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Humor Page![jester](jester.gif)
Table of Contents
- TOP 20 REASONS DOGS DON'T USE COMPUTERS
- RULES FOR CATS WHO HAVE A HOUSE TO RUN
- DEFINITION OF A PANDA
- ADMINISTRATION'S RESTROOM POLICY
- REDNECK'S GUIDE TO COMPUTER LINGO
- DOG SECRETARY
- WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN
TOP 20 REASONS DOGS DON'T USE COMPUTERS
20. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.
19. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
17. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
16. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail".
15. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
14. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.
13. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
12. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
11. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.
10. Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
09. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome.
08. 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS ! Now, cats, on the other hand...
07. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
06. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
05. SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
04. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manuever.
03. Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.
02. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.
01. TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWs,.
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RULES FOR CATS WHO HAVE A HOUSE TO RUN
DOORS: Do not allow closed door in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and halfway out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.
CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you can manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot.
BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything - - just sit and stare.
HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering". Following are the rules for "hampering": A) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted. B) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself. C) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you. D) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual actvity), keep in mind the aim -- to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time. E) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.
WALKING:As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.
BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.
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DEFINITION OF A PANDA
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origion, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
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ADMINISTRATION'S RESTROOM POLICY
ADMINISTRATION SUBJECT: Restroom Use Policy
In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective immediately, a Restroom Trip Policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for each employee's restroom time ensuring equal treatment of all employees.
Under the policy a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established for each emplouee. The first day of each month, employees will be given 20 Restroom Trip Credits. These credits may be accumulated.
Within 4 to 6 weeks, the entrance doors to all restrooms are being equipped with personal identification stations and computer-linked voice print recognition devices. Before the end of the month each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal and one under stress) to Human Resources Department. The voice print recognition will be operational but not restrictive during the entire month. Employees should acquaint themselves with the stations during that period.
If the employee's Restroom Trip Bank balance reaches zero, the doors to the restrooms will not unlock for that employee's voice until the first of the month. In addition, all restroom stalls are being equipped with time paper roll retractors. If the stall is occupied for more than 3 minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty-seconds after the alarm sounds, the roll of paper will retract into the wall, the toilet will flush, and the stall door will open. If the stall remains occupied your picture will be taken.
The picture will then be posted on the bulletin board located in the Employee Realtions Office. Anyone's picture showing up three times will immediately be terminated. If you have any questions about this policy, please ask your supervisor. They have all received advanced instructions.
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REDNECK'S GUIDE TO COMPUTER LINGO
This here is the Redneck's Guide to Computer Lingo
LOG ON: Making the woodstove hotter
LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood
MONITOR: Keepin an eye on that woodstove
DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood ofn the truk
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin that farwood downloaded
FLOPPY DISK: Whatca git from tryin to carry too much farwood
RAM: That thar thang whut splits th farwood
HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in th winter taim
PROMPT: Whut th mail ain't in th winter taim
WINDOWS: Whut to shut when its cold outside
SCREEN: Whut to shut when its blak fly season
BYTE: Whut them dang flys do
CHIP: Munchies fer th TV
MICRO CHIP: Whuts left in th munchie bag
INFRARED: Whur th left over munchies go, Fred eats em
MODEM: Whatca did to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Ol Dan Matrix's wife
LAP TOP: Whur th kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Whur ya hang th dang keys
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastik forks and knifs
MOUSE: What eats th grain in th barn
MAIN FRAME: Holds up th barn ruf
PORT: Fancy Flatlander Wine
ENTER: Northern fer c'mon in y'all
RANDOM
ACCESS
MEMORY: When ya caint member whut ya paid for yer new rifle when yore wife asks.
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DOG SECRETARY
A man who needed a secretary hung a sign in his window that said, "Secretary wanted to file and type. Must be bi-lingual."
Within a few minutes, a dog came trotting into his office with the sign in his mouth. At first the man was irritated that a dog had somehow gotten into the building, so he tried to shoo him away. The dog dropped the sign on the man's desk and said, "Woof, woof!"
The man gave him a puzzled look and said, "Don't tell me you're here about the secretary job!" The dog replied, "Woof,woof!" Skeptically, the man said, "OK, here! See if you can files these papers." The dog grabbed the papers in his mouth, and filed them correctly in just a few minutes, trotted back to the man's desk and said, "Woof, woof!"
The man was amazed, but not quite convinced, so he handed the dog some notes and said, "Here, see if you type this up." The dog took the notes, typed up the paper, and dropped it on the man's desk with another "Woof, woof!"
The man said, "Well, I'm convinced you can do the job, but the sign says that you must be bi-lingual," to which the dog replied, "Meow!"
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WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN
Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public. Dogs miss you when you're gone. You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you. Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong. Dogs don't criticize your friends. Dogs admit when they're jealous. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out. Dogs do not play games with you - - except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw). Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most important thing is that you're together. Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence. No dog ever voted to confirm Clarence Thomas. You can train your dog. Dogs are easy to buy for. Dogs are good with kids. Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies. You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams. Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous. Dogs understand what "no" means. Dogs don't need therapy to undo their bad socialization. Dogs don't make a practice of killing their own species. Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside. Dogs do not read at the table. Dogs think you are a culinary genius. You can train a dog. You can force a dog to take a bath. Dogs don't correct your stories. Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner. Dogs aren't threatened by a woman with short hair. Dogs aren't threatened by two women with short hair. Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving. Dogs don't step on the imaginary brake. Dogs admit when they're lost. Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff. Dogs don't look at your eyes. Dogs like your size. Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs. Dogs take care of their own needs. Dogs are color blind. Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do. Dogs mean it when they kiss you. Dogs are nice to your relatives. Dogs obsess about you as much as you obsess about them.
HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME
Both take up too much space on the bed. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning. Both are threatened by their own kind. Both like to chew wood. Both mark their territory. Both are bad at asking you questions. Neither tells you what's bothering them. Both tend to smell riper with age. Neither does the dishes. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut. Both like dominance games. Both are suspicious of the postman. Neither knows how to talk on the telephone. Neither undertands what you see in cats.
WHY MEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS
Men only have two feet that track in mud. Men can buy you presents. Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them around the block. Men are a little bit more subtle. Men open their own cans. Men can do math stuff. Holiday Inns accept men.
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Any Comments or Questions, let me know.
Any funny animal humor you would like for me to post here?
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