Humor Page #2
- YOU MIGHT BE A WILDLIFE REHABILITATOR IF...
- LETTER FROM MARTHA STEWART
- LETTER TO A FRIEND
- ENCOUNTER WITH A SQUIRREL
- ON THE FIRST DAY
01. You have a bumper sticker on your truck that says "I Brake for Road Kills".
02. You stop every 15 minutes while grocery shopping to feed the little nestlings temporarily residing in your purse.
03. You stop traffic on a 4-lane highway to retrieve an animal while your spouse pretends they don't know you.
04. There is more frozen animal food in your freezer than human food.
05. You "react" every time you see a cardboard box.
06. You assume every phone call you receive (at work or at home) is about an injured/orphaned animal and respond accordingly.
07. You have Bactrim and milk replacer in your refrigerator at home at all times.
08. You don't think it's strange at all to have dead animals in your freezer at home.
09. Your family picture includes one or more wild animals in it.
10. You buy cat toys and they aren't for your cat but for your raccoons.
11. You are known as the local "vet" for everything that was once known as "almost roadkill".
12. A Sunday dinner is preluded by a call to pick up a "little deer right around the corner" and you find it weighs more than you do.
13. More than 5 species of animals eat out of the same bowl.
14. Children sing "Old MacDonald Had A Farm", and they are referring to you...and they make sounds of raccoons and raptors when singing.
15. Your neighbor calls and they want you to come and get your raccoons out of their tree.
16. You plan your vacation around the "birthing" season.
17. The pictures of your releases out number the pictures of your children.
18. Your e-mail letter is misspelled because an animal fell on your keyboard, and you apologize for it.
19. You have to explain to the long distance operator that the number dialed was accidently dialed by your raccoon and you don't wish to be charged for it.
20. The name "Grubco" no longer makes you giggle.
21. You say, "Yes, they poop on me"...before anyone asks.
22. You can't understand why your friend screamed when she found a few mealworms in your hair brush.
23. You're in the mall, and you catch the words "The Bird Lady".
24. You're happy when you get a gift certificate for earthworms.
25. You cut bait, but you don't fish.
26. You've washed a few smelt accidently in your Maytag.
27. You have a different mental picture than everyone else when you hear the words "Some loon is in my parking space!"
28. Feathers in your hair are not a fashion statement.
29. Safeway gives you a quiz on exactly why you want raw ground beef heart.
30. You buy more babyfood than anyone else in town and you don't have any children.
31. You use the word "Goatsucker" and you're not being insulting.
32. You buy cat food by the case and you don't own a cat.
33. Your linen closet contains more than five heating pads.
34. You know what happens when you try to thaw a mouse in the microwave.
35. Friends arrive for dinner and bring road kills that they picked up on the way over.
36. There's a car hit dead dog in the middle of the road and everyone is standing around in shock and you get out of your car and say, "It's alright, I'm used to this. Let me give you a hand."
37. Overnight guests cannot stay in the guestrooms because there are ducklings in the tubs and incubators in the rooms.
38. Your children go to get something out of the refrigerator and you say "Don't disturb the bat!"
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Hi Loretta,
This perfectly delightful note is being sent on paper I made myself to tell you what I have been up to. Since it snowed last night, I got up early and made a sled with old barn wood and a glue gun. I hand-painted it in gold leaf, got out my loom, and made a blanket in peaches and mauves. Then to make the sled complete, I made a white horse to pull it from DNA that I just had sitting around in my craft room.
By then, it was time to start making the place mats and napkins for my 20 breakfast guests. I'm serving the old standard Stewart twelve-course breakfast, but I'll let you in on a little secret: I didn't have time to make the table and chairs this morning, so I used the ones I had on hand.
Before I moved the table into the dining room, I decided to add just a touch of the holidays. So, I repainted the room in pinks and stenciled gold stars on the ceiling. Then, while the homemade bread was rising, I took antique candle molds and made the dishes (exactly the same shade of pink) to use for breakfast. These were made from Hungarian clay, which you can get in almost any Hungarian craft store.
Well, I must run. I need to finish the buttonholes on the dress I'm wearing for breakfast. I'll get out the sled and drive this note to the post office as soon as the glue dries on the envelope I'll be making. Hope my breakfast guests don't stay too long - - I have 40,000 cranberries to string with bay leaves before my speaking engagement at noon. It's a good thing.
Love,
Martha Stewart
p.s. When I made the ribbon for this typewriter, I used 1/8-inch gold gauze. I soaked the gauze in a mixture of white grapes and blackberries which I grew, picked, and crushed last week just for fun.
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Right now...
-someone is thinking of you.
-someone is caring about you.
-somebody wants to be with you.
-somebody hopes you aren't in trouble.
-somebody wants to hold your hand.
-somebody is praying for you.
-somebody hopes everything turns out alright.
-somebody wants you to be happy.
-somebody wants you to find him/her.
-somebody IS him/her.
-somebody wants to give you a gift.
-somebody hopes you're not too cold, and not too hot.
-somebody wants to hug you.
-somebody loves you.
-somebody is thinking of you and smiling.
-somebody wants to be your shoulder to cry on.
-somebody wants to go out with you and have a lot of fun.
-somebody wants you to believe in yourself and know they believe in you.
You don't have to send this to all of your friends. Those to whom you do send it, however, I believe would appreciate it. Add to it as you pass it along for the little or big things in life you want your friends to have and to know. Sometimes, in the hustle and bustle of life, we neglect our friends, and these little things that friendships entail. These things are precious, as are out friends. They are forever. Don't let them go.
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Boy I must of been desperate for a project...
To begin, I enjoy feeding wild birds in the backyard and build most of the feeders and nest boxes. I have been invaded by a couple of unwanted fluffy tailed rodents who have gotten brazen lately. I do not want to kill them but they can eat more in one sitting than the birds do all day.
The other day I ran outside and yelled at one to leave. This SOB just looked at me from the top of the fence. I picked up a rock and threw it at him. He tried to catch it, like I was throwing him a peanut! I threw 3 or 4 and missed him each time. He came close to catching a few of them though. Okay I thought, you want to play hard ball, huh? I walked over to the hose and turned on the water and set up a spray nozzle that would shoot a stream of water about 30 feet. I uncoiled about 15 - 20 feet of hose, all the while being watched by the curious squirrel.
I figured I would run towards him and pull the trigger on the nozzel and let him have it. I thought the worst thing that would happen is I would scare the pi$$ out of him and maybe knock him off the fence. By now the wife and kids were watching too. I charged....I squirted....he went right when I thought he was gonna go left (from previous escapes), I (here comes the woodworking part) tripped and/or ran out of hose and did a belly flop into one of my prized adirondack chairs on the deck. The chair collapsed under the 200+ pound bomb and closed up on me like a book. I was trapped, the squirrel stopped and was laughing at me. My wife thought I was hurt and came out to extricate me from the chair turned trap. The only thing that was hurt was my pride (not to mention the chair). Any way, today I rebuilt the chair. I had to remove both uprights and supports. When I made the chairs, I counter sunk the screws and plugged the holes with wooden plugs (made from dowels). All these plugs had to be removed, some of the parts had to be remade, all had to be re-sanded and re-assembled then re-finished. The chair is okay now. The sqiurrels are outside right now eating sunflower seeds in my feeder.
On the first day of creation, God created the dog.
On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.
On the third day, God created all the animals of the Earth to serve as potential food for the dog.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.
On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retreive it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.
