Writing

  updated Sunday, March 28, 2004 10:23:55 PM

Years ago I started writing, never was it meant to be published, just my way of getting a grip on a situation. It seemed as though writing helped  me to look at things from a different angle.

I have to laugh now, it sure wasn't funny at the time, but you wouldn't believe how often I found my own self at fault while reading it over. I polished and kept a few pieces over the years,  now when I read back  I can tell how deeply I was affected by each situation.

I thank God every day I was able to climb those mountains these pieces referred to.  I have posted them here,  hoping I can help others in some small way.  Even if it is just to let them know  they are not alone.
"Someone, Somewhere has been there before."

  I am worth while!

  Life goes on.

  The search.

  The wall.

 Regrets Anyone?

Letting go

I am worthwhile!

I have done nothing that will go down in history
as either remarkable or deplorable.
I am one strong link in a chain
that will go on for eternity.

I have not been broken by the torments of life
nor do I feel that I have weakened
In effect, the trials of parenthood have only proven
to make me a stronger clasp
in the necklace that goes on forever.

A pearl begins as a grain of sand
giving irritation to its environment.
I have become that pearl,
growing because of the irritation
the environment has given me.

Each dust storm has given me another sheen
that adds to the beauty of tolerance,
understanding and kindness
all mothers choose to show

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Life Goes On

I did my best as a mother.  You will do as you think best as a  parent, and your child will certainly know of  a better way to raise  his or her family.

Hindsight presents other alternatives to dealing with any situation, but, as a parent the time factor does not allow for that type of wisdom.  You must work with the store of knowledge lifes experiences have bestowed upon you, information from books written  by "professionals," not necessarily parents, and the  so freely given advise from family and friends. You will most assuredly customize a general all  around approach to your child  and the "moment" from all the information you've managed to  glean, and, hopefully your own approach will be the most elusive picture of parental perfection all responsible parents have been trying to attain since parenting began.

Remember though, always, that the true picture of perfection is in the beholder's eye. Someday that cherub you cherished, will think that he or she is all grown up, and feeling there is something wrong with his or her image, of course blames the artist.
The picture is repairable, but, why bother?  Hang the artist!
He or she will be left with an empty palette, and the new self acclaimed artist will paint his own picture, on his own canvas, with his own colors, believing in its perfection until the day comes, and it will come . . .THE PICTURE HANGS THE ARTIST . . .
and life goes on . . .

 
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 The Search

She races down life's hallway
Not taking time to find
What is behind the open doors
Lined up on either side

She only sees what's straight ahead
Not what's around the corner
She was intent on racing there
Although I tried to warn her

She was so intent on doing
Exactly what she wanted
On her way she slammed the doors
And deliberately turned and locked them

Now she thinks she'd like to have
Some of what she's left behind
She's knocking at doors on her way back
But, there is something she has to find
THE KEY!

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The Wall

And the wall stands higher,
thicker more impenetrable than ever.
Built more and more sturdy
with each passing occurance.
Mortared with demands,
cemented  with threats,
bricked with ultimatums,
and weathered in tears.
That wall that I have been fighting
for so long has finally taken hold,
and will soon  surround me completely.
I will not bend, nor will I climb.
I am ready to assist it's construction.
For now in a sense I am finding
a sort of protection within.
And when that wall is high enough,
wide enough, I may consider climbing
to walk around the top edge,
looking down at all those
who helped me erect it.
My fortress, my storeroom,
full of the love that was
never accepted outside.
I will rise above it,
perhaps alone, but, still a person
who refuses to be led,
told what to say,
dictated how to act,
and when and how to feel.
I am ME,
                  ME,
                             ME.

Regrets Anyone?

I do have some deep regrets, and I will carry them with me through the rest of my life.
I have no way to correct the wrong ...... those people it mattered to are gone now, but will never be forgotten because of and in spite of my guilt. I made choices years ago that seemed right at the time, but now looking back it wasn't right at all. Those I put first in my life then were not worth it then nor are they happier for it now. I have fed ungrateful lusting and hateful minds with the souls of the good who have gone on before. If only God had given me the wisdom to make better choices .... but I can not blame him either for He gave me a mind to think, a heart to care and a brain to reason it out. I did not use my assets to the best of their ability and stand now today here with the heaviest burden a human can carry .... the guilt of mishandled priorities and the fruits of wrong choices now taunting me with the realization that I have made an even bigger mistake than my own parents did! Rest in peace Mom and Dad... I loved you then, and love you even more now today in this space of time God has given us to look back and see the fruits of our own lives taking root and I too can see the same path turning back on itself with the footsteps of time marching on and on and on.


October 1999

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