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updated April 9, 2001
Dilbert's Words of Wisdom
1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't
looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go
flying by.
3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
4. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days the statue.
5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first
time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
6. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to
myself, Where the heck is the ceiling?
8. My Reality Check bounced.
9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
10. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
11. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
12. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, cuz you are crunchy and taste good
with ketchup.
13. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
14. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you
with experience.
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Young Football Fan
A sports reporter for the Sun-Times is walking through Chicago's Grant Park
when he notices two boys playing football. Out of nowhere, a pit bull attacks
one of the boys and begins mauling him. The other boy, having no choice, finds
a large branch and clubs the dog over the head with it, killing the dog. The
shocked reporter rushes over to the two boys, and after finding out they were
all right, offers to write a story about the heroic little boy. Since the
reporter was a sports reporter, he decided to give his headline a sports slant:
"Young Chicago Bears Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal" the little
boy looks at the headline and says, "Sorry mister, but I'm not a Bears
fan. The reporter stops writing and says, "Oh, well since you were playing
football and were in Chicago, I just assumed you were a Bears fan." And so
the reporter begins a new headline: "Little Minnesota Vikings Fan Fends
Off Mad Dog Attack" The little boy looks at the headline and shakes his
head. "I'm not a Vikings fan either, mister," says the boy. The reporter
erases his headline again and says, "Gee, I thought every kid in the
Midwest was either a Bears or Vikings fan. To save time, why don't you just
tell me what team you do root for. The little boy smiles and says, "I'm a
Green Bay Packers fan. " The reporter nods and begins his final headline
"Little Cheesehead Bastard Murders Beloved Family Pet"
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