Divorce is about loss and change. Continuity is important
to children and teens and they do not always welcome change and
upheavel.
divided loyalties
People will tell you that divorce is common and lots of parents
split up but when it happens to you it still feels like the
end of the world. You will probably have all kinds of feelings
about it and some of them may be hard to deal with or to put
into words. In the end though, you will come through this difficult
period and feel able to move on.
Seven common
questions about divorce:
Is it my fault?
NO, divorce is never your fault. Diviorce is about the marriage,
not the children. Nothing you did made it happen.
Why didn’t my parents tell me this
was coming?
Your parents may not have known themselves; or they were
hoping things would work out and they were trying to protect
you.
What will happen now?
You may experience a lot of changes. It may hep to have an
idea of what those changes might include. Will you have to move?
Change school? Help around the house more?
Why won’t my parents talk to me about
their divorce?
Parents often think that talking about the divorce will only
make things worse and thye might feel so bad about what they
have done to you that it may be hard to face you, let alone talk
to you about the changes.
Should I try to work things out?
The best thing you can do is to try and keep out of the
disagreement between your parents. If they can work it out they
will, you most likely won’t be able to repair what is broken
between them. If you take sides now, it will make things harder
later on.
Why are my parents acting so
strange?
Both of your parents are just as upset about their divorce
as you are and this may lead them to behave strangely at times.
Don’t be surprised if they cry, shout, dress differently, or
seem moody and unable to concentrate. This will pass.
Will my Mom and Dad be okay on their
own?
Things will be different, but they will manage. Resist the
urge to take over; your love and support will be precious to
them but they also need to feel that you have confidence in their
ability to cope with this situation.
Don’t panic if
...
You experience strong feelings. You may hate your parents
one minute and love them the next, may behave badly to people
chlose to you and may feel confused, lost, miserable and angry
a lot of the time. This is all part of dealing with what has
happened - you are not going crazy, this is normal.
You may have problems at school during this time. It’s
often harder to concentrate when things are going wrong at home.
You may feel totally cut off and like you couldn’t care
about aything; sometimes this is the easiest way to cope.
I don’t want my parents to separate!
:
Sometimes in life as adults, we find that we can no longer live with
the life partner that we have chosen. This can happen for many different
reasons, but almost none of the time is the reason our children. However,
whenever children are involved, they are certainly affected by what is occurring.
The affect on the children is that they will spend all or most of their time
either with one or the other parent or in transit between two homes. Your
parents can go to counseling to see if they can be helped to resolve the
problems or differences that seem to be between them. Sometimes this is
helpful and sometimes not. Unfortunately, your desire to keep your parents
together and in one household may not led to their staying together.
What do I do? :
You may not be able to keep your parents together, but you can make sure
that your questions, fears and needs are heard and answered! Again, the strongest
suggestion is that you not hold these feelings, questions or fears inside.
You must find someone you trust to talk with about how you feel, about your
questions, and about your fears.
My parents are making me choose between
them and I can’t or don’t want to! :
You should take some time and write down the things that you are feeling.
We suggest writing your feelings down because writing gives you the chance
to organize the things that you want to say and to make sure that you get
to say all the things that you want to say.
This actually happened to a friend of Kids-in-Crisis. In his situation,
he did not want to choose between his parents as he had the same loving feeling
for both of them and did not feel that it was fair for him to choose between
wanting to live with one instead of the other parent. Instead of choosing
one parent, this friend wanted to live with his uncle’s family. After discussing
this with his uncle, our advise was for this friend to write a letter to the
judge who was assigned to his parents divorce to explain his feelings and
wishes to the judge. Since it is the judge who ultimately makes the decision
about custody of children.
Our advise was to write the letter, let his uncle read the letter, then
send the letter to the judge, and then to share the letter with his parents.
We suggested this procedure to ensure that our friend’s feelings and wishes
were presented to the judge prior to either of his parents or their attorneys
having a chance to limit his access to the judge. Again, we suggested writing
so that he could make sure that he got to say all the things he wanted to
in exactly the way he wanted and not forget anything.
What Does Divorce Mean?