Life Lessons
from
McDeath
Last year I wrote this just for fun. Until now, I only allowed a few friends to read it. Now I don't care who sees it.
Hello...MY NAME IS CHRIS...AND I WORK AT McDEATH. IT WASN'T ALWAYS THIS WAY. I USED TO SPEND MY TIME DOING NOTHING. I BLAME THE PEOPLE AROUND ME. MOST EVERYONE I KNEW HAD A JOB. SO, THEY THOUGHT I SHOULD HAVE ONE TOO.
"COME ON," THEY WOULD SAY. "JUST WORK A LITTLE BIT. I'M WORKING, ALL YOUR FRIENDS ARE WORKING....EVERYBODY'S DOING IT...YOU'RE NOT COOL IF YOU DONT WORK." I'D TRY TO RESIST BY TELLING THEM I WAS CONCERNED IT WOULD LEAD TO HARDER JOBS. "OH COME ON!" THEY SAID. "IT'S NOT LIKE OCCASIONALLY WORKING IS GOING TO GET YOU HOOKED ON A JOB, OR ANYTHING! IT'S JUST A FAST FOOD RESTAURANT, FOR GOD'S SAKE! EVENTUALLY, THEIR PERSISTENT LURING PROVED IMPOSSIBLE TO RESIST.
FINALLY I GAVE UP ALL ATTEMPTS AT RESISTANCE AND BEGAN TO WORK. NOT ONLY WAS I WORKING THROUGH AN ENTIRE WEEKEND, BUT I FOUND MYSELF INTRIGUED BY MY COWORKERS' UNDAUNTED RESILIENCE, AND FASCINATED BY THE SHEER VOLUME OF ADVERSITY OVERCOME EACH DAY. EXPLOSIONS...MURDER...SEDUCTIONS...BLACKMAIL...DECEIT...MOLESTATION...OCCASIONAL BAD HAIR...AND SMART MOUTHS! TO THE WORKERS AT McDEATH, THAT'S A SLOW DAY.....HELL, THAT'S A SLOW MORNING!
SO I BEGAN TO THINK, WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT IF WE COULD USE SOME OF THE LIFE LESSONS THEY IMPLEMENT EVERY DAY? IT WAS WITH THIS IN MIND THAT I DECIDED TO WRITE THE DEFINITIVE BOOK OF McDONALDS PHILOSOPHY- AN EXAMINATION OF MESSAGES, ADVICE, AND LIFE LESSONS FOUND AT THE MOST POPULAR EATING CHAIN OF OUR TIME.
SO, FOR NOW, MY FELLOW McDONALD-AHOLICS:SIT BACK AND ESCAPE, FOR A LITTLE WHILE, TO I-16 McDONALDS. AFTER ALL, LIFE CAN BE A REALLY BIG BITCH. BUT THAT'S OK. BECAUSE WITH THE HELP OF THIS .....SO CAN YOU.
*REMEMBER-THIS IS JUST FOR FUN!*
DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU FEEL LIKE IT.
NO MATTER WHAT IS HAPPENING IN YOUR LIFE, OR IN THE WORLD AROUND YOU, ALWAYS BE READY, WILLING, AND ABLE TO HAVE MAD, PASSIONATE SEX.
MARRY OFTEN AND SWIFTLY.
IF A PERSON REJECTS YOU MORE THAN THREE TIMES IN A ROW, IT'S TIME TO CUT YOUR LOSSES AND GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE. SO HAVE THE PERSON KILLED, AND MOVE ON.
IF YOUR LOVER LEAVES TOWN FOR MORE THAN ONE DAY, SLEEP WITH WHOMEVER YOU WANT. AFTER ALL, YOU CANT BE EXPECTED TO WAIT AROUND FOREVER.
WHEN YOUR FRIEND SAYS YOUR LOVER IS DEAD, DON'T TAKE THEIR WORD FOR IT.
HAVE SEX FIRST, ASK QUESTIONS LATER.
IF YOU FIND IT DIFFICULT TO GET ALONG WITH YOUR BOSS, TRY TO REASON WITH HIM/HER AND TALK THROUGH YOUR DIFFERENCES. IF THAT DOESN'T WORK, DRIVE HIM/HER TO SUICIDE AND TAKE OVER THE BUSINESS.
DON'T SUPPRESS YOUR ANGER. USE IT TO BE AN EVEN BIGGER BITCH.
IF MORE THAN, OH...SAY...THREE OF YOUR LOVERS SWINDLE YOU OUT OF HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS, IT'S TIME TO REEVALUATE THE PEOPLE YOU DATE.
DONT BE TOO QUICK TO FIRE A DISOBEDIENT EMPLOYEE. SOMETIMES IT'S BETTER TO LET THE PERSON KEEP THEIR JOB, AND JUST MAKE THEIR LIFE A LIVING HELL.
