In any conversation about battered women, someone, usually a woman, invariably says, "I'd never put up with that!" And someone almost always asks, "Why do women stay in abusive relationships? Why don't they just leave?"
It's not an easy question to answer. In fact, various experts have been trying to answer it for generations. In the 1920s, social workers claimed that battered women were mentally retarded. In the 1940s, psychologists found a new answer: Battered women don't leave because they're masochists. They actually like it.
Outraged by that theory, feminists in the 1970s came up with new ones. Battered women don't leave because they can't support themselves and their kids, they're isolated from friends and family, and they've been terrorized into a state of helplessness by repeated beatings.
Today, those answers have been superseded by more practical ones, like the fact that battered women often have no place to go. There are half as many shelters for battered women in this country as there are for stray animals, and most do not accept children. For every two women sheltered, five are turned away. For every two children sheltered, eight are turned away. Approximately half of all homeless women and children are on the streets because of violence in the home.
Another obstacle to leaving is a battered woman's fear of losing her children or of being unable to protect them. A Massachusetts study revealed that in 70 percent of cases where fathers attempted to get custody of their children, they did so successfully. So when an abuser says, "Go ahead, leave, but I've got the money to hire a good lawyer and I'll get the kids," he may be right.
But perhaps the biggest reason women stay in abusive relationships is that they're most vulnerable when they leave. That's when abusers desperately escalate tactics of control. More domestic abuse victims are killed when fleeing than at any other time.
According to the FBI, more than 1,400 women are murdered every year by current or former husbands or boyfriends. The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence reports that women who leave their batterers are at a 75 percent greater risk of being killed by the batterer than those who stay.
But while it's important to understand why battered women become trapped, many domestic abuse experts believe it's time to put the question of why women stay to rest. One of those experts is Ann Jones, author of NEXT TIME, SHE'LL BE DEAD: BATTERING AND HOW TO STOP IT.
"Experts have answered "Why doesn't she leave?" so often that 'a battered-woman's syndrome' has become an every day phrase," Jones wrote in a recent issue of WOMAN'S DAY magazine. "But why is there no 'a battering-man's syndrome'? And why-when every day the news brings another story of a man who tracked down and killed the woman who left him-does no one ever ask the real question: 'What's wrong with him? Why didn't he stop beating her?' Why don't we make him stop?' "
Jones' frustration is shared by Sarah Buel, assistant district attorney of Norfolk County, VA, who holds a degree from Harvard Law School and is herself a victim of abuse.
"It's time to stop asking why they (women) stay and start asking what they need to feel safe," said Buel in a recent issue of PSYCHOLOGY TODAY. " . . . More important than prosecution, more important than anything, is a safety plan, an action plan detailing how to stay alive."
Most people who have never experienced abuse think a woman can just pack her bags and leave, but it's not that easy. Instead, a battered woman must plan carefully for the day she'll be ready to leave, and keep safe in the meantime.
The first step is to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-7233. It's important for an abused woman to talk with someone who understands what she's going through. It's also important for her to realize that it may take months before she can make her move.
Next, she should pack a suitcase with a change of clothes and other personal items, such as photographs, and store it with someone she trusts-a friend or relative who may be willing to shelter her, even if it's only temporary. If that's not possible, she can rent a locker at a bus station or airport and keep her belongings there.
Since money is likely to be a problem, a battered woman should start putting some away, either in a separate bank account or someplace she knows her partner won't find it. She should also keep certain items handy, such as medicines, important papers (medical records, birth certificates, etc.) and credit cards, so that she can collect them quickly when she's ready to leave. Most important, she shouldn't boast of her plans to leave; it will only make her abuser watch her more closely and become more controlling.
If a battered woman finds herself in the middle of a violent episode, she should stay alert, avoid getting backed into a corner, and try to keep something between her and her abuser. Also, she should stay out of the most dangerous rooms, particularly the bathroom and the kitchen. These rooms are filled with easy weapons and hard counters on which she might hit her head if she's knocked down. If she's going to run out of the house, she should have a safe destination in mind, such as a convenience store, fire station, or anyplace where there are other people.
Often it takes a while for a woman who's been battered to realize that she has to get out. But eventually she'll see that no matter how often her abuser apologizes, he'll hit her again. When an abused woman reaches this point, she'll be receptive to information and help. She can find support groups and counselors at local battered women's shelters, or she can call the National Domestic Violence toll-free hotline listed above. For the hearing-impaired, the number is (800) 787-3224.
Links to other sites on the Web
WV Grandparents Home Page
Signs of Domestic Violence
Children of Domestic Violence
Other listing about Grandparents
Children's Rights
© 1997 webailey@rcvideo.com
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