BOB RAVEN

© the goatherder

Bob Raven had been around for a few years, long enough to see a lot and to form his own opinions on most things. A nice thing about being a raven verses a crow is that crows are known to be quite vociferous and gregarious in nature, while on the other hand, ravens are more sedate and aloof, choosing in most part to be alone or with only a few of their kind.
The thing that infuriated Bob was when someone called him a Black Bird. When he heard this he would start to sound like a crow or a magpie, or some other vociferous creature. When aroused, Bob could "wake up the dead" with his loud harangue. But let's save this for another day.
Oh yeah, the eyes of a Black Bird being yellowish made Bob cringe and call them "creatures from beyond".
Now to be more precise, Bob was a "Chihuahuan Raven", a raven who was proud of his name and his heritage. What's more, since Edgar A. Poe's "The Raven", ravens had been looked up to as the aristocracy of common birds.
One thing that had bugged Bob for a long time was the white chest and striping of the Black-Billed Magpie. He thought the Magpie's coloring was grand and used to think, "wow if I only had that trimming!" But thinking and wanting would never get him his desired "trimming," he knew.
Each day Bob would join the other birds at the Commissary and BX parking lot to forage for food. This parking lot, by the way, always seemed to have a plethora of food lying around for the picking. And pick they did.

There were always a couple of Magpies in the area. Matter of fact, regardless of where you went, if there was any food to be had, you would always find some Magpies or sea gulls near by.

Bob would watch these birds hopping about, and would notice how they always seem to have a little strut to their walk.They seemed to exude arrogance....and a little of that "holier than thou attitude",, which Bob thought was cool. He marveled over their white chest and how it made them appear to be dressed a little above the rest. (Now when I say dressed, I mean how a black bird with a white chest makes one think of a tuxedo and white vest). Each day Bob would watch them strut about, wanting secretely to look like they did so he would standout in a flock.

Bob harbored this thought of how he would strut around like the 'cock of the walk', with all of the "two legs" and other birds admiring him. But of course just like in humans, wanting, waiting, dreaming and fantasizing is free, even though they often yield minimal results.

One day the "two legs" were painting the pillars in front of the Commissary and Joe Crow, having pecked too much fermented grain, had flown into one of the posts. As a result, Joe Crow's right side was white, which made one heck of a sight. A crow, or a Raven, with his right side white caused all sorts of consternation among the "two legs", plus it outraged the elder birds. Bob, on the other hand, thought that Joe was neat, for lets face it: there were no other crows like him, and it was neat to be unique. After a few weeks, though, the paint started to wear off and Joe looked horrendous....that is until it finally wore off completely.

Bob thought to himself: 'when I get my white vest it will stay and won't wear off'.

One day Bob was flying over the Security Police area and he noticed that the Sky Cops were painting from a five-gallon bucket of white paint. Aha, he thought. This is my one big chance. He circled the area , watching. Then, not being able to contrive a plan, Bob, whose attention span was about that of a two-year-old "two legs", kept circling.

All at once Bob spotted a bag of potato chips over next to a big dirt pile. Now potato chips, as it so happened, were one of Bob's favorites snacks. He swooped down to grab the bag, and to partake of this delicacy.But just as Bob reached the bag, a young Airman, Pooh Tigra, who had just finished his painting and had put some water in the paint bucket, threw the contents of the bucket onto the dirt pile. Splash! The thin white paint-water hit Bob, knocked him down, and of course he fell into the puddle of white paint. He came up screeching and cawing, and making the most horrible sounds you ever heard, flapping his wings and running about. And to Pooh this was the funniest thing he had ever seen. Here was a Raven painted white. He called all his buddies over to see, and to have a big laugh.

The paint stuck to Bob, but when he tried to fly he couldn't extend his wings. And unfortunately for Bob, in order to develop an aerodynamic lift, a raven must extend and flap his wings.

By this time, Bob's antics had drawn the whole Air Police Squadron over to watch. The noise, plus the congregated personnel however, made Sgt. Pozatz curious so he walked out to see what was happening. And when he saw the raven and learned how come the bird had flown into the water that was used for cleaning paint brushes, he too, laughed. By that time though, his NCO leadership and his desire to be the Sergeant took over and he said they must catch this bird and take it to the base Veterinarian.

Now ordinarily Sgt. Pozatz would have laughed and gone about his business, but because he wanted to become Staff Sergeant Pozatz, he knew he had to impress the Captain. So as Sherlock Holmes would say: "the hunt is afoot". They attempted to catch the bird.

Now can you imagine a bunch of young kids trying to catch a wild bird? Even though his wings were covered with paint and he couldn't fly, Bob was still a tough bird to catch. But they did catch him, finally, and wrapped him in a towel, or should I say they wrapped him in swaddling clothes.

They took him to the Vet, and as soon as they got him to the Vet's office, the Vet put him in a cage. The Vet, of course, had to figure out what to do.

Now on the wall across from Bob's cage, was a hugh mirror. And mirrors, you know, fascinate most birds. If you've ever watched a bird looking at himself in a mirror, and if you've seen the bizarre antics he does, then you know that it's a better show than a four-ring circus. Anyway, Bob saw himself in the mirror and realized that Joe Crow was, in comparison to Bob, very handsome. He, Bob, unfortunately was streaked and globbed all over, and the stuff was drying so he was getting stiffer by the minute. Before long he would be one immovable Raven, and to tell the truth, he was scared. For once in his life, he wished he were just plain old Bob Raven.

As it turned out, though, the cleaning process was not that bad, because all Bob needed was a bath in warm soapy water. But in order to calm Bob down so they could give the bath, the Vet had to sedate Bob. So when Bob awoke, he was as black and shiny as like before. What the Vet didn't know, however, and what no one else knew, was that not many ravens had ever been sedated. And it seemed that the drug the vet used to sedate Bob, which was Etheralalasleepanoze, had quite an amazing effect on him. In fact, a reaction had taken place and Bob's chest had turned solid white.

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