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My parenting style evolved long before I knew what "attachment parenting" was. We just knew that it made our lives easier to respond to the kids when they needed us, to bring them to bed with us, to try to anticipate their needs when they were infants and generally be there for them. That mindset continued into toddlerhood...we reached for them and held them when they fell; we didn’t push them away in vain attempts to make them "tough". They learned relatively early on that we would be available to them when needed. We didn’t spank – we used positive discipline and redirection. And it worked out really well. With each child we just continued in this vein. During my pregnancy with Maddie, I happened upon a parenting site on the web and found an expecting mothers bulletin board. It was there that I learned that our parenting style was, well, different. It was from the leader of that board that I learned about attachment parenting and from there I found other parents who shared my parenting philosophy. It was a welcome change from everyone I knew in my small midwestern town. Everyone I knew had been giving me "the look" when I would share anything about my parenting philosophies, so I rarely shared. It was nice to have like minded people to talk to, albeit in an on-line community. Even as I know how much I gleaned from having this on-line community, I also know that I didn’t necessarily need it. Of course it was easier as Gage got older; people realized that he was well behaved and very secure so I "must be doing something right" as they said. I already knew that in my heart. The major drawback to labeling your parenting style is that when you associate yourself with one mind-set, one camp of thinking if you will, you automatically feel alienated from other ways of thinking. You start to think maybe your way is the only right way. Then you have that “us vs. them” mentality, it’s all or nothing. I don’t feel anything should be that way, especially parenting. I think the unfortunate result of attaching yourself to a label like attachment parenting or mainstream parenting is that you stop doing the things that you feel are right in your heart. You start thinking you might have to do a prescribed set of things in order to really belong that whichever group you've allied yourself with. I think, though, that if parents really listened to their inner voices, and if they parented instinctively, positive parenting would be the norm. So that's what I support; parents needn't listen to the "experts" when making parenting decisions. We are the experts! And one person practicing attachment parenting or positive parenting may do things very differently than another who also practices attachment parenting. There are no rules or secret handshakes in positive parenting...it’s all about respecting our kids spirits and acknowledging that they have real, valid emotional needs that must be met. Positive parenting, to us, is the availability to our children, the understanding that this parenting stuff isn’t always pretty and convenient, the desire on our part to give our kids the best parts of us. Our main goal in parenting is open communication. We want our kids to know they can tell us anything and that we respect whatever it is they say to us. In order to get to that point, we try to show respect for their thoughts, their spirits, their souls. And in order to do that, we respond to their cries, we hold them a lot, we give them choices. Some of the things we do in the name of positive parenting may be called "selfish". Our kids sleep with us…this enables us to get more sleep and also enables me to wake in the morning and look at my family in it’s entirety and appreciate all the more this gift I’ve been given. We plan to homeschool mainly because we want to be an integral part of our children’s education. These things could be construed as selfish, I suppose, but to us they just feel like the right way to parent. Again, it all comes down to respect for our children. Their innocence, their purity of thought, their ability to play…these are things worthy of our respect. They really have no other motivation than the yearning for love and acceptance. They are not just small people, they’re better. They’re children. Positive/Attachment Parenting Frequently Asked Questions General questions Can my child be too attached? But I want my child to be independent! Isn’t AP fostering dependence? Call me selfish, but what about my needs? But I’ve got a “difficult” baby…can AP work for her? I didn’t start off AP’ing, what effect will that have? How can I respond to my child’s cues if I’m not sure what those cues are? Can only stay at home parents AP their children? Babywearing What is babywearing? What is the best kind of sling and where can I buy one? Positive Discipline What effect does AP have on discipline? What are some examples of positive discipline? Family Bed How do you get any sleep in a family bed? Isn’t that kind of…um…weird? How long will they sleep with you? Is it safe? Can my child be too attached? Short answer? No. Well, okay, it’s a bit more involved than that. But most kids who are raised in an attachment parenting atmosphere are not overly attached. Most of the babies I’ve seen who seem overly attached were parented in a distinctively un-ap family. It seems that if we try to respond to our children’s cues and meet their needs, they don’t reach out for more security than they already have. By being ap’ed, they know their needs are important and that their needs are addressed, so therefore they don’t have to look for that support. It’s already there. ~back~ But I want my child to be independent! Isn’t AP fostering dependence? I don’t think