Love
Mommy

     At 7:55am on November 16th our little Casey decided to join the world.  With family close by…an ecstatic husband and nothing less but a highly excited 8-year-old daughter in attendance.  Audrey placed Casey on my chest…as they wiped her off; she finally began to cry and her skin "pinked" up.  My husband Steve was beaming ear to ear and Courtney’s face said it all.  She finally--after all this time----had a baby sister to love----finally.

     The next day, I was resting in the hospital bed with Casey sleeping in my arms.  Out of nowhere came this heavy feeling, a deep sadness.  My own voice within my head saying to me, "you’re not going to have her for very long."  Well I was shocked at such a thought.  Why was I thinking such a horrible thing?  I brushed it off as my being hormonal".  I mean Casey was a perfect precious baby.  There was no reason to think that something would go wrong.  So I put the distressing feeling out of my mind.  I never mentioned it to anyone, consciously at least I forgot all about it, until four months later.

     I had 12 glorious weeks of maternity leave off work to spend with our new little one.  Despite the trying, tiring moments of infancy I enjoyed every moment of it.  For the most part I stayed at home with her.  I didn’t want to take her "out" in the cold Ohio air.  I just wanted to enjoy the special "home" time with her, when it was just me and her, mom and baby.  I remember telling my mom, "I hold her all the time and she just sleeps and cuddles.  I love it but I can't get anything done".  Mom said to me  "Toni don’t worry about it, hold her why you still can, while she’s still a baby.  Don’t worry about spoiling her".  I ended up getting a front infant carrier so that I could walk around the house with her asleep on me.  She loved to be held and cuddled.  I enjoyed that time so much.

     My first weekend back to work Casey was sick.  She seemed to have a really bad cold, her very first one.  My husband was so good with her, and more than capable of caring for her.  Regardless, I did not want to go to work.  I cried before I left for work that night.  I couldn’t understand why I had this feeling of panic, of "doom" in a way.  As the weekend wore on, Casey was not getting any better.  She looked horrible.  I told my husband if she didn’t get any better we were going to go to the children's ER with her.  Well Monday finally came, and as soon as I got home from work I took her directly to the pediatrician’s office.  They did a chest x-ray and blood work.  The doctor felt she had a bad virus that can give babies respiratory difficulties, so much so they end up on breathing machines for a time.  The doctor felt that Casey at this point would be ok, but I was told to get her to the ER if she worsened.  Thankfully she started to improve immediately it seemed.  Gaining her weight back and her little face pinking up.  The "panic" feeling left me and life began to get back to some normalcy.

     A month went by.  We were getting a routine down with our new member of the family.  Casey was really getting a personality of her own.  A very happy, easygoing baby.  She was starting to smile in response to playing with her.  Her eyes would light up so bright.  We were able to start really playing with her and she interacting back with us.  She was even cooing and giggling over her older sister’s silliness, which delighted Courtney.  Casey was so beautiful.  And at that time, she was getting to that "down right fun stage" of babyhood.  Other parents know what I mean.

     Monday night Casey was in her crib sleeping, but not soundly.  I looked at her before heading off to work that night.  She looked so precious and quiet with a peaceful look on her face...and so darn cute.  I smiled to myself.  I wanted to kiss her---but I was in a hurry and I was afraid of waking her up.  So I just looked at her...whispered "good night" and "I love you" and went on my way.  I left a note for my husband that night on the table---just of family stuff.  I had just been to the store to stock up on baby things such as formula and diapers.  I wanted him to be sure to take certain things with him Tuesday morning when he dropped Casey off to the sitter’s house.

     Cindy was our sitter’s name.  We've known her for years.  She was Courtney's sitter when she was a baby.  When I had to return to work I was so thankful that Cindy would be watching Casey while I slept after working all night.  Knowing that, Cindy made it so much easier on my "peace of mind" to get back to the work thing.  I knew Casey was in the best of hands.  *I always picked her up from Cindy's around 330 every afternoon.  That Tuesday, March 17th...St. Patrick's day...I was right on time.  I pulled my car up to the curb.  Out of my side vision I seen Cindy's front door fly open...and I heard screaming.  It was Cindy with Casey limp in her arms.  Cindy had the most horrible look on her face...one of sheer panic and fear.  I will never forget it.  She was screaming..."Toni....  your baby...your baby!"  I don’t even remember getting out of the car--I just remember grabbing Casey from Cindy's arms...and starting to give her breaths with my mouth.  She was so pale, so limp...but yet her body was still warm as I rushed her back inside of the house...breathing my breath into her before I could even get her down on the floor.  Inside of me I was trying not to panic.  I was hoping with all my heart and soul that Casey would cough or gag as soon as I got a breath into her----but she did not.  Outwardly I was being the "nurse" but inwardly I was frantic.  Inwardly I just wanted to be a "MOM"...and hold onto Casey with all the heart...soul and strength I could muster.  I told Cindy to call 911 as I started CPR on Casey.  This was my all time hidden "nurse" nightmare.  To do CPR on someone you love so much.  I always thought one day that would happen to me...but it never entered my mind that it would be with my own child.  A parent just doesn’t think like that.  It is not a natural thing...not a normal occurrence in life.

     Cindy had other kids there that day---and thank goodness her older daughter was there to help.  I remember toddlers around us as I worked on trying to bring Casey back.  Kristen got all the kids downstairs away from all the chaos.

