Laughs & Giggles

9 June 2001 HELP!! These jokes are really old. Somebody send me some new ones fast!!
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the joy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

Senior Moment
A senior citizen was driving down the freeway, and his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I-75. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car... There's hundreds of them!"
Do you understand how America works?
If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she was holding in her lap while driving, and talking on the car phone, she blames the restaurant.
If your teen-age son kills himself, you blame the rock 'n' roll music or musician he liked.
If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.
If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school for poor sex education.
If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender.
If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up with heroin was dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean ones.
If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.
If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.
And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilots at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.
I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore.
So if I die while my old, wrinkled butt is parked in front of this computer,
I want you to blame Bill Gates, OK?

My face in the mirror isn't wrinkled or drawn,
My house isn't dirty, the cobwebs are gone.
My garden looks lovely and so does my lawn.
I think I may never put my glasses back on!

Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue!

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key!

The Moose Hunt
Two hunters went moose hunting every year without success. Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and leaned the mating call of the female moose.
The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned the costume and began to give the moose love call.
Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest into the clearing. When the moose was close enough the guy in the front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?"
The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but YOU better brace yourself.."

Three doctors were returning from a conference when their limo was hit by a truck. They find themselves standing at the Pearly Gates confronted by St. Peter.
"Well," says St. Peter, "tell me why you should enter here."
The first doctor said, "I won the Nobel Peace Prize in medicine."
"Welcome to Heaven" says St. Peter
The second doctor says, with a worried look, "I never won any prizes, but I devoted my life to a free clinic for the poor."
St. Peter smiled and held open the gate for doctor No. 2.
The third doctor, looking very important, said, "I am responsible for setting up HMO's throughout the USA."
St. Peter looks him in the eye and says, "You may enter, but you can only stay three days."

Better to be late to the Pearly Gate than to arrive in Hell on time.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, shouldn't electricians be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

After church a little boy tells the pastor that when he grows up
he is going to give him some money.
The pastor says "Thank you very much, but why?"
Boy answers, "Cause my daddy says you are the poorest preacher we have ever had!"

All the invited guests are seated at the dinner table,
Mommy turns to six year old and asks her to say the blessing.
"I wouldn't know what to say," answers daughter.
"Just say what you have heard Mommy say."
"OK" says the little girl bowing her head.
"Lord, Why on Earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

Needing someone is like needing a parachute.
If he isn't there the first time you need him,
Chances are you won't be needing him again!!

LAUGHS & GIGGLES