so. By responding to our children’s needs we are teaching them that they are important, they are worthwhile. This in turn teaches them self-worth and, in the end, independence. We try to give our kids choices and let them make decisions for themselves (within reason of course!) which teaches them that they are capable of caring for themselves. They learn these things one step at a time, each step making them more confident than the last. We let them know we value their input and opinions. I always use this example. When Gage was a baby, just learning to walk, he fell a lot as babies do. Our reaction was to go to him quietly and pick him up and soothe him. Many people seem to feel that when your baby falls you should let them get up, “be tough” and stop crying. Not us – we let Gage cry as much as he wanted and assured him we would be there for him. Now at 4 years old, he is extremely independent as he knows we will be there when he “falls”. This is important because as he gets older, the falls will become less physical yet far more painful. And he’s confident we’ll be right there, letting him cry and loving him. I’ve seen quite a few dependent babies who are the result of parents trying to “toughen them up”. It’s my feeling that AP teaches children to trust themselves, which in turn helps them to independence. ~back~ Call me selfish, but what about my needs? Excellent question! We’re all human – we have needs just as much as our babies do. We like social activities, hobbies, quiet time...things done without children just to keep us in touch with ourselves. True, as parents, we tend to start identifying ourselves as “just” parents and sometimes stop doing those things which make us feel complete. Then there’s that old pesky g word – guilt. We tend to feel guilty for taking time for ourselves. But it’s so very important to do just that. I’ve heard this many a time – and it still hold true – we need to care for ourselves first before we can more fully care for others; we must nurture ourselves before nurturing others. Our spirits are also worthy of respect, and we need to give them that. Parenting is a huge responsibility, but our kids need us to come to them whole. And one great way to do that is to honor ourselves by taking “me-time” when we can. A simple walk alone, meditation, enjoying a hobby…all these things can energize us and keep us in touch with our true selves. ~back~ But I’ve got a “difficult” baby…can AP work for her? Ah, the “difficult” baby. Also known as high needs or spirited kids, these children can be a challenge. Right now, we’re just learning about spiritedness because, as we’re gradually finding out, Maddie seems to fall into this category. AP most definitely will work for high needs kids – actually better than some mainstream methods will. AP respects these children, and respects their needs which are more deeply felt than other children’s. Here’s a great site for more info…Nurturing our Spirited Children. This is a subject onto itself and deserves an in-depth look. One great way to soothe these kids as infants is baby massage and baby wearing. We’ve found that Maddie would calm right down in the sling. These children, as I mentioned, can be a trial, but the positive things these intense children bring to the table far outweigh the negative!! ~back~ I didn’t start off AP’ing, what effect will that have? As I’ve mentioned, there are no hard and fast rules about parenting – whether you identify yourself as AP or mainstream. You should do what feels right in your particular situation. So if AP now feels right to you, there’s no reason you shouldn’t change some of your parenting tools. I remember hearing this comparison once, that you have a parenting “tool box” and you can always add more tools or take out those which are no longer working for you. So most definitely you can change how you do things. Your child will adapt, especially if he feels you are now more comfortable in your parenting. ~back~ How can I respond to my child’s cues if I’m not sure what those cues are? This is a biggie. One of the main areas of focus in AP is responding to your child’s cues, or needs. But it can be hard to identify those cues. What does a two-month-old want when she cries at 2 a.m.? Okay, most likely food, but you get the picture! Cue reading is most definitely learned – and baby is teacher. You’ll start to understand what your baby needs by her cry, her gestures, her body language. And it’s okay if you don’t get it right all the time, just so you keep trying. By attempting to meet your baby’s needs you teach her (once again!) that her needs are important to you and that she is important to you. ~back~ Can only stay at home parents AP their children? Most definitely not! I worked and I feel like I continued to AP my kids. I think it’s especially important to AP your kids when you have to be away from them…you get a chance to reconnect with them. It’s great that now you can usually take up to 12 weeks off for maternity leave; I took full advantage of that. Mainly, I think it’s important to bond with your baby early, so do take as much time off for maternity leave as you can. As far as working when kids are older, sure, you’re going to miss things. You can, however, make sure that you’re “there” as much as possible when you’re not working. I know for some parents, like single parents, there is no real option to working and parenting. But for many two-income families, it really is possible for one parent to stay home. I think it’s an unfortunate thing that parents today are almost pushed into being dual income families by consumerism and materialism. Sit down and figure out how much you’re truly making by continuing to work, ask yourself how you can cut back in order to stay