From Streams in the Desert, Volume 5 "When children die, people talk of a life unfinished, of buds broken off before their bloom. But how do we know that is was not the bud God wanted? We never gather a bouquet but we think the buds the finest part. A bud is just as perfect as a flower, only it is not a flower. But shall not God be permitted to have buds in His bouquet, whose fragrance is to perfume the altar in the temple above? An acorn is just as finished as an oak; a cherub is as perfect as an archangel. What mother thinks the cooing babe, or laughing boy of three, any less perfect or beautiful that grown-up men and women? Is there not about them, rather, a grace that is peculiarly their own? And how dark our life would be without them! And shall God have no babes, no children, in His beautiful house on high? Must all wait until they be grey, and then go tottering over the threshold of that upper Home? Or shall not, rather, the glad, gleesome children, with flowing hair and marry, laughing eyes, go smiling through the doorways to meet 'their angels' who 'do always behold the face of their Father in heaven'? Cannot God be as kind to them as we can, and watch them as tenderly?"
Three days before Chirstmas, 1999, my husband and I went to the doctor for an ultrasound. I was 20 weeks pregnant, so this ultrasound was going to tell us the gender of our third baby. Needless to say we were both very excited! But our joy turned quickly to sorrow as the ultrasound did not show us the gender of our child, but that he had died. Being so far along, labor had to be induced, and 8 hours later I delivered our son who had died at least a week before. We named him Zachary Ryan. Although I will never know him as a man here on Earth, I know he's in the hands of God. Time has eased the pain, but I don't think I will ever be completely over losing my baby. Nor am I sure I want to be. I don't want to forget him, the little man I felt move only a few times, and only got to hold once. I am by no means an expert on how a mother is supposed to feel, I only know how I feel. I want something positive to come out of our loss, although right now I'm not sure how to go about doing that. All I do know is that I treasure each day I have with the children I have been blessed enough to keep, because life never goes as you plan, and you never know how much time you have left with the ones you love. One thing I found that helped me (I still do this, too. Just not as often as at first) was writing in a journal. I felt that the people around me had to be getting tired of me talking about Zachary, although no one ever said or did anything to make me feel this way. So when I felt I had no one to talk to, I would write me feelings down. At times I think that journal kept me from going crazy or into a deep depression. Right now I am trying to put a few sites here that I have found helpful. As the days go by, I find I need the help less. However, some days are worse than others, and I go back to the places and people that have helped me the most. I don't see this becoming a huge link page like the homeschool page, because this is incredibly personal, and not for information only. I hope I can help ease someone else's suffering, while I try to cope with my own. Also, if you need someone to talk to, please feel free to e-mail me. I know I had a hard time finding people to talk to who really knew what I was going through when I got to the point of wanting to talk. Here's my e-mail address: Mail me
Pen Parents
Miscarriage Support
Christian Miscarriage Support Group