     After those first few breaths when Casey didn’t react---I knew that I was too late---she was gone---Casey was not there anymore.  From the moment that Cindy placed her in my arms...I knew it was too late.  I could not feel her soul...the inner part...the real Casey was already gone...all I had left was her shell.  I had to hope that I was wrong.   It all felt like such a bad dream...a horrible nightmare...and I was just on autopilot...trying to bring my baby back...yet all I truly wanted to be doing was holding, cuddling, loving my baby.  Holding onto her as a "MOM" for her very life.  Nothing else.  Yet I knew I had to hold it together and try my best to bring her back...or I would of never forgiven myself.  Never.  And I did try my very best...but it just wasn’t good enough.

     It wasn’t but a few moments and the paramedics were there.  Although it seemed like an eternity while I worked on Casey till they showed up.  Like time stood still...put into slow motion.  The paramedics gently pushed me aside...but I didn’t go far.  I was not letting Casey out of my sight.  I watched them as they cut her clothes off.  I could not cry.  I was in shock.  On that autopilot mode still. Cindy and I held onto each other tight while I watched their every move.  I don’t quite remember how/when but I got a hold of Steve...I remember saying to him that Casey was not good...and he needed to hurry to get here.  I know I shocked him...who would ever of thought that one day I'd have to make a phone call like that.

     The paramedics put Casey in the ambulance as Steve was pulling up.  I was not going to leave her side for nothing so the squad let me sit up front on the drive to the hospital.  Steve and Cindy headed out right behind us.

     Thinking back---it’s been 8 months ago---yet I can recall every little detail of that day if I so wish.  Standing in the ER room at children's hospital, looking over the room at the doctors and nurses feverishly working on Casey...I then remembered.  It hit me HARD.  That day in the hospital right after having Casey, that inner voice that said to me I was not going to have her for long.  All this time I had pushed that out of my mind...but now I remembered it.  I now know it was either God or my guardian angel...warning me...trying to prepare me for what was to come.  As I stood there in that room...one of the ER docs came up to me, took me aside, and gently told me there was nothing else they could do.  There was no one to blame.  It was no ones fault.  Her death a mystery...labeled as SIDS.  It is a horrible thing to go through.  My husband and I never thought we'd be in such a place and time.  Children's hospital...they were awesome.  Tender and caring in every way.  There was not ONE thing that they could have done to make such a horrible experience any better for us.  They were all so wonderful.  I have the utmost respect for them.  I remember they took what tubes they could off of Casey and wrapped her up in a warm blanket.  They let us have some private quiet time with her.  Not rushing us, but giving us all the time we needed to say goodbye.  My husband and I were both still in such a shock state.  I think it’s your body’s way of protecting you, only letting you absorb a little at a time, only what you can handle.  Yet that time I cherish and remember dear.  Holding Casey in my arms one last time.  She was heavy...her still pretty face...pale and cool.  I kissed her chubby cheek again and again softly, yet I was still unable to cry.  Inwardly my heart ...had been ripped out...I just couldn’t cry.

     They gave us the option of going to get Courtney and letting her see her baby sister.  We felt we should give Courtney that choice.  It was so hard to leave Casey behind...but the nurses assured us that they'd keep her warm and rock her until we returned.

     We took Courtney out of daycare.  I joined her in the back seat of the car.  We had to move Casey's car seat to the trunk.  Courtney asked, "where's Casey?"  One of the hardest things Steve and I have ever had to do was to tell her.  I said to her "Casey's gone".  Courtney replies "Gone where?”  We both tried to explain it to her....  as I held her tight.  I can still hear her sobs...echoing.  Felt so bad for her.  Only 8 years old and having to deal with this sadness.  Like the rest of us, she didn’t understand why Casey had died, she was in shock.

     When we walked back into the room at Children's with Courtney...one of the nurses was holding Casey...rocking her...a heat lamp shining over them close by to keep Casey warm.  It was such a caring and thoughtful thing to do.  I will never forget that.

     We stayed there for at least an hour.  A chaplain was there to help us answer some of Courtney's questions.  One of the ER docs that helped work on Casey...talked to Courtney...and gave her a chance to ask him about any questions she had.  Even though it was hard on us all...and Courtney being so young ...I'm so glad we were given that opportunity.  I know that special time with Casey we will always cherish...it was our goodbye to her here on this earth.

A lot of time and tears have passed since then.  The road to healing from such a loss...a loss of your own child...is a rocky slow road to travel.  A "hell roller coaster" so to speak.  We were able to donate Casey's heart valves so that some "good" may come of her passing from this world to the next.  For the short time Casey was here on earth her life touched so many.  The outpouring of love and care from family...and friends has been great and over whelming at times.  Those of us whom she touched the most are finding their own path of survival for now...finding it hard to support one another for fear of drowning ourselves.  Healing will come in time...but none of us will ever be the same again.

      As time passes...and the hurt...the wounds of losing Casey are not as deep...I hope that I can find some positive way to "give" back to LIFE.  I have not found it yet but I will.  Either volunteering as a SIDS speaker...or fundraising for the fight against it.  Something.  I will find a way to make a difference...so that Casey's life and death was not in vain.

     The joy of having, of knowing Casey far outweighs the deep hurt of our lives over these past months...and for the days ahead.  Courtney said to me not long ago "Mommy, Casey has a princess to watch over her in heaven".  I asked her what she meant.  She said to me "Princess Di...I think Casey and her probably share a room in heaven".  I just smiled.  What intelligent words from an 8 year old.  Casey is gone from this world, as we know it.  I hold her close to me in my heart.  I miss her terribly.  I will never completely let her go.  I know that she is in loving hands with my Dad and my dear friend Karen in heaven.  Caring for her...watching over her.  And maybe even princess DI shares in the task.  One day I know that God will let me hold my baby again.  One sweet day.