home. I’m not saying this will work for everyone, but I hear so many moms say how much they wish they could stay home when actually they could be home if they chose to. It is a choice, believe me. We chose living on less than half of what we were formerly making in order to have one stay at home parent – that’s a big change! ~back~ What is babywearing? Babywearing is the carrying of your baby in a sling. A sling is used in many parts of the world, and is just now catching on here in the U.S. Baby carriers are pretty common, but slings are a much better bet. They’re extremely comfortable and soothe baby while she’s being carried. You can wear a sling while doing almost any household chore and baby will be snug and secure…usually asleep! Maddie almost always fell asleep by the motion of my body while I carried her in the sling. The comfort for mom lies in the fact that a sling allows her to carry baby much as she did for nine months. Another plus is that a sling is much more convenient to use than a stroller in a busy shopping center. I used my sling for Christmas shopping when Maddie was just a few months old…it was so nice to be able to get in and out of stores without a big bulky stroller getting in the way! There are also so many different ways to carry baby; some positions are more comfortable for newborns and others work better for older kids. Maddie is 30 lbs. and almost a year and a half and still fits comfortably in the sling. Most slings also allow you to breastfeed very discreetly while carrying baby. To me, the best characteristic of the sling was how it comforted Maddie and made her content. I could take her anywhere in the sling, in total comfort, and she would always stop fussing and crying once in it. I highly recommend slings! ~back~ Where can I get a sling? My recommendation is the Over The Shoulder Baby Holder. This sling comes in many different patterns and is extremely comfortable and safe. You may see many varieties out there, but this one is a hands down favorite. Most sling wearers I know swear by this one. I got mine online, and you can get one at (link coming soon) ~back~ What effect does AP have on discipline? By practicing attachment parenting, you’re already opening the lines of communications between yourself and your children. Your children learn to trust you and they understand that you have their best interests at heart. Discipline should never be confused with punishment. Discipline is something you help your child develop, because in the final analysis you want your child to have the inner discipline to deal with situations and urges without your having to intervene. That said, this can be a tough one. I see myself falling back into the old patterns that my parents used (with the exception of spanking) and I have to take a step back and look at the situation from my children’s perspectives. It helps to try to find out why they’re upset and to encourage them to verbalize their feelings. At 4, Gage still has problems verbalizing, so as you can see this isn’t a quick fix. I don’t believe there are any quick fixes in discipline. Again, these things aren’t easy, but they are effective in the long run. ~back~ What are some examples of positive discipline? The basic premise of positive discipline is respect. No spanking, no shaming, just respect for your child's wishes. No, this doesn't mean everything is controlled by the child, or that your wishes aren't important. What it means is that we just need to use a bit of empathy, we need to try and understand the why's of our children's behavior. One we see where they're coming from, the behavior is usually easier to deal with. The main tactic we use is redirection. Just move your child away from the glass stereo cabinet and give them a toy - or better yet, just take them to another room and just spend some time with them. Sure, this isn't as easy at first as perhaps just screaming at them to leave the cabinet alone, but your point gets across and most likely, in time, your child will begin to understand that there are certain things off limits. Another tried and true tactic to get your child to actively listen to you(and one I continue to learn!) is getting down to their level. You can't yell from across the room, you need to get in front of your child, kneel down and look him in the eye and with a firm voice tell him what he needs to understand. My tendency is to over-explain everything, resist this temptation also. A small child can understand "we don't hit" but may have trouble with all the reasoning behind that. As they get older, you'll be able to see what they can understand and what may be out of their range. One last tactic that I also employ is avoidance. I try to avoid problem situations, like grocery shopping with the kids right before nap or dinner time, or taking them to the library when they've not napped all day and are grumpy. I'm not saying always plan around the kids, but hey, if it makes everyone's lives a bit easier to postpone grocery shopping a few hours, so be it. Those are the tactics we try to use most often. Granted, one method won't work for everyone, and that's where you determine - from your knowledge of your child - what will work for your family. Excellent resource? The Discipline Book by Dr. Sears. ~back~ How do you get any sleep in a family bed? Actually we get the most sleep in our family bed. When Gage was a month or so old, and I was up for the umpteenth time in the middle of the night, I was so tired I just lay down on the bed with Gage. He went right to sleep in my arms and has since slept in our bed. He started sleeping through the night as soon as we started sharing sleep, and so we did also. It just feels like the right way to sleep to us; we all get more sleep