For a
Successful Life
> A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
> Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
> For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
> He who hesitates is probably right.
> Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
> No one is listening until you make a mistake.
> Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
> The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
> The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
> The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
> To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
> To succees in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
> Two wrongs are only the beginning.
> You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
> The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
> A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
> If you must choose pick the one you've never tried before.
> Don't sweat petty things.....or pet sweaty things.
> A fool and his money are soon partying.
> Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
> Attempt to get a new car for your spouse--it'll be a great trade!
> Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
> Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
> Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
> Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
> Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.
> Half the people you know are below average.
> 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
> A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
> If a first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you!
> Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
> Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo.
> If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
> Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
> What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
> Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
> I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
> I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
> Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
> How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
> Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
> Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
> Wear short sleeves! Support the right to bare arms!
> For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
> OK, so what is the speed of Dark?
> Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
> Black holes are where God divided by zero.
> All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.