I can close my eyes and feel you close to me...resting over my left shoulder against my heart. God i miss you so. Sweet precious one. So beautiful....with your eyes lit up...blue and clear...eyes that just smile.  Your little body  "glowing" with contentment and pure joy....about ready to burst....with plain babyhood.  After you left us my arms ached for you...I longed to hold you again.  My arms don't physically hurt anymore but the desire to hold you once again  will never go away.  Never. till im 99 plus years old. Never!

When you were born and they laid you across my chest...you were so quiet at first..tiny..you cuddled up ....curled your body up tight.  I put my arms around you as they wiped you off. You were so beautiful.  The miracle of birth...of life..the miracle of you Casey.

Tears...the feeling of missing you is so deep...my life in a mess right now...hurting from the loss of you.  But every tear...every pain within me...I can be thankful for.  Because I had you with me..in my life...all this hurt is because i was able to love you..and still do...but to be able to love..means your able to hurt as well.  I am your mommy and always will be.  Having you here on this earth for just a few months...is worth all this hurt now from having you gone from my arms. I am so glad that i had the chance to know you...to hold you...to care for you....to love you.  I'd give my soul up to have you back.  I would of given my own life for yours Casey, if i had been given that choice.  Without hesitation I would of died for you so that you could of lived.

As a Mom.....that day that your soul left this earth---your empty limp body left behind.  I felt i had let you down as your mommy.  As a parent I felt that my love for you was "ALL powerful"....and that it should of been enough to keep you safe from  harm.  In that i felt i failed you terribly...because you died...and i was not able to stop that...to change it.  I MISS you...i love you..i want you back here with me Casey.  With all that is within me I love you....every inch of me inside and out aches from the loss of you.  The "missing" you is the worst part of all...because there is not one thing that i can do to ease the pain of just MISSING you.

The months i carried you inside of me.....and the four months I cared for you after your birth I cherish.  Every moment I hold dear.  I look at your picture and I see my little one ..so prescious..see your eyes...that special spark you had.  You were my angel here on earth and now you are my angel baby in heaven.  Always my baby. Always!  In my heart I hold you close.  So lucky to have given birth to you sweet Casey. You were a gift I had to give back.....giving you back has caused great pain and sadness.  Yet i am so lucky to of had you in my life if but for such a short time.

Your birth brought me such joy...taking care of  you day to day i treasure.  I keep those memories dear to me.  The loss of you...your soul gone from this earth...blew me up inside...like a bomb that went off within me..and shattered my soul.  The pieces are slow to get back together...but in time i know ill be "whole" again.  I know Casey that I will never be the same person for knowing you---loving you----then having to lose you.  But as the
healing slowly comes.....the scraping is not as deep....and the pieces of my insides go back together...there  is a "reshaping" of me..of who I am.  I will never be the same person I was before i lost you. I'm different.  Right now some of those changes in me I hate, but i know that in time...i will be a better person and for that I can say "thank you".  You have left me with a "gift" of living.  A priceless special gift. I am so lucky to have  had you in my life my little "Missy".  I'd give anything to have you back.  Knowing that is not possible.....what i CAN do now is to honor you by going on and living the best life that i can.  I will always be your mommy..and you will always be my baby....thru eternity. Forever my precious angel.  My Casey.  I will never let you go.  One day....i know that God will let me hold you once again in my arms ....he has no choice....because i know i will.

So tomorrow we celebrate your birthday.  Balloons and cake and family around that loves you.  You will not be here physically to enjoy your first birthday....but i know that you will be close by......held dear to our hearts.  Tomorrow Casey we celebrate your birth...your life....the miracle of you.  Happy birthday sweet little one of mine.  I miss you.

Love,
Mommy