Deer Humor

Excerpted from Field & Stream Magazine October, 1998 South Edition

10 Things You Never Hear Deer Hunters Say:

1) "I want a mountain bike instead of a new scope for my rifle."

2) " Pass the tofu."

3) "Deer Season is too long, I should spend more time with my wife."

4) "The tires on that truck are too big."

5) "You can't burn that in a campfire."

6) "I'll show you where I found some fresh buck signs."

7) "Duct tape won't fix that."

8) " I've never gotten the hang of sharpening a knife."

9) " My truck won't go through that."

10) " How about a poetry reading tonight?"

Five Things You Will Hear Deer Hunters Say:

1) "He had rocking chair horns!"

2) " His antlers ain't big, but he'll eat good."

3) " I got him right through the engine/boiler room."

4) " What do you think about when there are no deer around?"

5) "My God, what a buck!" ----- Jerome B. Robinson

What Most Deer Hunters Want to Hear Their Guide say:

" You probably want to pass on this 10 - pointer. He's one of the small ones."

What Most Deer Hunters Don't Want to Hear Their Guide Say:

" I lost my binoculars last week when I slid down a ravine. Mind if I borrow yours?" - -Slaton L. White

Best Smells in Deer Camp, Part 1:

Wood smoke, onions, and gun oil.

Musty old sleeping bag

Venison Chili

Boot Grease - - Jerome B. Robinson

Most Common Deer Hunter's Breakfast:

Twinkies and coffee in the truck. ---G.G.

Best Excuse for Missing a Buck:

"Well, my rifle was sighted in last year." - - Bob Saile

Best Buck:

"Your first" - - Lawrence Pyne

Best Place to be at Sunrise:

Inside your sleeping bag, the day after you bag your buck. - - B.S.

Deer Hunter's Worst Nightmare:

Brown recluse spiders in the outhouse. - - D.E.P.

Warm Weather Deer Hunter's Worst Nightmare:

Wasps in the outhouse. - - D.E.P.

We ran out of lime for the outhouse. - - S.L.W.

Cold - Weather Deer Hunter's Worst Nightmare

No outhouse. - - D.E.P.

Best Place to Sleep in Deer Camp:

Lower bunk, next to the only window that opens.

Heaviest 150 pounds You'll Ever Hoist:

A dead deer at the bottom of a steep gully. - - K.M.

Best Hunting Vehicle Rented:

Chrysler Minivan. Comfortable, holds seven deer (stacked). - - Lionel Atwill

Best Hunting Vehicle Personal:

Dentproof 1967 Ford with hubs rusted in the "lock" position. - - G.G.

Best Rule of Thumb:

One shot, one deer. Two shots, maybe one deer. Three shots, no deer. - - L.P.

Best Way to Assure a Good Snowfall:

Leave the rubber boots and tire chains at home. - - B.S.

Best Advice from a Guide in Rattlesnake Country:

Don't stick your hand down that hole. - - S.L.W.

Best Name of a Deer Hunting Town:

Kill Buck, New York

Best Time to Pack the Truck:

Three A.M., after seeing a flash of lightning through the hole in the tent roof. - - G.G.

Best Smells in Deer Camp, Part 2:

You and your partner after both of you take baths. - - B.S.

The pungent scent of the winter coat of a sagebrush-country mule deer. - - K.M.