Humor Page

CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you can manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot.

BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything - - just sit and stare.

HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering". Following are the rules for "hampering": A) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted. B) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself. C) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you. D) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual actvity), keep in mind the aim -- to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time. E) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.

WALKING:As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective immediately, a Restroom Trip Policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for each employee's restroom time ensuring equal treatment of all employees.

Under the policy a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established for each emplouee. The first day of each month, employees will be given 20 Restroom Trip Credits. These credits may be accumulated.

Within 4 to 6 weeks, the entrance doors to all restrooms are being equipped with personal identification stations and computer-linked voice print recognition devices. Before the end of the month each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal and one under stress) to Human Resources Department. The voice print recognition will be operational but not restrictive during the entire month. Employees should acquaint themselves with the stations during that period.

If the employee's Restroom Trip Bank balance reaches zero, the doors to the restrooms will not unlock for that employee's voice until the first of the month. In addition, all restroom stalls are being equipped with time paper roll retractors. If the stall is occupied for more than 3 minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty-seconds after the alarm sounds, the roll of paper will retract into the wall, the toilet will flush, and the stall door will open. If the stall remains occupied your picture will be taken.

Within a few minutes, a dog came trotting into his office with the sign in his mouth. At first the man was irritated that a dog had somehow gotten into the building, so he tried to shoo him away. The dog dropped the sign on the man's desk and said, "Woof, woof!"

The man gave him a puzzled look and said, "Don't tell me you're here about the secretary job!" The dog replied, "Woof,woof!" Skeptically, the man said, "OK, here! See if you can files these papers." The dog grabbed the papers in his mouth, and filed them correctly in just a few minutes, trotted back to the man's desk and said, "Woof, woof!"

The man was amazed, but not quite convinced, so he handed the dog some notes and said, "Here, see if you type this up." The dog took the notes, typed up the paper, and dropped it on the man's desk with another "Woof, woof!"

HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME

Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both are threatened by their own kind.
Both like to chew wood.
Both mark their territory.
Both are bad at asking you questions.
Neither tells you what's bothering them.
Both tend to smell riper with age.
Neither does the dishes.
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
Neither undertands what you see in cats.

WHY MEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS