l3lc .: My Thoughts:.
24 August 2004 Tuesday
1725h

The Ups and Downs at Sispec

Initially thought I won't be using this webspace again, but i have this sudden urge to do so. Sudden. Very sudden. My last entry, out of 2, was exactly half a year ago. How time passed! Well, how feelings changed too, how people changed and how your experiences paint your life as time passed. Lots of changed, just like some tv story where zoooom..well, 2 years later appears on the screen signifying it's actually 2 years, not 2 minutes. so..let me do the same.. zoooomm.. 6 months later..

I'm an ooc personnel at dear sispec. life in army, well, sadly, i don't know how to disclose. or say, i'm sure i can't disclose them! the first phrase is actually quite detailed.. i can't go further anymore, cos it may be an offence. so, i'd just simply say it, life isn't that well there. i went thru bmt with little difficulties to say at least, with good people around and a fulfilling experience for me eventually. it's only till sispec in which i faced difficulties, in many aspects. i have multiple concurrent problems. i messed up my health somewhat, with tight breathing which has not been curbed till date. then came my knees, which was eventually diagnosed as bilateral osgood schlattes which was a course ending injury, and was an old injury which i didn't really cared about. no wonder the name is so, well, unknown. i ended my course prematurely, 5 weeks into bslc. think of it, i did relatively well in my half course, doing consistently well in theory tests, most notably 85 for my BN. i also did well in my ippt at sispec, scoring 24 points and a silver, breaking my personal 2.4 record with 10:10, and chin ups with a WOW..12! . yar.. ken, it's not as good as you, but it's still MY achievements nevertheless. Anyway..through these somewhat good results, i faired badly in terms of 'ren ji'.. whereby my sect inst hated me badly. well, i don't know why, i got into his bad records book in week 2 by apparently talking back at him, in his opinion. naturally, i got f***ed by him, and 'marked on' since then. then came soc which i failed to do so, due to fatigue. more f*** came and i was in tatters and torns after the duo incidents. what the heck was he up to? perhaps it was unfortunate on my part.. i began to feel real pressurised and unhappy in the course, especially when he was somewhere near. i had to look behind my shoulders, underneath my boots and above my jockey cap to check if he was around to find faults in me. Damn it. It was really a tough and viscous feeling period. That tensed period lasted for nearly 3 weeks, which was eventually ended by my misfiring and my 'revisited' injury on my knees. I had the urge to call it the end. It was really too much for me to take. I was not at all welcomed at all there, and i decided to use my injury as a reason to get out of the course, and get out of his sight, permanently. In the end, i did. my injury was actually more serious as i thought it was to be, and i was given an OOC status on 190704. 

i thought i had gotten out from my troubles, but more was to come actually. being in this 'elite' group of ooc personnel was nothing but, crap. we were viewed as a bunch of people who slack, well, truth is, most of them are, but i wasn't! blah blah blah.. 1 week plus passed and i felt the most meaningless life of all lives ever.. to look at the watch and say, hey, 1 second actually takes that long.. is really an achievement somewhat.. on the negative side. i began to wonder what wrong have i done to be in this plight.. rotten plight. then came the turning point in which all the ooc personnel, except me, decided to request to be posted out, to somewhere more slackable. their wishes were fulfilled and there it went, me alone in the apparently cruel company. i kept faith in my beliefs. i felt staying would be a better choice as i won't be messing up with those people who wanted to slack. what a pollution they had been to me. so i stayed and i thought i benefitted much through the period after which. i had more freedom after that, had control of things assigned to me and had the support and recognition of the people there. that was better, and my plight was actually improving. i felt happier in the first third, and that was hallmarked by the end of my 7 day sentence due to misfiring. i have to believe that the worst was over, and now things are getting back in control for myself.

i went to guan ying temple to qiu qian two times when i was in sispec. the first told me to stay and wait for someone who has skill to unravel my potential. i think faintly, it had happened, and it was actually rather true. the second, which i got yesterday, told me that perhaps i should not think about a recourse. it states one think one is healthy yet one's health is like a candle in a breeze. i actually asked her to advise if i should go for a recourse or otherwise, get an admin post by downgrading or otherwise. that was the advice she gave me. i feel it was.. well.. accurate.

being in the army has changed my perspective, alot. i look at her blog, well, i feel, she hasn't progressed much in her thoughts. still the.. i like him, does he like me thinking.. perhaps she should look wider. not jump into a ship quickly and yet doesn't realise she actually isn't able to steer the ship herself if he does not steer it for her. simply, she should take some time to look for the correct one. not so soon, not so soon..

till then. i don't know when i will entry again.. maybe 6 months later? 1 year later? depends. and i doubt again if this serves a purpose. it may, cos she may stumble upon it and realise how army has changed me. sorry, but you sound like a little girl waiting for love, yet you hide it under your somewhat mature expressions. chim ar.. but i don't know how to express how i feel after i read them.

May god bless those who cared for others.

BK
1805h

Life's going to go up and down. You are in the pilot seat to see how it unfolds itself, and you will be the one to steer it through them. If you think going this way is correct, then go. You will not be wrong. Don't mumble to yourself this is not right, this is right and yet don't steer it at all. Go for it, do the right thing. Just do it.

<< Back
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
l3lc .:My Thoughts:.