AVOID RELATIONSHIPS WITH ALCOHOLIC, SEX-CRAZED, CASHIERS.
IF YOU MUST DO SOMETHING NICE FOR SOMEONE, AT LEAST INSULT THEM WHILE DOING IT.
SPEND THE HOLIDAYS WITH YOUR CO-WORKERS - NEVER WITH YOUR FAMILY.
IF YOU WALK INTO WORK AND FIND A CO-WORKER HANGING BY THE NECK BESIDE THE CASH REGISTER, YOU KNOW IT'S GONNA BE "ONE OF THOSE DAYS."
IF YOU LOSE YOUR JOB, WAIT A FEW MINUTES, YOU'LL GET REHIRED.
IF YOUR CO-WORKER TRIES TO KILL YOU MORE THAN TWICE, IT MAY BE A SIGN THAT THERE ARE SOME MINOR PROBLEMS WITH YOUR FRIENDSHIP.
DONT OVERREACT. FOR EXAMPLE, IF SOMEONE INADVERTENTLY EMBARRASSES YOU IN PUBLIC, DONT LET ANGER GET THE BEST OF YOU. WOULDN'T IT BE BETTER TO FRAME THE PERSON FOR A MURDER HE/SHE DIDN'T COMMIT.
SQUASH THE HELPLESS, WEAK, AND VULNERABLE LIKE BUGS.
BE NICE TO PEOPLE UNTIL YOU GET WHAT YOU WANT FROM THEM.
THEN DISCARD THEM LIKE AN OLD BIG MAC.
PICK ONE PERSON AND MESS WITH THEIR HEAD UNTIL IT NO LONGER AMUSES YOU.
NEVER SLEEP WITH YOUR BOSS OR CO-WORKER. JUST KIDDING. YOU SHOULD DO BOTH, OFTEN.
IF YOUR JOB ISN'T WORKING OUT, CONSIDER QUITING. IF QUITING ISN'T CONVENIENT, FAKE YOUR OWN DEATH.
RANDOMLY INSULT THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU.
TELL ANYONE WHO WILL LISTEN THAT YOUR CO-WORKER IS VERY ILL.
YOU DON'T NEED FAMILY AND FRIENDS WHEN THERE'S A BUNCH OF CUSTOMERS WHO LOVE YOU.
FEELING A LITTLE INSECURE? BUY A GUN.
IF SOMEONE TRIES TO BLACKMAIL YOU WITH SKELETONS FROM YOUR PAST, JUST GO AHEAD AND CHOKE THEM.
IF YOU REALLY WANT TO GET BACK AT SOMEONE, KILL YOURSELF. THAT'LL SHOW'EM!
PRETEND YOU ARE PREGNANT.
IF YOU CAN'T DECIDE WHETHER TO LOVE SOMEONE OR KILL THEM, FLIP A COIN.
EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE, JUST GO AHEAD AND SLAP SOMEBODY IN THE FACE, REALLY HARD.
AVOID SHARING INCRIMINATING, INTIMATE SECRETS WITH OPENLY DECEITFUL, MANIPULATIVE BITCHES.
ALWAYS FASTEN YOUR SEATBELT SECURELY BEFORE ATTEMPTING TO RUN SOMEONE OVER WITH YOUR CAR.
TRY TO KEEP LIFE INTERESTING. EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE, APPROACH A CO-WORKER OR A CUSTOMER, AND YELL, "YOU FILTHY BASTARD!"
WHEN IN DOUBT, BITCH.
DON'T WORRY.....BE EVIL.
NEVER TURN YOUR BACK ON A FRIEND. THEY JUST MIGHT STAB IT.
DON'T TRUST ANYBODY.
IF YOUR COOK STICKS HIS TONGUE IN YOUR MOUTH, HE MAY BE CARRYING HIS JOB A LITTLE TOO FAR.
BE SURE McDONALDS HEALTH INSURANCE COVERS BACKSTABBING.
DON'T DATE DRUG DEALERS...UNLESS THEY'RE GOOD LOOKING...OR HAVE A LOT OF MONEY...OR UNLESS YOU CAN GAIN SOMETHING FROM IT IN SOME WAY...OR...OH HELL, GO AHEAD AND DATE DRUG DEALERS.
NEVER BASE A RELATIONSHIP ON LIES AND DECEIT. JUST KIDDING! DISHONESTY SHOULD BE A PART OF ANY RELATIONSHIP.
IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING NICE TO SAY, SAY SOMETHING NASTY AND RUDE.
IT'S CONSIDERED TO BE IN BAD TASTE TO SAY THINGS LIKE, "WELL, BACK TO WORK!" MINUTES AFTER YOUR CO-WORKER DIED.
MAKE THE BEST OF ANY INJURY OR ILLNESS BY USING YOUR AILMENTS TO MANIPULATE OTHERS.