Touching the lives of others...

   

 Changing My World rocker 


Grab your favorite rocker, get comfortable for a few minutes and let me share my true story with you...

NOVEMBER 1998

It was a Monday night, around 10:30 PM, when the phone rang. I guess that moment is forever branded in my memory- I seem to have no choice about it. When I said hello, a hysterical female on the other end demanded to know who I was, then proceeded to inform me that my only son had just shot himself. He was dead. Dead at 27. As my world blurred into a mass of pain, confussion, denial, and shock, my life was forever changed. A momma isn't suppose to bury her children. Mother's have a way of "knowing" things about their kids. How could I have not known his desperation? How could life have possibly become so overwelming for him that he didn't even pause to see if we could help in some way? Oh, my son... this just can't be ..... not MY son.

I have yet to find the words that describe the devestation that suicide leaves. The guilt, blame, anger, hopelessness... an endless list of emotions and questions. And for a mother, losing a child to suicide is often more than she can deal with. A mother is the nurturer, the protector. Even in the animal kingdom, it's the momma's that make sure that NO ONE messes with her off spring! In the next few weeks I found myself struggling with the toughest decision of my life. I could give in to the unrelenting pain, and follow suit- as many mothers do- which sounded so easy to do. Or I could take a stand and do everything in my power to save another mom from this intense agony that was thrust into my life. You see, in ALL things, we have a choice. It's like the old saying, "you can get bitter, or you can get better." Well, I wasn't willing to become one of the 'living dead'!

That was 15 months ago. We buried my son the Saturday before Thanksgiving, 1998. I won't deny that it's been the toughest year of my life. I had many, many days that I lived by the moment and clung desperately to my Father God. But in looking back over this past 15 months, I have to say that God has been so faithful to me! On that dreadful night as I stood in shock, I remember saying to God, "You said You would make good come out of ALL things if we trust You. I'm holding you to that, God. Make good come out of this somehow."

In the months of sleepless nights that followed my sons death, I learned to do web design and I made a web page telling our story and the affects of suicide. I have so many stories as a result of that web page... I have gotten so much email from people that were touched, and many of them their lives forever changed because of reading our story. I thank God for His faithfulness to bring good out of such a tragic situation. There have been over 50 lives saved that I know of!! There was a young man in College that had his suicide all planned, and he wrote and told me about it. I convienced him to talk to his mother and the last I heard from him, he had moved back home so mom could "watch him" and he was in counseling, feeling much more hopeful. There was a 15 year old that sent me an Instant Message saying, "Help! I'm afraid I'll kill myself tonight if someone doesn't help me!" I've stayed in touch with her over the last 10 months, and the state has intervened in her home situation and removed her from the home. She is back in school and has finally found some hope for her future. There are many wonderful stories like those, but my favorite story is from a lady I'll call Sarah.

One morning I was having one of those especially tough days, and when I went to read my email, I found the following in my mailbox:

Hi,
I got up this morning with a mission. I was checking out. I got the bills paid, dinner in the crock pot, and cleaned up the house, after all, I wanted my home to be tidy when they came to remove my body.

I have been on antidepressants for several years. My physical pain is just unbearable, and I am facing my seventh operation in six years to help me walk. I cry all the time, some days I can't get out of bed. Through it all, my husband has done everything he can to help.

My house is clean, the husband is at work, and the kids are at the neighbors playing. I have an entire bottle of xanax in one hand and a glass of water in the other. I figure without me to be a burden, my family can get on with their lives, they won't have to worry about making the house handicap accessible. I wont have to keep making excuses to the kids why mom can't play like the other mom's.

I decided to write a note to my relative apologizing that I will not be able to attend her upcoming wedding, but she would understand why in a few days. I decided to look for Suicide help while I was on line, to see if the pills would work quickly, but instead I found your site.

The house is still clean, dinner is ready, the kids are home from the neighbors. I called my husband and he is on his way home from work. The pills, they have been flushed. THANK YOU. Please pray for me, because I will always pray for you.
"Sarah"

Yes, in ALL things we have a choice. Oh God, what if I have chosen to bury myself in my pain instead of trusting God to make good things come out of this tragedy? A few months ago those two little girls would have had their first Christmas without a mommy. And a young college man would have driven to another state, said goodbye to his best friend, and ended his life. A young man in Canada would have left a pregnant wife, with two toddlers, to grope her way through this pain... and many more families would now know the debilitating agony that comes with suicide because those 50 lives may not have been saved. Yes, every day we have a choice.. what are you choosing today? Choose to trust God!!

The Starfish

As I walked along the seashore
This young boy greeted me
He was tossing stranded starfish
Back to the Deep Blue Sea.
I said "Tell me why you bother,
Why you waste your time this way
There's a million stranded Starfish
Does it matter, anyway?"
And he said "It matters to this one,
It deserves a chance to grow.
It matters to this one
I can't save them all I know.
But it matters to this one
I'll return it to the sea
It matters to this one,
And it matters to me."

In the time it took for you to read this story, someone took their life. There are almost 40,000 suicides a year in the United States! Help me to continue to reach out and touch the lives of others. Please go to my web page to learn how you can help.

New survivor? I will lead until you, again, can see the light...

Note about the author: My name is Louise & our story can be found here: Our Story I am on a lifelong mission to help people see what suicide does to a family, and to help grieving survivors. If you know of a survivor, please send them a link to this page. We CAN change our world, even if it's only one life at a time!

I have an online Support Group for survivors called Road2healing. Road2healing was founded on January 26, 1999. I have also started Road2healing support group meetings in the DFW area. If you are interested in more information, please email me at ~ louise@road2healing.com


Have a blessed day by being a blessing!!

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Last Updated: March 12, 00
WebMaster: Louise