Now I will admit this is a tough one. Sometimes kids do things that just set us off. Sometimes it seems they do things just TO set us off! But we have to remember that we are our childrens teachers as far as anger management and conflict resolution. If we are out of control, we're not teaching them how to properly deal with anger and negative feelings.

I will come out and admit that this is is a tough one for me especially. I wasn't taught anger management or conflict resolution. I was taught you yell and/or you hit. Many people of my generation may have been taught the same thing. Yes, I have anger issues. Intellectually I know that hitting and yelling can be detrimental, but in the midst of an angry outburst it's hard to remember. When we first had Gage I promised myself I would not spank, I would not hit. Because I know my limitations, and I know with my pre-existing anger issues it might get out of hand. I know this about myself, so I made that promise.

I think the important thing here is to realize where you come from, what your lessons were concerning anger. Once you understand your issues, if you have them, you can more easily set groundrules as far as your discipline style.

Some of the tools I've used and have seen used with good results:
Redirection: this entails removing the child from the situation and giving them a more appropriate item to play with. If they're hitting all the buttons on the TV, don't yell; just physically take them to another room to play with a different toy. If they want the cordless phone, gently take it and offer a toy phone instead.

Planning ahead: Get intimately acquainted with your child's routine and know the things that set him or her off. If you're going to the store, don't do it during their usual naptime or you're headed for disaster. Make sure they eat first. Take toys and/or snacks with you. Or if a trip to the grocery always seems to end in tears (yours AND your childs!) just plan to go when your partner can keep baby at home if possible. Same kind of thing for long car trips, take lots of toys and snacks to keep baby occupied.

Turn a "no" into a "yes": I really like this one, especially for toddlers who understand what you're saying and older kids. Instead of saying "no, you can't play with your friend right now. You haven't finished cleaning your room!" I say "yes, you can play with your friend after you finish cleaning your room". In this way, we're both getting the result we want, but I don't have to say "no" for the 1,342,546th time! Kids don't like living with a barrage of constant no's, and I don't like creating a negative environment.

Understranding your child's motivators: I find this one harder, but just knowing that there are real and valid reasons my kids do things helps me keep my cool. Hunger and fatigue are the two biggies here. When the kids are feeling hungry or overtired yet lack the ability to either verbalize their needs or to understand that those needs are causing the irritability, it makes for bahavioral issues. It's during these times that we as parents need to look for the underlying cause of the behavior and help remedy that. Then we can explain to them (again, if they're old enough to understand) what caused the problem and how to verbalize their needs more appropriately in the future.

Again, nothing works perfectly 100% of the time. It's just the striving for respectful discipline that I think is most important.
Positive discipline to me means many things. And it's different with each child, with each stage a child goes through. Redirection may work for toddlers and even preschoolers, but doesn't work as well with a 6 year old! It's all about gaining all the tools you can and using what works best at that moment. Positive discipline in my house means not spanking, not using hurtful words, using methods that build up our children's self-discipline instead of belittling them. Now that's the ideal; does it always work that way? NO! I have had my moments, like any parent, when something slips out or I yell or I say something I regret... I always try to work through it, though, and learn from it. I apologize to my kids.

On this topic I highly recommend Kids, Parents and Power Struggles by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. It's a fabulous book with many ideas and discussion on the underlying motivators to kids behaviors. I also really liked How To Talk So Your Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Your Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Maizlish. It's a great book with tons of ideas for communicating effectively with your kids. Again, do all the methods work like a charm? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. And some of these books pertain to older kids, but it's helpful to get into good habits early on so I still recommend the books to all parents. Faber?Maizlish also wrote Siblings Without Rivalry which is excellent for those sibling battles that sometimes commence.