»§«:*´`³¤³´`*§«CHILDREN
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Our Children
Grip around your finger?
Or kissed a cheek where the remains
Of a chocolate bar still linger?
Have you ever kissed a boo-boo
To make the pain "go-way"?
Or forgot about the dishes
Just to go out and play?
We are the lucky ones
To cherish these so dear,
So enjoy these little miracles,
That God's placed in our care.
--Source unknown
There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
A 4 years olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh, it's already too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old, Duplos will not.
Play-Doh and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
Super glue is forever.
McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
Ditto Tarzan.
No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jello.
VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
Plastic toys do not like ovens.
The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
It will however make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.
A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).
Toddler Diet
Over the years you may have noticed that most 2 year olds are trim. It came to me one day over a cup of grapefruit juice and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason. After consultation with pediatricians, x-ray technicians and distraught mothers, I was able to formulate this new diet. It is inexpensive and offers great variety and sufficient quantity.
Day 1:
Breakfast-One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2
bites of egg using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1
bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.
Lunch-Four crayons (any color) a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk-3 sips, then spill the rest.
Dinner- A dry stick, 2 pennies, 4 sips of flat diet pop.
Bedtime snack-Toast piece of bread, butter it and toss it face down on the floor.
Day 2:
Breakfast-pick up stale toast from the floor and eat it. Drink 1/2 bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
Lunch-Half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and one ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon snack-Lick an all day sucker until sticky, take it outside and drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until clean again, then bring inside and drop on living room carpet.
Dinner- A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour iced tea over mashed potatoes, eat with spoon.
Day 3:
Breakfast-2 pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat with fingers, rub fingers in hair to clean. Glass of milk, drink half, stuff excess pancakes in glass.
After breakfast, pick up yesterdays sucker from carpet, lick off fuzz until sticky again, then leave on cushion of your best chair.
Lunch-Peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several well-chewed bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk onto table, then slurp up.
Dinner-Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, 1 sip of cold coffee.
Final Day:
Breakfast-1/4 tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bite of soap, one olive.
Pour glass of milk over bowl of Cornflakes, add 1/2 cup of sugar. Wait
until cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog with your
spoon.
Lunch-Eat crumbs off the kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.
Dinner- A plate of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Handful of cheese snacks, eat 2 and place the rest in bowling ball holes or any other convenient hiding place.
Great Truths About Life That Little Children Have learned"
* No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
* When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
* If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
* Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
* You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
* Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
* Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
* Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
* Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.
* School lunches stick to the wall.
* You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
* Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
* The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap.
--Source unknown--
=====================================================
Little Angels
to dwell with Him above,
we mortals sometimes question
the wisdom of His love.
For no heartache compares with
the loss of one small child,
who does so much to make our world
seem wonderful and mild.
Perhaps God tires of calling
the aged to His fold,
so He picks a rosebud
before it can grow old.
God knows how much we need them,
and so He takes but few,
to make the land of Heaven
more beautiful to view.
Believing this is difficult,
still somehow we must try;
the saddest word mankind knows
will always be 'good-bye'.
So when a child must depart,
we who are left behind
must realize God loves children,
Angels are hard to find.
~ Author Unknown ~
CHILDREN'S PROVERBS
A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest:
Better Be Safe Than... Punch A 5th Grader.
It's Always Darkest Before... Daylight Savings Time.
Strike While The... Bug Is Close.
Never Under Estimate The Power Of... Termites.
You Can Lead A Horse To Water But... How?
Don't Bite The Hand That... Looks Dirty.
No News Is... Impossible.
A Miss Is As Good As A... Mr.
You Can't Teach An Old Dog New... Math.
If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You'll... Stink In The Morning.
Love All, Trust.. Me
The Pen Is Mightier Than The... Pigs.
An Idle Mind Is... The Best Way To Relax.
Where There's Smoke, There's... Pollution.
Happy The Bride Who... Gets All The Presents!
A Penny Saved Is... Not Much.
Two's Company, Three's... The Musketeers.
Don't Put Off Tomorrow What... You Put On To Go To Bed.
Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry And... You Have To Blow Your Nose.
Children Should Be Seen And Not... Spanked Or Grounded.
If At First You Don't Succeed... Get New Batteries.
You Get Out Of Something What You... See Pictured On The Box.
When The Blind Leadeth The Blind... Get Out Of The Way.
There Is No Fool Like... Aunt Edie.
Last Updated by Virginia Young on Thursday, 27 February, 2003 at 8:15 PM.
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