this way. When Maddie was born, she was family bedded from day 1. In most cultures around the world, babies do sleep with their mothers. For some reason “experts” in the U.S think they know best, and that our babies should go straight from the warmth of the womb to the coldness of the crib. I’ve just never understood this. Think about it from the baby’s perspective, for 9 months your needs are catered to, you’re taken care of and you’re with your mother. Then you’re born. You go into a crib, or playpen or swing and out of your mother’s arms, the only person you know in the world. How do you think you’d feel? You just want your mother to hold you and you’re stuck in this crib in another room. I also take issue with “experts” who say you have to “teach” your baby to sleep, usually by letting them cry it out. First of all, one of the things newborns do pretty well is sleep – they don’t need to “learn” this “skill”, it’s automatic. Second, by letting your child cry alone in another room…I don’t know where to start on where that seems wrong. I remember my sister telling me her husband held her in bed and wouldn’t let her go to her crying baby in the middle of the night. If going to our children is that instinctive, why should we fight it? If it’s right to let babies cry themselves to sleep, why do mothers have to force themselves to stay away? I don’t think it’s ever right to fight such a basic instinct, taking care of our young. This thinking that it’s “for their own good” just seems crazy to me. This is an infant, he’s not trying to manipulate you, he just wants his mother in the middle of the night. Sure that’s inconvenient for parents, but who said this was about the parent? That’s the one thing parenting taught me very quickly was that sometimes you have to do things you may not really want to do, like getting up at 2 a.m. Another thing that this “cry-it-out” method also does is creates a feeling of mistrust. The mother stops trusting her inner voice that tells her to go to her baby, baby learns that his crying (his only method of communication) won’t get him the one thing he needs – his mother. Now I’ve gotten off on a tangent…I’m not saying that all families who don’t family bed use this cry-it-out method. My answer to the question “how do you get any sleep in the family bed” is that we do get more sleep, and we feel closer to our kids, physically and spiritually. ~back~ Isn’t that kind of…um…weird? It doesn’t feel weird to us, and that’s the important thing. As I mentioned, co-sleeping is common in many, many countries around the world. It always strikes me as funny that other cultures do this and never take a moment to analyze it, yet here we analyze every little thing to the point where we don’t even hear our own voices. I mean, for every question we have some “expert” has answered it for us – and not just where parenting is involved. We must start listening to our own voices again, and do what we know in our hearts is right. So no, family bedding is not weird. This is one major area for us that feels very right. ~back~ How long will they sleep with you? (or weaning from the family bed) There’s no quick answer to this one. Gage still sleeps with us the majority of the time, and again, he’s 4. Most kids are in their own beds by this age, though. Usually around 2 they start gravitating toward nighttime independence. We’ve been a bit lazy about this, but you can start encouraging them to sleep in their own beds if they’ve shown interest in leaving the family bed. Most parents choose the gradual method..you can move a mattress onto the floor of your bedroom and one of you sleep with the child there for a couple weeks, then gradually move the mattress into the child’s room (you still sleeping with them) and finally transition them into their own beds. Again, the key word here is gradual. And most likely there will be times she’ll want to come back to the family bed, especially when she’s sick or going through some developmental milestone, and that should be okay. But rest assured, they will go to their own rooms in time. ~back~ Is it safe? It can be very safe, if you follow a few precautions. -First and foremost, don’t sleep with your baby if you’ve been taking medications that make you drowsy, or if you’ve been drinking alcohol. -Make sure baby can’t fall off the bed by placing the bed next to a wall and using a guardrail on any side that is not against a wall. Now, Maddie sleeps between my husband and I, because she’s bigger and isn’t in danger of being rolled over on. Again, that almost never happens unless a parent in under the influence of drugs (prescribed or no) or alcohol or if the baby and parent are sleeping on something other than a regular bed. -Use a large, regular mattress. No waterbeds, couches, futons, beanbags, etc… These can pose suffocation risks. I’ve heard waveless or firm waterbeds are okay, but I personally wouldn’t risk it. -Don’t allow a small baby to sleep with siblings on smaller beds. Babies should sleep on large beds with not too many fellow sleepers. What I always did with Maddie when she was small was sleep with her in the crook of my arm. That way I knew her head and shoulders were a tad elevated and I didn’t worry so much about suffocation. There have been studies recently stating how unsafe family beds were, but those studies were seriously flawed. Check out these links: Response by Peggy O'Mara - Editor of Mothering magazine More to follow. ~back~ If you have some FAQ's that I haven't addressed, or ideas for more, please do e-mail me!! I'd love to hear from you! Also, please check out our Attachment Parenting Message Board to offer support or just to meet some other like minded parents!

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