Missing those you love...

Have you ever walked into a room and expected something or someone to be there, and they are not? That is kind of how it feels for me to be writing this column. I keep expecting Pongo to chip in with some of his Type A personality idioms, but there is only silence.

The first days where the hardest. Pongo's pet would come to visit, and I would wonder - how come she doesn't bring Pongo? In some ways it was kind of cool, I think Pongo's pet was lonely too, and I got to go places with her and do things that I normally didn't get to do. But why me? Why didn't she want to take Pongo anymore?

Then one day something awful happened - Pongo's pet came to visit, not with Pongo but with this young little pup in tow. This little pup would jump all over me, and bite my ears and tail. Pongo would NEVER do a thing like that to me. Still I wondered - where was Pongo?

I'll never forget the last day I saw Pongo. He didn't smell too well and didn't want to run around like he normally did. I tried my hardest to play with him and get him to play fetch with me. He just didn't want to. I never saw him again after that day. If I had tried harder would he still be here? If I hadn't been so teritorial when he visted my house would have never gone away? It has been seven months now, and sometimes I still wonder what I could have done to make Pongo stay.

With time it has gotten a little easier. I have trained the new pup, Josie, in. She still likes to nip at me from time to time, but mostly she picks on Beau (which keeps him away from me). Sometimes, when Josie and I get a moment outside alone she actually isn't such a bad pup. She is full of energy and just keeps going and going. I on the other hand am much more relaxed and like to enjoy my lounging time.

I have learned a lot in the time since Pongo's death. Life goes on. The hurt ebbs and flows - somedays are harder than other's. I still miss him everyday. But somedays I don't think as much about how much I miss him as much. Other days I would give all the bones in the world to have him back. Some days, I enjoy being with Josie so much I almost forget about Pongo - ALMOST. His memory is almost like a shadow. You know it is always there, but you don't always see it. Sometimes there is guilt - what could I have done to keep Pongo here? Why did Pongo go and not me? Somedays there is fear - Will I be next? Will Beau? Will Josie? What about my pet? Somedays there is jealousy - Why did I have to stay here to have to be picked on by the troublesome pups? Why do I have to put up with the rain and snow? Why do I have to be the one left alone by my pet? Other days there is peace - Pongo has all the bones he could ever want. He can lounge around and not feel pain or hunger. How wonderful to know that Pongo will never want for anything again.

Yes, I have grown in the last seven months. I know now that nothing is forever. Sometimes you walk into a room and expect someone to be there and they are not. But their memory is always there, alive and well in your heart and for the rest of time they will be loved. Sometimes you walk into a room expecting a certain someone to be there and they are not, but there is someone else. Someone different, but loveable in their own way. They don't replace the someone you were hoping to see, but they put your heart to ease by being them and loving you for who you are.

UPDATE: April 2007, our beloved Gunny passed away. His insights will be missed as much as he is!