
trying to start his breathing. They immediately
rushed him off to the nursery where my husband followed.
Soon after I was able to go to the nursery to see him.
I had waited so anxiously to love and cuddle my sweet baby.
What a horrible nightmare that was! He had tubes coming
out of him everywhere. I really did not expect this.
I thought everything was going to be fine. Little did I know.
They then informed us that they were going to rush him
off to a Children's Hospital nearby that could care for him
and diagnose his problem. They told us that it could be a
tumor or some kind of growth. The thought
of them taking my little angel to a completely different
place was awful for me to bare. I was in so much shock already.
They brought him by my room in this little covered bubble
bed that ran on batteries. They only gave me a second to
touch his tiny little beautiful hands and blow him a kiss
goodbye. I can't even describe the pain I felt at that moment.
I could not leave yet so my husband went to other hospital
shortly after. I received a call from Paul just a short
time later and he told me that Lil Paul had Autosomal
Recessive Polycystic kidney Disease(ARPKD) . It was a complete
shock, I had never heard of this disease before in my
life. All I could think about OK "how can they fix it".
He then proceeded to tell me that there was nothing they
could do. All I could think is," why my baby"? Then I
immediately started trying to find my doctor. I was
leaving to be with my baby, I did not care what anyone said,
needless to say, my doctor released me to go and be with our son.
I can still very vividly remember feeling the pain I had in my stomach.
Just like a huge knot. How was I going to get through this?
We arrived at the hospital to see our baby boy who we
named Paul Kevin Jr., after his daddy. He was just lying
still on the baby incubator with all the tubes still in him
and his chest was pumping up and down so hard. The doctors
said he had no chance for survival, since his lungs were so
underdeveloped he would not make it through a transplant
operation. They let us spend as much time as we wanted with him,
holding him and taking pictures rocking him and just being
with him. I remember how I just combed his little beautiful
black hair. Oh the pain we felt. Our main concern at the
time was whether or not he was in any pain? They told us that
he was on a high dose of pain medication and he felt no
pain so that made us feel better. Well really how much better could you feel?
The doctors let us know that the ventilator was working so hard for him
that the sooner we turned off everything the better.
His lungs were so under developed that it could make them
burst and then they would have to open his chest to insert
another tube. We wanted to avoid this so we decided to
go ahead and let him go peacefully.
We held him a little longer, sang to him rocked him, and showed him that
we loved him dearly and were there to comfort him. When it
came time I to this day regret that I could not be there to
hold and comfort him while the machines were unhooked.
At the time I just felt like I could not stand the thought
of seeing my poor baby take his last breath. That would
have haunted me forever, well now it haunts me that I was
so scared to be there. Thank God that my husband Paul and
both of our mothers were there. They all three stayed with
Lil Paul. At the time I thought this was best, but now I
really do hate myself for it. I try not to think about it as
much as possible, but I do know that he felt my everlasting
love for him and I don’t doubt that at all. I carried him
for 8 months, sang to him, rocked him, and loved him so I think that counts too.
This is for you little Paul.
I love you my sweet little Angel baby!
Your memory will live on forever in our family.
I would like to thank my Sister-in-Law Lara for creating this image in Memory of our Precious son Paul Kevin Welch Jr. Please take the time to visit her homepage, and Thank her too.
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