Our Angel
"Hope"

My Story

Patrick and I had been dating eight years and had a son together Sept. 1998 we decided to get married. Our wedding day was planned for December 19, 1998. So excited we had also talked of having other children. Soon after we were married I thought I might be pregnant. I got a pregnancy test, it came out positive! WOW, we were so happy! I was only two weeks pregnant and I could already feel pregnant. I just knew we had been blessed. We went on with our lives and preparing for our new family member. Since everything I had when Keelan (our son) was born was borrowed, we bought everything new. We were preparing a beautiful nursery. I wanted everything perfect, I bought everything I could get my hands on, from diapers, clothes, and bottles.

I was so certain we were having a boy that we named our baby Owen. Keelan loved to tell people, my mommy is having a baby and his name is Owen. He was so excited to become a big brother. My pregnancy was good no problems, I felt great as good as you can feel when your pregnant. Later in my pregnancy my doctor had scheduled an ultrasound, just to see the baby's size and to confirm my due date. It was just routine, Patrick and I were so excited to see our baby. We went to my appointment on June 23, as the technician was looking at or baby, she asked if I had other children with abnormalities or if I had ever miscarried. I said no. I asked her why she wanted to know. She replied, "Oh it's just routine." I thought ok. I then asked her if everything was where it should be, oh yes she said everything is perfect. We left the hospital happy and even more excited then before.

Monday June 27 I got a phone call from my doctors office saying that my doctor wanted to discuss the results of my ultrasound right away and if I could come in the next morning. I started to worry, why would my doctor want to see me right away? I let my husband know what was going on, he thought we might be caring twins since I had gained alot of weight. He was not worried very much so that help to ease my mind. The next morning I got to my doctor's office, my doctor came in and right away I could tell on her face that she had bad news for me. First she said not to worry but that the technician could not locate any kidneys and that there was very little amniotic fluid. She also said that, the technician was probably wrong, and to make certain of the results she had made me an appointment with a specialist who would do a fetal ultrasound. With a fetal ultrasound they could see much better. I was devastated. I cried all the way home, I kept asking God why me. When Patrick came home I explained to him the little details that I had. I don't think that he could rely understand the extreme problem our baby might have.

The following Friday came along I had to go to my appointment with the specialist, by that time I convinced myself that every thing was going to work out. I walked in to see this doctor, the nurse prepped me up and started looking at the baby, she was very silent she said the doctor would be right in. The doctor came later and as he was looking around at our baby he asked me if I was here by myself. Just then I knew he would tell me what I didn't want to hear. He said just the same as my own doctor said but he also added that he wanted to have an other specialist to take a look at our baby. He asked if my husband could come along next time. The next week came along, my husband and I went to see another doctor, we walked in the office and next came in the doctor with a hospital counselor. They explained to us that our baby had a fatal condition and that our baby would not survive after birth . They were not even sure if our baby would make it to term. My first thought was to terminate this pregnancy, I begged them to induce me now, they said it was not in my best interest healthwise.

I became depressed, I was in shock, I kept on asking God how he could have let this happen to me! I had to work, I had no choice I was self-employed. Every day I had to face my clients, they would all ask so how are you doing, they would smile not knowing the pain I was in. They would ask, are you hoping for a boy or a girl. I would say, oh as long as it's healthy and then I would smile. I should have gotten an Oscar my acting was so good.

For the two & half months I had left to go through all I could do was pray to God that my baby would be healthy.I was asking God for a miracle .Later the word had gotten around about our baby, we had ministers stopping by often to pray with us and also my husband's parents asked there church to start a prayer ring. We had lots of support,it still could not ease our pain. I just wanted to believe that God would answer all of our prayers. September 19, I felt very tired that day I worked all day cleaning the house. I guess I wanted to get this labor started well it worked. That night contractions started, I did not sleep at all. I was so scared of the outcome. We made our way to the hospital. When we arrived and got settled in we were bombarded by all sorts of specialists. They all wanted to know if we wanted them to do everything possible to keep our baby alive or to let our baby die peacefully and also if we had considered organ donation. I could not handle any of that at the time I just had one request, that was to give me a cesarean so that our baby would not have to go through the trauma of natural birth I was afraid that our baby would die during birth, so I just wanted to have our baby die in our arms, I just wanted to here the first cry and see our baby move. The doctors agreed.

Our baby was born on September 20 at 10:30 am. She survived full term, we had a daughter a beautiful baby girl. I heard her cry and saw her move. She was then taken away for tests to confirm she had no kidneys. Shortly later she was brought back to us, where some of our family members were there to meet her. We called our daughter Hope, since that's all I had during my pregnancy was hope that she would be healthy. Hope lived for three hours just long enough for my uncle to baptize her. Hope died peacefully in mommy's arms.

She is now our angel and I believe she looks after her mommy daddy and big brother Keelan. I can now say that I'm glad I continued with my pregnancy, I can also say I held an angel in my arms. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason in life. One day I will understand why God chose me to carry his precious angel.